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"Flashlight"
One day some Kentuckyans were trying to fish but caught very little. A Ohioan was fishing nearby and noticed the Kentuckyans.The Ohioan asked if they wanted to come and fish where he was, if so he would get his flashlight ,turn it on and they could walk across the beam. They finally said," No, because when we get halfway across you will turn it off
"Hearing Voices"
(I'm afraid this joke is better heard than read. Importantly, the "voice" has to be a raspy whisper... like a certain unnamed movie in particular.)
Ricky is walking down the street on his way to work, and he hears a voice;
"Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas."
Ricky gets very irritated and shouts "No! I will not do that!" And on he goes to work.
The next day, Ricky's walking to work and again the voice;
"Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas."
Ricky becomes frustrated and sternly says "No." And on he goes to work.
This goes on for several weeks until finally, one day;
"Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas."
Ricky loses it, and says "Okay! Fine! I'll quit my job," He quits his job, "I'll sell my house," He sells his house, and off to Vegas.
Gets on the plane, flies, lands, gets in a cab, and goes to the first casino he likes, and gets out. He looks around at all the gambling addicts walking up and down the streets, the girls passing out casino chips, the old folks, the tourist families. The voice says;
"Go into the casino."
Ricky walks into the casino, and checks out everyone on the slots, the poker tables, blackjack, you name it. The voice says;
"Go to the Roulette wheel."
And he does.
"Put all your money on... Twenty One."
And he does.
He places his every last penny down, the dealer spins the wheel, lets loose the ball, and it spins. Spins and spins and lands on... Seventeen.
The voice says;
"F*ck"
"Mother-in-law gets double"
One day a man was exploring a cave and found a magic lamp. When he rubbed the lamp a genie poped out and said "I will grant you three wishes, but your mother-in-law will get double what you wish for." "Again!" cried the man. "I wish I was the richist man in the univirse." "It is done, but remember, Your mother-in-law gets twice that." "I wish I own two mansions." "It is done, but remember, your mother-in-law gets double." "Beat me half to death."
Ten Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween
You get winded from knocking on the door.
You have to have someone chew the candy for you.
You ask for high fiber candy only.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.
People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!"
and you're not wearing a mask.
When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
and you can't remember the rest.
By the end of the night you have a bag full of
restraining orders.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hair piece.
You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood
with a walker.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a bar.
"What will you have?" asked the bartender.
"I'll have a glass of blood," replied the first.
"I'll have a glass of blood too please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight, " said the bartender,
"That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military
induction
> > > > > center, and because he was a good talker, they assigned him
the
duty
> > > > > of advising new recruits about the government benefits,
especially
> > > > > the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
> > > > > Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center
began
> > > > > noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI
> > insurance.
> > > > > This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductee's
nearly
> > $30.00
> > > per
> > > > > month more for their coverage, that was
> > > > > already afforded by that which the government was already
granting.
> > > > > The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his
> > > > > selling techniques, but that he would sit in the back of the
room
> and
> > > > > observe Bubba's sales pitch.
> > > > > Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductee's and
> > > > > stated ------ "If you have the normal GI insurance and go
into
> battle
> > > and are
> > > > > killed the government pays your beneficiaries $6,000. If you
take
> out
> > > the
> > > > > supplemental GI insurance ( which will cost you an additional
$30.00
> > per
> > > month),
> > > > > the government pays your beneficiaries $200,000. --------
NOW"
Bubba
> > > concluded,
> > > > > " Which bunch do you think
> > > > > that they are going to send into battle first?"
> >
Fighter Pilot
There was something like this around before, but this is funny....
He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon.
Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the barkeeper. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The barkeeper wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off.
"What do you do?" he asked.
"I used to be a fighter pilot. I'm retired now," was the answer.
Now, really unsure, but, the barkeeper decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go. "
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. He rolled back his sleeves, exposing a large, well-worn watch with buttons on the side and a tatoo that said "Yankee Air Pirate. By the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The barkeeper bought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that tune?" he asked.
"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock & Roll Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another one," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that last song was called "Big Boobs Light My Afterburner." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, the barkeeper decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what ever he called his songs.
When the guy came out of the men's room, the barkeeper went over to tell him that he had the job, but noticed the old pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out. He said "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Do I know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it !!!
"the penguines day out!"
One day an old lady was driving down the road with a penguin in her back seat that she had found.She asked a policeman what to do with it the policeman said to take it to the zoo so the old lady took it to the zoo.The next day the old lady was driving down the road with the penguin stil in her back seat she saw the policeman and he stopped her."i thought i told you to take it to the zoo said the policeman "i did and now i am taking it to the funfair" said the old lady.
"Cure for Chapped Lips"
A cowboy drifter rides into a town in the old west, and stops to tie his horse to a hitching post in front of the saloon. Several loafers, drunks, and townspeople are sitting in chairs on the boardwalk outside the saloon door. They watch, in amazement, as the stranger...after tying his horse, walks around behind the animal, lifts it's tail, and kisses the horse right in it's ass. "Gawd damn, stranger!!", says one of the onlookers, "Why in the hell did you kiss yore hoss's ass?" The stranger lifts the brim of his Stetson, looks the bystander in the eye, and says, "I got chapped lips". The bystander spit tobacco juice into the street and says, "I ain't never heard of curin' chapped lips by kissin' a hosses ass". "Didn't say it'd cure chapped lips", said the stranger, "But, it shore as hell keeps ye from a'lickin' 'em".
"Nice Bartender"
This guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a drink, and while you're at it, give everybody in this bar a drink, and bartender, you seem like a nice guy, have a drink yourself." The bartender sets up everybody in the bar with a drink. The bartender drinks his and says, "Hey buddy that's really nice of you, what's the special occasion?" The guy replies, "Oh, no special occasion, I just wanted everybody to have a drink." The bartender says, "That's great buddy, that will be $75.00." The guy says, "Heck, I ain't got no money." The bartender beats this guy to a pulp and throws him out into the street.
About a week later, the guy walks into the bar again, he is all bandaged up, broken arm and leg, walking on a crutch, and he says, "Hey bartender, give me a drink, and while you're at it, give everybody in this bar a drink." The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Hey, what's up buddy, don't I get a drink this time?" The guys replies, "Heck no, you like to fight when you drink."
"the blonde in the circle"
A blonde just got a new sports car, so she took it for a drive. When she was driving, she cut off a truck driver, so he motioned for her to pull over. She pulled over, and he got out and pulled a piece of chalk out of his pocket. He drew a circle on the ground, and in a gruff voice said, "You get in this circle and don't move." He then pulled out a knife and slit her seats. When he turned around, she was smiling. This angered him, so he got out a bat and bashed her car up. When he turned around, she was smiling. He said, "Oh, well if you think that's funny...watch this." He took his knife and slit her tires. When he turned around, she was laughing. Then he got a can of gasoline and poured it all over her car. Then he set it the car on fire. This time when he turned around, she was laughing so hard that she was crying. He asked, "What's so funny?" and she replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle."
"A Blonde and Fire"
There was a blonde, burnett, and a redhead in a burning building. The only way to escape was to go to the top of the building and pray.
When they go to the top of the building, the looked down to the ground and saw firemen holding a blanket out. The firemen said "you the readhead, you jump first!" "But i'm afraid of hights." "Thats ok we'll catch you"
The read head told them to get ready and then jumped. "WHOOSH" the readhead jumped and the firemen pulled the blanket away and she hit the concrete like a pancake.
The they told the burnett to do it. She said no way i saw wut you just did to my friend, i'm not that stupid. The firemen told the burnett that they just hated redheads and that they would catch her. She finally decided to jump and when she did the firemen again pulled the blanket out from underneath her and she hit the ground and splatered like a tomato.
Fianlly it was the blondes turn. They told her to jump and she said no way! I'm a blonde but not that stupid. they then said they like blondes out of every one. She then makes a compromise. She said here's wut i will do. You put the blanket on the ground, back up ten feet and then i will jump.
"Feminism"
A female student is assigned a thesis on "changing trends in feminism". In her research she is shocked to read of a village in Central Africa where, 50 years ago, the women were so inferior to their husbands that they dared only to walk 10 paces behind them. Determined to find out whether the situation had changed she set out to this country and was delighted to see that it had. Leaving the airport she saw that the men were walking not 10 paces, but 100m ahead of their husbands. In her enthusiasm the student catches up with one such lady and asks of her, "What great change could have occured which means that you, the woman, can now lead your husband through these paths". The African woman looks at her sadly and replys, "land mines".
"Sic Sqid"
Once upon a time deep in the depths of the sea a sad squid was laying on the sea-bed feeling very sorry for himself and poorly.
All of a sudden a large shadow appeared above him and looking up he saw a large shark.
“Hello squiddy” said the shark “You don’t look too good what’s the matter”?
“Oh I have to get my pension today and it’s a long journey and I don’t feel very well today every thing seems to much of an effort”.
“No problem”, said the shark “I will land on the sea bed and you can climb onto my back and we will be able to get you to the post office in no time”.
The shark slowly landed next to the squid on the seabed and the squid climbed onto his back and hung on with his tenticles as the shark went off at a frightening speed for the squid.
After half an hour the shark slowed down and stopped.
All of a sudden everything went black above them and the shark and the squid looked up frightened, above them casting a great black shadow was a huge killer whale.
“Hello sharkey I’ve been looking for you, do you have anything for me” said the killer whale threatenly.
“Oh yes” said the shark, “Have a look on my back. “It’s the six quid I owe you”.
"3 guys in a desert"
There were 3 guys walking in a desert. A Farmer, Osama Bin Laden, and A U.S. Technical engineer. One of them steps on a rock and a genie pops out. She says "Because you have freed me from my rock, I will grant you each on wish."
The Farmer wishes for fertile soil year round so he can grow crops.
Osama Bin Laden wishes for a wall around his country so nothing can get in or out.
The Tech En. says " I am curious tell me more about this wall."
The Gnie says" It is 15,ooo feet high and nothing can get in or out.
The Tech says "FILL IT IN WITH WATER!!!!"""
"three indians and a chief"
There was once 3 indians and a chief. the chief told the indians to go hunting a couple minutes later the first indian comes back with a deer. The chief said, "how did you get that deer?". The indian said, "Me see track me follow track me shoot deer". Then the 2nd indian comes back with a bear. the chief asked him how he got the bear. the indian said, "Me see track me follow track me shoot bear." A couple hours later the third indian comes back all bruised up and bleeding. The chief asked, "What happened to you"? The indian said me see track me follow track me get hit by a train.