YOU'RE A DRUNK:
After your fifth drink, you’re like Don Juan with the ladies: They Don Juan nothing to do with you.
You suspect that water, taken in small quantities, isn’t all that dangerous.
You occasionally have meals with your wine.
You wake up every morning at the crack of ice.
You drink to forget you drink.
You distrust camels, or anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
People get drunk by shaking your hand.
You never eat breakfast on an empty stomach.
Beer is the reason you get up every afternoon.
The only drinking problem you have is the two-hands/one-mouth thing.
Your house is so messy because it spins like a top every time you lie down.
You drink to steady yourself, and sometimes you get so steady you can’t move.
You never walk, you just occasionally stagger in a straight line.
You get angry because there’s always so much booze left at the end of your money.
You think that drunks are a lot like chess players, only drunk.
You forgot your fishing pole on your fishing trip and didn’t notice.
You’ve been laid out on more floors than Johnson’s Wax.
Your liver has hired an attorney.
You wish all the world’s parking lots could be somehow turned into lush rain forests, because, you know, it’s hard to hide from cops in a parking lot.
Your favorite bar installed a seat belt on your barstool.
The glass isn’t half empty or half full. It just needs to be topped off.
You don’t fall off the wagon—you leap off it while chugging a bottle of cheap bourbon.
You have two personalities: Mr. Responsibility and Mr. I-Think-I’ll-Call-All-My-Old-Girlfriends-While-I'm-Blacked-Out.
The word “rent” loses all meaning after your fifth drink.
You’re so good at “drinking to forget” that you sometimes forget how to walk.
Whenever someone in a suit spills your well bourbon it magically transforms into top shelf scotch on the way to the floor.
You laugh at funerals but weep like a baby whenever you hear about a beer truck overturning.
You’d rather be a bus driver than an astronaut because, hey, there ain’t no beer where they’re going.
You don’t mind when your wife finds you stinking drunk in a bar, because then you can hit her up for a free drink.
Pink elephants get drunk and they see you.
FRIENDSHIP IS LIKE ****ING YOUR PANTS
EVERYONE CAN SEE IT
BUT ONLY YOU
CAN FEEL IS TRUE WARMTH
THANK YOU FOR BEING
THE **** IN MY PANT,
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
Answering machine message 18
Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.
Let's see the world
Two dogfaces were digging a foxhole.
"What made you join the Army?" asked one.
"Well, I read one of the posters that said: Join the Army and see the world! And I been doin' it - a shovelful at a time."
The wife is not speaking to me
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.
After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
Helping a blond lose weight
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Bumper stickers 13
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Strange people are here
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.
'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'
'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'
'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'
New Yorkers arrived
One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.
walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,
there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".
God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"
"Who, the New Yorkers?".
"No, the Pearly Gates."
Attempts by the dumb
SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995
CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said.
His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995
Kalamazoo Gazette -- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck. " Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
What will the neighbors think?
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Try to catch the rabbit
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Ponderings collection 22
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why are there 5 sylables in the word "monosylabic"?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?