Once there was this mountain man who came into town. He goes to the local bar and has a drink. He asks the bartender, "Where can a guy get a woman around here?"
The bartender says, "There are no women around here but we have Joe in the back room." The mountain man replies, "No thanks, I don't go for that kind of thing." Then he leaves and goes back up into the mountains.
Three months pass, and the mountain man comes back into town and goes to the bar again. He asks the bartender if there are any women in town. The bartender tells him once again no but they have Joe in the back room. The mountain man says, "Naw, I don't go for that kind of thing."
Six months pass, and again the mountain man comes into town. He goes to the bar again and asks, "Are there any women in town"? The bartender says, "No, but we still have Joe in the back room."
The mountain man thinks for a moment and asks, "Say I was to go for Joe in the backroom there - Who would know?"
The bartender says, "Nobody but you, me, Joe and the two guys it takes to hold him down. Joe don't go for that kinda thing either."
This young man was dating a woman that he wanted to go to bed with in the worst possible way. He finally was able to talk her into a "quickie."
As they were crawling back into the front seat of the car, the young man said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."
To which she replied, "If I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose."
Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.
"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.
"Well, son," he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."
Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"
"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love."
"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you."
"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?"
"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"
His wife replied, "I just love. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
The blonde replied, "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We almost had that guy and his girlfriend."
The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That Camaro is in Georgia now. They are an hour ahead of us, so we'll never be able to catch 'em."
The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do.
The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember three things. First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down. Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these three words: "Aisle, altar, hymn."
(I'll alter him)
Two high-powered executives, Bob and Denny staggered out of their company Christmas party in New York City. Denny started crossing the street, while Bob accidentally stumbled into a subway entrance.
When Denny reached the other side, he turned to notice Bob emerging from the subway stairs. "Where have you been?" Denny slurred.
"I don't know" replied Bob, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
Our local supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry, lady," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."