When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but lacked direction.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 45 and looking for a girl with very big tits.
The real question is, how will we (this current generation) survive?????
Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have. As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead based paint. We often chewed on the crib, ingesting the paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We played with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops and robbers, and used our fingers to simulate guns when the toy ones or the BB gun was not available. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never over weight; we were always outside playing. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers. We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring). The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell and a pager was the school PA system. We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system. Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge (amazing we aren't all brain dead from that) and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention for about the next two weeks. We must have had horribly damaged psyches. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything. I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations. I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers that could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20. Built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger.
What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot. He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm. Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome and then we got butt-whooped. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got butt-whooped (physical abuse) there too... and then we got butt-whooped again when we got home.
Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (remember why Tonka trucks were made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room) and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.
Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent. Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents?
Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Harry Hinson from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she pick him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we survive?
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse
A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says...
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
A couple was sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked: "Who created the Earth and man?"
The woman poked the man with her knitting needle, and the man screamed, "God!"
The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right." Then he asked "Who is God's son?"
Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!"
Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam, when she didn't want any more children?"
The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he got up and screamed: "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"
Little something for your Tastebuds
Notes from an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank who had moved to
Texas from the East Coast.
Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event.
CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge One: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge One: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
Chili #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb.***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
CHILI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge One: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8: TOM'S HOTTER THAN A TEXAS SUMMER CHILI
Judge One: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
Eighty-year-old Bertha bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head. "Anybody that can guess what's in my head can have sex with me tonight."
An old man looked up from the pool table and said, "Umm, an elephant?"
Bertha thought about it for a second and said, "Close enough."
An old gentleman in a nursing home placed a sigh on his door that announced "STUD SERVICE." Within a few minutes, and old lady seeing the sign went into his room and asked, "How much do you charge?"
To which he replied, "$5.00 on the floor, $10.00 on the couch, $20.00 on the bed." The lady gave him a $20.00 bill.
He asked, "One on the bed?" No, replied the lady, "Four on the floor."
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"
To which the little boy replied, "Our sitter's boyfriend."
"Sally," asked Linda thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband?"
"With George?" Sally thought it over. "Let's see. I would break her cane, shoot her seeing eye dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution that she escaped from."
"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.
"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.
"Are you absolutely certain?" asked the man.
"Yes, my son, absolutely," replied the minister.
"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $125 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." And off she went.
Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body. Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"