(34) Did you eat a bowl of Stupid for breakfast?
(35) Keep honking, I'm reloading.
(36) My God, I hope stupidity isn't contagious.
(37) On a job application, never write "Yes Please" on the Sex? portion.
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(34) Did you eat a bowl of Stupid for breakfast?
(35) Keep honking, I'm reloading.
(36) My God, I hope stupidity isn't contagious.
(37) On a job application, never write "Yes Please" on the Sex? portion.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Car-go beep-beep.
God I love it. You gotta.
That is thee greatest joke in the world.
:p :banana: :p
A man walked into a drugstore and asked the pharmacist if the store carried condoms with insecticide in them.
The pharmacist replied, " You mean spermicide."
The man said, " No, I mean insecticide. My wife has some kinda bug up her *ss and I'm going in after it."
:banana:
A man, obviously very distraught, carried his dog into a veterinarian's office and laid the dog on the table.
The man said, "Doc, my dog is very sick! You have to do something for him!" The vet checked the dog over and told the fellow, "I hate to have to break it to you, but your dog isn't sick, he's dead".
The fellow replied, "Dead?, How can he be dead? He's just sick. You gotta do something!"
The vet turned to his assistant, and said, "OK, bring the tabby". The assistant brought in a cat and sat it on the table in front of the dog. The cat sniffed all over the dog's face, walked across the length of the dog's body, and bit the dog on the tail. No response.
The dog's owner finally conceded, "You're right. I guess he is dead. How much do I owe you?"
The vet replied, $825.00. The man freaked out, "$825.00! What for?"
The vet said, "Well, $25.00 for my fee and $800.00 for the cat scan".
:banana:
A fellow walks into a trucking office to apply for a job driving a truck. He goes in for the interview, and promptly tells the gentle man " before we get into this, I have to let you know that if you hire me you have to hire my "A" driver Leroy, because we have been together 20 years." the gentleman says "well, let me ask you a question. You are going down a steep grade and you lose your brakes,you are picking up speed and doing about 90 miles an hour, at the bottom of the hill is a one lane bridge, but you see another truck about to cross the bridge at the same time you will get there, there is a 500 foot drop off if you miss the bridge, what are you going to do?" the guy says " well, I'm gonna wake Leroy up" The man gets all excited and says "WHY ARE YOU GOING TO WAKE UP LEROY?" And the guy says " well, me and Leroy has been together for 20 years, and he ain't never seen a wreck like we fixen to have.":banana:
Visiting VIP's
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIP's would be touring the plant in just a few minutes.
All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.
Visitors?
My husband, a forester, often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep Out...This Means You!" Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner. When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way."
Visual Acuity Tes
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began. "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
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Vitamins
"I would like some vitamins for my son," the mother said as she walked into the pharmacy.
"Vitamins A, B, or C?" asks the pharmacist.
"It doesn't matter, he can't read yet."
Volunteers
On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that a flight to Las Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later.
About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."
Vultures With Luggage
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Wacky 911 Calls, Part 1
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The following excerpts were taken from the book, "What's the Number for 911?"
by New York Times Bestselling author, Leland Gregory.
To listen to real (and really stupid) 911 calls, go to Wacky 911 Calls!
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(I'm sure that those of you who work the 911 lines could add volumes to this as well.)
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A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.
A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."
A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You ain't nothing but a hound dog.'"
A man called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.
A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.
Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and is in a tree outside.
A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go over to her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.
A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person answering told him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.
A woman called to request a police officer come to her residence to change the battery in her smoke detector. She couldn't reach it.
A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.
A person called to find out the number to the police station.
Wacky 911 Calls, Part 2
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The following excerpts were taken from the book, "What's the Number for 911?"
by New York Times Bestselling author, Leland Gregory.
To listen to real (and really stupid) 911 calls, go to Wacky 911 Calls!
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Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name."
Caller: "Could you send the police to my house?"
Call-taker: "What's wrong there?"
Caller: "I called and someone answered the phone, but I'm not there."
Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it."
Call-taker: "Is the deer alive?"
Caller: "Oh, no, it's run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!"
Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?"
Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)."
Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?"
Caller: (irate) "That's 'W' as in Williams and 'Y' as in why."
Caller (on realizing the police are on the way):
"Get the keg outta here, dude!"
Caller: "He's not breathing!"
Call-taker: "Can you get the phone close to him?
Caller: "WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?"
Call-taker: "Does she have any weapons?"
Caller: "Well, she has real long finger nails."
Call-taker: "We'll need a description of him."
Caller: "He's a lawyer."
Caller: "No, she just didn't fall ... I helped her!"
Complaint about a stolen mailbox:
Call-taker: "What is your address?" Caller: "It's gone."
Nurse: "This is Room 314D - that's 'D' as in dead."
Caller: "I'm scared, I just got a Ouija board for my birthday, and now there's writing on my wall and I can't get it off ... this thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning!
Waiting for the Hostess
The two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in another room.
The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed, spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.
Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not very p - r - e - t - t - y, is she?"
Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm very s - m - a - r - t and I can s - p - e - l - l."
Waitress!
We were standing in line outside a busy restaurant. The harried hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group. "Party of two," the woman behind us said to her, "and could we please have Michelle?"
Annoyed looks turned to knowing smiles when she added, "Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!"