So far today,
I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped.
I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't lied or cheated.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, Lord,
I'm going to get out of bed;
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help.
Prayers Before Eating
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," Little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"
Position To Pray
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."
The Preacher's Sermon
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
A friend of mine heard this on a pre-flight announcement from an American Airlines pilot: "On our flight today, we will be flying at 34,000 feet. To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 Empire State buildings stacked one on top the other.
"Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol."
"We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude, the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives."
"In other words, we're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and as always, your Dallas based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way!"
afterbirth--when the hard part begins.
cravings--an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.
dilation--one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.
elastiphobia--fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."
first trimester--the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"
maternity clothes--what a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.
miracle--1 the birth of a baby. 2 The fact that you lived to tell about it.
obstetrician--the doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.
pregnant pause--the amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.
prenatal--when your life was still your own.
pushing--the final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.
second trimester--the time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"
third trimester--the final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"
Pregnancy Questions and Answers
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
A. So what's your question?
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
A. When the kids are in college.
Preparation for Parenthood
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
2. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
3. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
4. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
7. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
8. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. -There!, Perfect!
9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
10. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
11. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
12. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food- drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."
The President and the Puppies
President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democratic puppies, Mr. President."
Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are. The man responds, "They're Republican puppies."
The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democratic puppies."
The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were, today they have their eyes open!"
LATER . . .
President Clinton decides to buy one of the puppies as a present for Hillary. He sneaks the puppy under his coat into the White House and he's walking down one of the halls when he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton can't hold back and shares his surprise with the Vice President.
"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.
Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says, "Nice trade, sir!"
If the President Were a Dog ...
WAYS THE U.S. WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF THE PRESIDENT WERE A DOG
(Broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman)
10. Doggy door on oval office
9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President,"
reporters would shout, "Here fella!"
8. Good-bye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal
7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
5. Public Enemy # 1 -- Bob Barker
4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon
3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife
2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking
1. One word: sausage-gate
One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the President.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you don't need a wheelchair!"
"No, but I will when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."
President Clinton went to an elementary school to address a group of children about tragedies. Before he started, he asked the children to give him an example of a tragedy. Several students raised their hands and he selected a little girl.
The girl said, "If a boy chased a ball into the street and was killed by a car, that would be a tragedy."
Mr. Clinton replied, "No, that would be an accident."
A second student said, "If a bus full of children drove over a cliff and all were killed, that would be a tragedy."
The President thought for a moment and said, "No, I believe that would be a great loss."
Clinton asked the class again for an example and no one raised a hand. He said, "Surely someone can give me an example of a tragedy."
Finally a little boy spoke up and said, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air Force One and a bomb exploded and you both were killed, that would be a tragedy."
The President was very glad and said, "Yes, that would be a tragedy. Can you explain why?"
The boy said, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident and it sure wouldn't be a great loss!"
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.
"With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and
let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you,
you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that. He is going to
try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him
do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to
have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do
that. It will disgrace the family.
" With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on
her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she
had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried to get on top of me, I just turned over, got on top of him, and
disgraced HIS family..."