Jinx as a avid fisherman I couldn`t stop laughing and almost Peed my Pants while reading it. I have to tell my Brother about it as we fish together all the time.
Semper Fi Fishon
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Jinx as a avid fisherman I couldn`t stop laughing and almost Peed my Pants while reading it. I have to tell my Brother about it as we fish together all the time.
Semper Fi Fishon
To Take Charge Of This Post...
> A few years back one of the new Marines at the Barracks at Yorktown, VA was standing post at the main gate of the Naval Weapons Station. The policy was to check 100% of ID cards including military in uniform. A Navy sedan drove up to the gate with a young seaman at the wheel and a rear admiral sitting in the back. The young PFC signaled for the car to stop, approached the driver, and asked to see both ID cards. The admiral told the Marine that he was on his way to meet with the station CO and didn't have time for such nonsense....
Admiral to driver: "Go ahead."
PFC to driver: "Don't do that."
Admiral to driver: "You heard me. Drive on."
PFC to Admiral as he draws his .45:
"Sir, this is my first time on post. Do I shoot you or your driver?"
Oops...A Phone Call
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her
husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and
afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover
watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the
conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad
that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you.
That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all
about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with
you."
Here's some proverbs.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. But... Out of sight, out of mind.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks. But... It's never to late to learn.
Two wrongs don't make a right. But... Turnabout is fair play.
He who hesitates is lost. But... Haste makes waste. (Or Look before you leap.)
You can't judge a book by its cover. But... What you see is what you get.
Birds of a feather flock together. But... Opposites attract.
Ask no questions and hear no lies. But... Ask and you shall receive.
Variety is the spice of life. But... Don't change horses in midstream.
The pen is mightier than the sword. But... Actions speak louder than words.
Don't cross the bridge until you come to it. But... Forewarned is forearmed.
Silence is golden. But... The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Clothes make the man. But... You can't judge a book by its cover.
The best things come in small packages. But... The bigger the better.
A miss is as good as a mile. But... Half a loaf is better than none.
An old fox is not easily snared. But... There's no fool like an old fool.
Practice makes perfect. But... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas. But... If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But... A man's reach should exceed his grasp.
There's safety in numbers. But... Better to be alone than in bad company.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. But... Don't beat a dead horse.
Hold fast to the words of your ancestors. But... Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Know Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease...
Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow starts smoking grass rather than eating it.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.
TRY TO HAVE A UTTERLY SPECTACULAR DAY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since
they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words.
She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book.
The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the ****."
Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a
few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
:banana:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig.. can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds..
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed p people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
I always thought it was: "Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an Airplane."
Paratrooper !!!
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers, went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and, finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day he phoned his Father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" his Father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane and the Sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the Father. "Ummm, not yet. Then the Sergeant started grabbing men one at a time and threw them out of the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the Father. "I'm getting to that. Everyone else jumped and I was the last one left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my ass!". "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed the doorframe and refused to let go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this GREAT BIG guy, about 6'5" and 275 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No Sir, I'm too scared!' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his manhood out. I swear, it had to be ten inches long...LIMP! He said 'Boy, either you jump outta that door or I'm gonna plug you with this!' " "So, did you jump then?" asked the Father.
"Well...a little... at first!"
Lucky in Love
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What Dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the F*** AWAY FROM ME !!!"
To My Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
And:
1 time, I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
To My Dear Husband:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
The Facts of Life
1. The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.
2. Every man needs a wife because there are a number of things that go wrong that one cannot blame on the government.
3. Widows are not the only people who have late husbands.
4. For every guy who marries for money, there is a gal who marries for alimony.
5. Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
6. Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
8. She is the kind of girl who does not care for a man's company unless he owns it.
9. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
10. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
One sunny afternoon, two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress the babes.
First dude: "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal."
Second dude: "Try putting a potato down in your swim trunks. The babes will love that."
First dude, three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before."
Second dude: Looking him over: "Uh ... Try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks, Dude."