-
You've Got Mail
A woman was in her front yard, moving her lawnmower when her atractive blonde neighbour came out of his house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little while later, he came out and again he checked his mailbox and angrily stormed back into his house. As the woman was getting ready to mow the lawn...he came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it closed. Puzzled by his actions the woman asked hin "Is something wrong?". To which he replied, "There certainly is!.......
My stupid computer keeps saying "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
-
The Massacre
All the red Indians in the Reserve were starving.They ask the Witch Doctor to perform a Rain Dance,to see what the future held.The Witch Doctor dances about, mumbling and looking at the heavens above. Suddenly he gives out a scream, and falls to the ground.What did you see, asked the Chief? I had a vision, a hazy vision replied the Witch Doctor. Over many hills i saw a huge Bacon Tree, big enough to feed the whole tribe. What good is that says the Chief, if we leave the Reservation the Soldiers will follow and punish us.If we go at night, they will not know until it is too late replied the Witch Doctor. OK agrees the Chief and that night they sneaked out of camp. They walked over hill upon hill, food and water were gone, and many died on this Venture. Finally the Chief has had enough. How far is this Bacon Tree he asks. Just over one more hill is the reply. At last they climb the last hill, and start going down the other side. Suddenly there is the sound of the bugle charge, and Cavalry swoop down killing most. As the Chief lies dying, he crawls over to the dying Witch Doctor and gasps "What happened to your Bacon Tree" to which the Witch Doctor replies, "I was wrong" it was a HAM BUSH.
-
Redneck Sex Ed
One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma junior's 21 years old now" It?s about time we teach him about sex".
Ma said "ya know pa your right".
So pa said to junior "hey junior come on out to the porch for a second".
so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says "ya pa whatcha want".
Pa said "junior it?s about time we teach you about sex".
Junior said "sex what's sex".
Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.
Pa says to junior "see that hole in ma? watch this". So pa starts going at it with ma.
In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he?s 18 and says, "Junior what's ma and pa doing".
Junior says "their teaching me about sex".
Junior?s brother says "sex what's sex".
Junior says "see that hole in pa watch this".
-
Subject: A Good Chicken Recipe
> >
> >
> >
> > Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
> > stuffing - imagine that!
> >
> > When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like
> me,
> > who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked,
> but
> > not dried out. Give this a try.
> >
> > BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
> > 6-7 lb. chicken
> > 1 cup melted butter
> > 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
> > 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to
> > taste ______________________________
> >
> > Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,
> > salt, and pepper. Fill cavity (anal) with stuffing and popcorn.
> > Place in
> baking
> pan
> > with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the
popping
> > sounds.
> >
> > When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken
flies
> > across the room, it is done.
> >
> > And, you thought I couldn't cook.
-
I'm Goin' to Hell!
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that !"
-
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for eleven months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump **** from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind
-
You might appreciate the irony of this history:
Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago Democratic Congressman Mel Reynolds to the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll. Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree.
Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud & lies to the Federal Election Commission. He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.
This is a first
in American politics:
A clergyman who had sex with a subordinate then hired an ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate won clemency from a president, who had sex with a subordinate.
God Bless America.
-
Bush cost me my job; my kids and my houses.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions.
They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job.
This competition could hardly be called "fair." I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years.
Not a single government program was there to help me.
How can Bush call himself "compassionate?" Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable.
While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a ground, all because of President Bush.
And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian. If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party.
If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons!
Regards,
Saddam Hussein
GEE IT ALMOST MAKES ME WANT TO CRY.
OK BOO HOO
-
Bed Football
A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score. " After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he ****s in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A child's play
If You don't laugh at this one there is no hope for your day!
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play.
The first little boy was to say:
"My fair maiden… I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope".
The second little boy was to reply by saying:
"Hark! A pistol shot"
Well on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups.
The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.
They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words:
"My fair maiden… I have come to kiss your snatch... and fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out:
"Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shiot, horse shiot, cow shiot, bull shOt… I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway...
The audience left howling.
-
Trip to a bar...
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Handjob: $10.
Checking his wallet for the necessary funds, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she answers with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "Indeed I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
.................................................. .............................................
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.
One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there,” and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table.
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Investment Advice
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
Worldcom leaves you with less than $5.00
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) a year ago, consumed all of the beer, then turned in the cans for either the recycled aluminum fee, or the 10˘ deposit, (depending on your state of residence), you would have ( ± $214.00).
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This, new retirement program, is called the 401Keg program.
-
don't know about the veracity of these ... but they do give one "pause"... A nurse passed these on. Truth is many times stranger than fiction.
TRIPS TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM....
FEMALE SOFA- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found concealed by one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
PRICKLY PAIR-OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANYONE? - A 20-year-old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boy! friend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (as you do)?!!. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy we live sheltered lives- thank goodness)
BLIND DRUNK- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. Arghhhhh!
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! - A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had one out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what?). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
And you thought YOU were having a bad day!
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Crazy Computer Viruses
The Dick Cheney Virus is so old it only works in DOS.
The Supreme Court Virus won't let you use the letters G, O or D on the keyboard.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Al Gore Virus causes your computer to count and recount over and over again.
The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb.
The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
AND THE SCARIEST VIRUS IS...
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy...then discards it through Windows.
-
Voodoo Penis
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind- shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."
The rest is history...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adult Riddles
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?**
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?**
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?**
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?**
Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?**
One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?**
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?**
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?**
Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?**
100 people who don't do dick.
How did the tugboat get AIDs?**
It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Define "Egghead:**
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
What's the definition of eternity?**
4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.
Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?**
Palm Sunday.
How is sex like a game of bridge?**
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?** Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?**
It's not hard...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SOMETIMES
Sometimes... when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes... when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes... when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes... when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.
But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows.
-
Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
The results of this study are pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love
him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
//////////////////////////////////
Telephone Problem
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
The dog was receiving a jolt from the 90 volt signaling current when the phone number was called.
After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by piffing and moaning.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Check Your Eyesight
A man and his wife were getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to him and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for him will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at the Mid-Town Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.
-
Caffeine is My Shepherd
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in the lecture hall, it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no decaf.
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. Thou preparest a tall latte before me in the presence of fatigue. Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life... and I will dwell in the House of Java forever.
-- Anonymous
THE TEACHER Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The Amazing Claude
It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
ARKANSAS
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God.
"Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant." I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's ARKANSAS-- the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, streams, hills, and forests. The people from ARKANSAS are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in LITTLE ROCK."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Nursery Rhyme ? ?
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies"
So she did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning, she was running late and when she was on the bus, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them. So she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
He leaned toward her and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
-
Senior Citizens
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here...
