After being arrested by the police, and going through the legal system, three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in jail.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and brushes and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, blackjack and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The third guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."
One evening, an American walks into a bar in Sydney. He grabs a handful of coins out of his pocket, throws them in the air, pulls a gun, shoots six times and six bullets go through the center of six coins.
The American announces, "My name is Bill - Buffalo Bill."
Immediately, a Russian jumps up from behind the bar, pulls his pants down and everyone can clearly see he has three enormous d**ks hanging down.
The Russian announces, "My name, also, is Bill - Chern O. Bill."
Last Halloween, a young boy dressed as a pirate captain knocked on the door of a house to get some trick-or-treat candy.
A kindly woman answered the door and recognized that the young lad was a pirate. His costume was really cute, with a toy parrot on his shoulder, eye patch, and all. She thought she'd have a little fun with the boy by teasing him a bit.
"Where are your buccaneers?" asked the woman.
To that, the boy replied, "Under my buccan-hat!"
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row because he hears a thumping sound coming from his parent's room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noises. When I looked in your bedroom, you were bouncing up and down on him."
His mother is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's too fat, and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom asks, "Oh, Really? Why not?"
The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave every day and blows him back up!"
Ladies Restroom So typical of a man......not to listen!
A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied.
A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a
look of pain and anxiety on his face.
"Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you
promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he
noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were
identified by the letters: WW, WA, and PP, and there was one red button
labeled ATR. Who would really know if he touched them?
He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed
the WW button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice
feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button. Warm Air
replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his
underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped,
and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his
The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender
He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed
what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!...
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was
staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the
"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a
grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
penis is under your pillow."
These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now. (Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.)
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false - a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it all right to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish, as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get it"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's come from the next apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not; I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorce.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Hope ya liked 'em. I'd also like y'all to remember that the holidays are coming and you should be careful of your partying - KNOW YOUR LIMIT!
An Indian from a nearby reservation went to a ***** house and knocked on the door. When the madam answered, he said, "Me want woman!" The Madam looks at him kind of funny and said, "You want a woman huh?" He replies, "Yes. Me want woman. Me got money."
"But do you have experience?" the madam asked. "Experience?" asked the Indian. "Have you done this before?" asked the madam. "No, but me want woman. Me got money," replied the Indian.
The madam laughed and said, "I'll tell you what honey - You go out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in those trees, and when you know what you're doing you come back and see me."
The Indian went out into the forest and found a knothole to practice. The next week he went back to the *****house and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered, he exclaimed, "Me want woman. Me got experience!" So the Madam sent him upstairs with one of her girls.
When they get upstairs the Indian told her to take off her clothes and bend over. When she did, he took out a 2 x 4 and smacked her on the ass.
"What the hell did you do that for!" she exclaimed. The Indian replied, "Me check for bees."
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Last week, Gerald's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look many years younger.
After a lengthy sitting in front the mirror applying the "miracle" products Gerald's wife asked, "Honey, honestly what age would you say I am?"
Looking her over very carefully, Gerald replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; from your hair, eighteen; and from your figure, I'd say about twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"And now," Gerald interrupted. "Adding them up, I have to say ..."
It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom of the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds.
After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think . . ." "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.
At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think . . ." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"