Quote:
Originally posted by Barrio_rat
Please award this medal to deserving individuals as you see fit. It is the PITA (Pain In The Ass) Medal.
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Quote:
Originally posted by Barrio_rat
Please award this medal to deserving individuals as you see fit. It is the PITA (Pain In The Ass) Medal.
Quote:
Originally posted by wrbones
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya,huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish
sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
Thoughts for a Wednesday...
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these Terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Have a great Wednesday...
Quote:
Originally posted by NamNuts
Thoughts for a Wednesday...
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these Terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Have a great Wednesday...
Nam Nuts....you might have a idea there.......
One afternoon, an older gentleman was driving down the freeway when all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, he was pulled over by a state trooper in hot pursuit.
The police officer strutted up to the driver's window and asked the old gentleman, "Sir, didn't you know that your wife had fallen out of your car about four or five miles back?"
The old driver exclaimed, "Thank Goodness! What a relief! I thought that I had gone deaf."
A few years ago, a man who was openly gay was elected as Mayor of Key West, Florida. After the election results were in, a horde of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won.
A young reporter walked up to him and said, "Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass-roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies. I even heard that you kissed a parakeet."
The Mayor replied, "That's right, young man. I brought the campaign to the people. But I must correct you on one point - I did not kiss a parakeet. I kissed a cock-or-two."
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A little woman, calling the hospital, said,
"Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the
information regarding your patients.
I want to know if the patient is getting better,
or doing like expected, or is getting worse.
The voice on the other end of the line said,
"What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes, darling! she's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure
is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's
going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of
hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen
is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful!
Oh! that's fantastic, darling!... That's wonderful news!"
The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm,
I take it you must be a close family member or a very
close friend!"
She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor,
doesn't tell me ****!"
Eighty-year-old Bertha bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head. "Anybody that can guess what's in my head can have sex with me tonight."
An old man looked up from the pool table and said, "Umm, an elephant?"
Bertha thought about it for a second and said, "Close enough."
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An old gentleman in a nursing home placed a sigh on his door that announced "STUD SERVICE." Within a few minutes, and old lady seeing the sign went into his room and asked, "How much do you charge?"
To which he replied, "$5.00 on the floor, $10.00 on the couch, $20.00 on the bed." The lady gave him a $20.00 bill.
He asked, "One on the bed?" No, replied the lady, "Four on the floor."
Matthew sets up Andrew to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Andrew is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andrew, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry." Matthew says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Andrew knocks at the girl's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
"Sally," asked Linda thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband?"
"With George?" Sally thought it over. "Let's see. I would break her cane, shoot her seeing eye dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution that she escaped from."
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"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.
"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.
"Are you absolutely certain?" asked the man.
"Yes, my son, absolutely," replied the minister.
"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $125 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the romantic honeymoon resort. After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom.
But Bambi pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars.
"Dear," asked the somewhat impatient husband. "Aren't you coming to bed?"
"No," Bambi announced. "My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don't want to miss a single minute of it."