Printable View
Phone Repairs
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
The Photo Shoot
Two weeks after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor.
The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in as he pressed home his sales pitch.
Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.
"None," I replied. "This isn't my child."
Photo Touch-Up
A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer.
She asked the photographer if he could remove the hat from the picture.
He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on.
"I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."
Physics Class
As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.
Piano Tuner
It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.
"If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."
Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."
Picking a Jury
A judge was hearing a straight forward drunk-driving case, but the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and the jury went in- to the jury-room to deliberate. The judge figured he would be going home soon, and everyone waited.
But one hour turned into two hours, and finally after three hours, the judge was totally out of patience. He sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Picture Menu
I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".
I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.
Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing . I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to and for how long?"
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."
A Picture is Worth ... How Many Words?
A picture frame was broken, and I decided to try my hand at repairing it. A screw was missing in one corner, so I called the hardware store. "Do you carry screws for picture frames?" I asked the man who answered. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know, but it's rather small."
The man sighed. "Ma'am, would that be closer to 'itsy-bitsy' or 'teeny-weeny'?" he asked.
Piece of Advice
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.
In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."
A Pie in the Oven
A woman was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her son had come down with a high fever and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor.
She drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more as the doctor emerged from the examining room and handed her a slip of paper. "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away."
By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven.
At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car . . . . . . Which was locked. There were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car.
She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger-which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she finally found a wire hanger. Hurrying out of the mall, she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!"
Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and, Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen," She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.
A young man, twentyish-looking, in a stained T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. He was coming her way. When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?" He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?"
She had never seen anything like it-it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and the door was open. When she saw that she threw her arms around him.
"Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy."
He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday." She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless the Lord! she cried. "He sent me a professional!"
Pipe Specifications
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The inside diameter of the pipe must not exceed the outside diameter - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. (Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.)
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153 m) long should have the words 'long pipe' painted on each end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words 'long pipe' painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" in diameter must have the words 'large pipe' painted on it so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degree, 45 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify right hand or left hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
Pirates
Two pirates are talking. One has a wooden leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
How'd you get that wooden leg, mate?
Ay, it got bit off by a varmit shark.
How'd you get that metal hook?
Lost 'er in a sword fight . . . guy cut off me bloody hand.
How'd you get that eye patch?
Well, I was up in the crows nest and I looked up to spy this seagull. The dang thing got me right in the eye!
Well, how'd THAT make you blind?
Arr, it was the first day I had me hook!
Pizza Delivery
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason, a college student delivered his pizza.
"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?" inquired the man.
Jason replied, "Applied psychology."