Some last minute requests
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."
Why can't you be like that?
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Breaking into a house
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Ponderings collection 40
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
You might be a redneck if 68
You might be a reneck if...
You can chew your own toenails.
You've ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.
You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.
Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.
You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.
You've ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn't spit it out.
Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap.
You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.
Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.
Your mama has more tattoos than you do.
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!
Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!
A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?
"Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter
"They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
Useful work phrases
USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
The teacher took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher that he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and says, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyebrows went way up!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Teacher: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
The principal was making strange noises in his throat at all this!
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal about fell out of his chair.
Harry: "Bubble gum."
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Teacher: "What starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!
There was a beer party out in the woods and all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and of course still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window and he tapped lightly on the window. The man on the passenger side screamed out, "AHHHHHHHH!!! Look at my window!!! there's an old guy's face there."
The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants." So the passenger rolled his window down part way and scared out of his wits, said,"What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette." "Well, give him a cigarette!! HURRY!!", the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver," Step on it!!", rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast." Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock and there is the old man again.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again" the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now", yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?", the old man quietly asks. The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!! "Oh my God, He's Back!!" The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
YOU'RE A DRUNK:
You can blow a .08 BAC from twenty feet away.
You take swim trunks to brewery tours.
You’re kept awake at night by the sound of your liver crying.
You prefer cold showers because the ice in your drink doesn’t melt as fast.
You’re shocked and confounded to discover they actually sell Coke without Jack Daniels.
When a cop asks you to walk a straight line, you ask, “Which one?”
You tried getting out of a DUI by putting a beer label on your arm and telling the cop you’re off the booze and on the patch.
You woke up on New Years Eve with the resolution of finding out which bars open earliest.
Get mad when your family calls you a
wino because they know damn well you prefer whiskey.
You’re definition of a problem drinker is guy who won’t buy you a round.
You hate the person you become when you black out, because, you know, that ****er drinks all your beer.
You know hangovers only last a day, but a good drinking story lives on forever.
You don’t like to think of it as blacking out. You prefer to think of it as exercising the lizard brain.
The only useful thing you got out of an A.A. meeting was learning how to identify your enablers. Because, hey, those guys are most likely to buy you a drink.
You distrust any wine that doesn’t give you a decent hangover.
A good drinking buddy will bail you out of jail, but a great drinking buddy will be sitting in the cell beside you, saying, “Man, that was awesome!”
The last words you remember each night are, “Hold my beer and watch this!”
Long But Silent
A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off... The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the barteneder finnaly went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen." The man replied by saying I dont think so. I can get any lady that I want. The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldnt get the woman to even talk to him. The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her. The bartender accepted. The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door. The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "damn that sucks but what happened?" Tthe man replied with "I dont know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."
Bottles and Bombs
3 men board a plane. They are Italian, Spanish, and Irish. They fly over to Italy, and drop a bottle. They fly to Spain, and drop a bottle. They fly to Ireland and drop a bomb. They back to Italy and they see a little boy crying. "Little boy why are you crying" they ask. "Because my daddy got hit in the head with a beer bottle" They fly to Spain and they see a little girl crying. "Little girl why are you crying" they ask. "Because my mommy got hit in the head with a beer bottle". They fly to Ireland and see a little boy laughing hysterically. "Little boy why are you laughing" they ask. "Because my daddy farted and blew up the house"
Humor in the Restroom - The Wisdom you can find on the Walls
1. Friends don't let their friends take home a ugly men. from n a Women's restroom in Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.
2. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" in a -from a Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia. Remember
3. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. in from a Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina
4. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! From a a -Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana
5. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. from a -Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
6. No wonder you always go home alone. From a Sign over mirror in Men's restroom at Beverly Hills, CA
7. Beauty is only a light switch away in a restroom in the -Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
8. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. from the -The Irish Times, Washington, DC
9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.
10. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. From Revolution Books, New York, New York
11, Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. from a -Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
12. Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. --The Janitor
13. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. in a -Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely. The first lawyer announced, "Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey." The second lawyer responded,"Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day." Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsmen, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.