Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?
If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
God is Missing
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A
beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was great.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste
funny to you?"
8. Man: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" Doc:
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." Man: "Is it common?" Doc: "It's not
9. Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't
reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
15. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".
16. Went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
18. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks
the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" The man answers,
"Like a glove."
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeños.
What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
PS. Sure is hot down here.
How could I ever repay you?
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's
face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin
from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered
to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and
wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin
came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their
secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about
her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome
with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to
thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could
ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the
thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the
Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the Rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All
of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,
the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut
Jesus is Watching You
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze
in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward
again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot,
"What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What
idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler
In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone:
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. "Hello?"
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"
The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.
(Keep reading, it gets better.)
One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.
The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
off the evening news!
Dad's Practical Jokes
Parents are embarrassing, Take my dad. Every time a friend comes
to stay the night, he does something that makes my face go red.
Now don't get me wrong. He is a terrific dad. I love him but
sometimes I think he will never grow up. He loves playing
This behavior first started one night when Anna came to sleep
over. Unknown to me, dad sneaks into my room and puts Doona, our
cat, on the spare bed. Doona loves sleeping on beds. What cat
doesn't? Next dad unwraps a little package that he has bought at
the magic shop. Do you know what is in it? Can you believe this?
It is a little piece of brown plastic cat poo. Pretend cat poo.
He puts this piece of cat poo on Anna's pillow and pulls up the
blankets. Then he tiptoes out and closes the door.
I do not know any of this is happening. Annna and I are sitting
up late watching videos. We eat chips covered in sauce and drink
two whole bottles of Diet Coke. Finally we decide to go to bed.
Anna takes ages and ages cleaning her teeth. She is one of those
kids who is into health. She has a thing about germs. She always
places paper on the toilet seat before she sits down. She is So
She puts on her tracksuit bottoms and gets ready for bed. Then
she pulls back the blankets. Suddenly she sees the bit of cat's
poo. "Ooh, ooh, ooh," she screams. "Oh, look, disgusting. Foul.
Look what the cat's done on my pillow." Suddenly dad bursts into
the room. "What's up, girls?" he says with a silly grin on his
face. "What's all the fuss about?"
Anna is pulling a terrible face. "Look," she says in horror as
she points to the pillow.
Dad goes and examines the plastic poo. "Don't let a little thing
like that worry you," he says. He picks up the plastic poo and
pops it into his mouth. He gives a grin. "D'licioush," he says
through closed lips.
"Aargh," screams Anna. She rushes over to the window and throws
up chips, sauce, and Diet Coke. Then she looks at dad in disgust.
Dad is a bit taken aback at Anna being sick. "It's okay," he
says, taking the plastic poo out of his mouth. "It's not real."
Dad gives a laugh and off he goes. And off goes Anna. She
decides that she wants to go home to her own house. And I don't
"Dad," I yell after Anna is gone. "I am never speaking to you
again." "Don't be such a baby," he says. "It's only a little
joke." It's always the same. Whenever a friend comes over to
stay, dad plays practical jokes. We have fake hands in the
trash, exploding drinks, pepper in the food, short-sheeted beds,
and Dracula's blood seeping out of dad's mouth. Some of the kids
think its great. They wish their dads were like mine. But I hate
it. I just wish he were normal. He plays trick on Bianca. And
Yasmin. And Nga. And Karla. None of them go home like Anna. But
each time I am so embarrassed.
And now I am worried. Cynthia is coming to stay. She is the
school captain. She is beautiful. She is smart. Everyone wants
to be her friend. And now she is sleeping over at our house.
"Dad," I say. "No practical jokes. Cynthia is very mature. Her
father would never play practical jokes. She might not
understand." "No worries," says dad.
Cynthia arrives, but we do not watch videos. We slave away on
our English homework. We plan our speeches for the debate in the
morning. We go over our parts in the school play. After all
that, we go out and practice shooting baskets, because Cynthia
is captain of the basketball team. Every now and then I pop into
the bedroom to check for practical jokes. It is best to be on
the safe side. We also do the dishes because Cynthia
offers--yes--offers to do it.
Finally it is time for bed. Cynthia changes into her nightie in
the bathroom and then joins me in the bedroom. "The cat's on my
bed," she says. "But it doesn't matter. I like cats." She pulls
back the blankets. And screams. "Aagh. Cat poo. Filthy cat poo
on my pillow." She yells and yells and yells. Just then dad
bursts into the room with a silly grin on his face. He goes over
and looks at the brown object on the pillow. He picks it up and
pops it into his mouth. But this time he does not give a grin.
His face freezes over. "Are you looking for this?" I say. I hold
up a bit of plastic poo that Dad had hidden under the blankets
earlier that night. Dad looks at the cat. Then he rushes over to
the window and is sick. Cynthia and I laugh like mad. We do love
a good joke.
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have
a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
Not My Drink!
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays
like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck
driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just
drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man,
I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just
can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I
fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous,
fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it
was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a
cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the
gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink
Porsche 911 Twin Turbo and Moped
A very self-important young man goes out and buys what he
believes is the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It
is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world.
That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so,
stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about
90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the
sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya'
got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me
"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost
"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the
young man proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty
nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show
the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10
seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a
dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He
slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?"
the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot
coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the
opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a
Porsche 911 Turbo?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM!
It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It
is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting
for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt
bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from
your side mirror, please."
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
At a dry cleaners: "Drop your pants here."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're
you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll
Quotes. . . .
- Some mornings, it just ain't worth chewing through the leather
- Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.
- Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs.
- Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested.
- DAMMIT, YOU'RE STILL TALKING?!
- Sex on the television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off.
- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
- Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- I went to hell, it was full, so I came back.
- Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as
long as I **** you off in the process.
- ****ed off? Hey, it's better than being ****ed on.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the people in his
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- We're born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.
- God bless America. But, God, please help Canada.
- Hey, the light at the end of that tunnel may be an oncoming
- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs
- Love thine enemies...it REALLY ****es them off.
- Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.
- You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.
- Gravity sucks.
- There are few problems that cannot be solved with the usage of
The Good, Bad and Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: You wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: You're daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend
Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.