I'm a Senior Citizen
* I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts until 8 PM.
* I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
* I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
* I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
* I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
* I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
* I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over.
* I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
* I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
* I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
* I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
* I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
* I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
* I'm having trouble remembering simple words like........
* I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
* I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
* I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
* I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
* I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP.
* I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
* I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now If I could only remember who sent this to me! You didn't, did you?
There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew everything there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws. There wasn't a better accountant anywhere.
Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a moment, and then close and lock it again. This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this genius exhibited. For years no one dared to breach etiquette and snoop through his desk, but his odd behavior became something of a legend around the office.
One day when the elderly man was home sick, one junior accountant could control himself no longer. Taking a letter opener he carefully pried open the desk lock. Inside he found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was:
"DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"
Sense of Humor
My girlfriend wanted me to meet her folks, to which I hesitantly agreed. "My mother has a great sense of humor," I was told. "You'll get along just fine."
We met her parents at a local restaurant, and right away her mom launched into a string of jokes. I began telling anecdotes, and soon all four of us were laughing hysterically.
After several minutes passed, my girlfriend noticed that there was no one seated in our area. "Maybe we're being too loud," she said.
"Nonsense," I said, "the waitress is probably asking customers if they'd like to be seated in 'Joking' or 'Non-joking'!!"
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
Sermons of the Boring Variety
A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised that she would stop being so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers.
The preacher was true to his word, never looking through his wife's dresser drawers, and the good wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons. Their marriage progressed smoothly.
After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple.
That evening, as they were putting their anniversary gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10,000, in bills of varied denominations. He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife.
"Oh," she said. "Well, you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?"
The preacher, feeling profoundly guilty, answered, "Yes."
"Well," she continued, "I promised to stop criticizing your boring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer."
The preacher smiled. "Well, that's not so bad. Fifty years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all that money?"
His wife quietly responded, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."
During the last session of our teaching workshop, participants were asked to state their personal goals for the immediate future. One teacher vowed to update photo albums, another to lose weight. The goal that got the most response, however, was given by a slightly out-of-shape kindergarten teacher. "I resolve to exercise until I can complete a 20-minute workout in less than an hour," she said.
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read:
"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:
"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
Pat and Mike are playing golf one day and Pat hits a hook off the tee into a deep ravine running alongside the fairway. He goes down into the ravine to look for his ball while Mike takes the cart over to the other side of the fairway.
After a while, Mike realizes that he hasn't seen Pat in quite some time so he goes back over to the ravine. Looking down, he sees his partner sitting on the ground shaking uncontrollably. Next to him is a skeleton clutching a seven iron with a golf ball next to his feet.
Mike descends into the ravine and helps Pat stand up. After he composes himself, Pat says "What do you think we should do?" "Well," says Mike, "I sure don't think you want to use your seven iron."
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.
After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"
Private Jones was assigned to the Army Induction Center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the Center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced towards him out of a dust cloud. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out of the window and asks: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and answers, "Sure!"
The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell phone, surfs to a NASA page where he calls up a GPS navigation system, scans the area and opens a database and some 60 spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally, he prints a 150-page report on a miniature printer, turns to our shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep!"
"That's correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee.
As the car starts to pull away, he calls out: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not?" answers the young man, stopping the car.
"You are a consultant" says the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie. "How did you guess?"
"Easy," answers the shepherd. "You turn up here without being asked. You want to be paid for information I already have. And you don't know anything about my business because you just took my dog."
Sherlock and the IRS
A stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" replied the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate. The man said something; and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.
Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. Then he signed, very small and slowly: "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."
The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:
"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawenes."