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Doilies
As a new bride, Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For fifty years Jack left the box alone, until Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to Edna and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."
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Doing Homework
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
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Doing the Wash
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
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Do It Yourself
The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were. "He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, these vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" And he said, "No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself."
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Do You Realize...
A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Congress?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
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Don't Blame the Doc, Doc
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.
"My General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
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Letter From Santa
Dear Friend,
I have been watching you very closely to see if you if
you have been good this year and since you have I will
be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to
leave under your tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all the gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing.
The 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in the pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird ****.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my **** together and bring you the things you want.
This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.
Sincerely, Santa
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> Because I am a man...
> >
> >
> > Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
> with
> > a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
> > the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
> If
> > another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
> be able
> > to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
> everything, I
> > wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink a Coke.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me
> > soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a
> woman. You
> > never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
> > ----------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries
> > at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
> exotic
> > items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same
> thing.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
> > insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just
> cost me
> > twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
> back
> > together.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
> > hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss
> a whole
> > show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by
> holding a
> > calculator).
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I
> > don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to
> a
> > complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?
> > ----- -------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
> > about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have
> to make
> > up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
> > mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
> her
> > any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is
> okay; I
> > don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
> mother,
> > too.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
> > Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
> > what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair
> of shoes
> > is fine. With the belt or without it--looks fine. Your hair is
> fine! You
> > look fine. Can we just go now?
> > ------------------------------------------
> > Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will
> > share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
> cooking, the
> > gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do
> the
> > rest.
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Don't Have Any
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"
The manager shrugs, "Sorry."
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.
"Nope. Don't have that."
"Well" the woman says, "If you don't have anything, why don't you close the store?"
The manager shrugs, "Can't. Don't have the key."
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Don't Pay For Me
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.
When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
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The Dopeler Effect
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
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Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as on the CNN Tower.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
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Double Negatives
linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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(Additional comment by Paul): This is an example of the uniquely American linguistic construct known as the "double sarcasm".
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Doughboy Dies
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at him.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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Dreams
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
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Dressed Alike
I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.
She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."
