"Gotta Have Faith"
A priest, Baptist minister & a rabbi were having lunch when the priest & minister started talking about fishing. "you know, said the rabbi, I should take up fishing. Well, said the priest, come with us. We're going this afternoon." They're out in the boat fishing when suddenly the priest steps out of the boat & walks a few yards away & begins fishing. The rabbi is dumbfounded seeing the priest walk on water. A while later the minister joins the priest.The rabbi is shocked. Finally he thinks, "my faith is as strong as theirs. If they can walk on water so can I. He steps out of the boat & almost drowns. He struggles back in the boat. Soon, he tries again with the same result. The priest looks over at the minister & says, " ya think we should tell that stupid son of a ***** where the rocks are'?
"A Fishermans Tale"
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect
one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now"
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."
How to Detect a Mental Deficiency
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
Proverbs As Told By Children
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:
As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new... math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!
A penny saved is... not much.
Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.
Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
Too Many Questions
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions...like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
Here's a recipe to make Mom's famous brownies!
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Jr. and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.
Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Frosting--Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine.
Take the %$$&#&% teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
Get to the Back of the Line
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30AM, the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he complained to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"
No Tail Light
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the
service assistant.'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet'. The service assistant says I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede'. 'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it!'
The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says: 'Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the pub for a beer?'The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, 'I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask
again. Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, 'Hey centipede,how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?' Again, the centipede doesn't answer him. 'Hmmmmm' the guy thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask him again'. Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede. 'I'll just ask him one more time' he tells himself. 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?' The centipede looks up at the man and says, 'For ****'s sake man, I heard you the first time! I'm putting my boots on
Pheasant Flies Up Tree
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy".
Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They"re packed with nutrients".
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story:
Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won"t keep you there.
"beer slinging rats"
One friday afternoon three rats meet at the bar to sling back a few cold ones and shoot the ****.
One beer leads to another and befor they know it two of the rats start comparing tough rat stories.
The first rat says "I've got no fear, ya know them big old traps? Well I just stick my hand right in em and snatch out the days lure. Don't even faze me!"
The second rat just shrugs his shoulders and says "Yeh well you know that green poison? I eat that **** like cheese. Dont even get a little heartburn, I love that ****!"
The third rat half listening stands up, finishes off the last of his beer, slams the pounder on the bar and says "Well guys I'm outta here I gotta go home and **** the cat!"