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The little daughter of a lieutenant answered a telephone call while her parents were out. A man called, identifying himself as Colonel Hendrick.
She asked if he would please spell the name slowly.
He said, "H as in horse, E as in egg, N as in nose, D as in doggie, R as in rabbit, I as in Indian, C as in cat, K as in kite."
When her father returned, he found the following message: "Daddy, call Colonel Horseeggnosedoggierabbitindiancatkite."
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Q: Why does it take longer to build a snowman than a Snow woman?
A: Because it takes so long to hollow out the man's head.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.
Q: What is the difference between a porcupine and a corvette?
A: Porcupines have pricks on their outside.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the **** out of you.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: Don't know! It has never happened!
In her own eyes, Julia was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."
"Really?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
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As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened, Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?"
"Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."
Two friends meet each other on the street. The first guy says, "Hello, Arnie! Where are you coming from?"
Arnie replied, "Oh, don't ask me. . . I'm coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law."
The first guy said, "I'm so sorry to hear that. But why is your face scratched all over?"
Arnie responded, "It wasn't so easy. She put up one hell of a fight!"
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Two women bumped into each other at the shopping mall. The first woman remarked, "My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday."
The second lady asked, "How is she now?"
The first woman replied, "She's fine. But, the dog died."
An eight-year-old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Okay," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along, but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates, and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton were on theTtitanic. When it started to sink Carter yelled, "Quick, save the women and children!"
Richard Nixon replied, "F**k the women and children."
To that, Bill Clinton exclaimed, "Do we have time?"
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Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.
We've all heard tales about how this branch of the military, or that one, is the toughest. Well, let me tell y'all about one of the strictest unit commanders ever to serve in the US Navy.
It was the policy of our Commanding Officer that he, and he alone would approve any and all leave. I approached him one day and asked for time off to get married in a few months
He looked me straight in the eye, and said, "Denied. Son, if we would have wanted you to have a wife, we would have issued you one!"
A man has his penis chopped off in a fluke accident. He is rushed to the hospital, where several doctors examine him.
After a careful examination, one of the doctors says to the man, "We can replace it with a small size penis for $2000, a medium sized penis for $5000, a large penis for $7000, or an extra large penis for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time, and talk it over with your wife."
When the doctor came back to the room, he found the man staring sadly at the floor. " We have made a decision," the man told his doctor, as he choked back tears. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen."