Chuckles of the Day...

"A Good Salesman"

After his first day working at a department store. The manager walks up to his new sales men and asked him how many sales he had his first day.

The young man proudly answered ?One.? The manager replied ?only one, well how much was it for?? The young man responded with $39562. Curious the manager asked what he had sold.


He was buying some fishing hooks and I told him that he would probably need some stronger line to go with those hooks. He agreed but before he left I suggested he bought a new rod to go with his new line and hooks. And to my surprise he bought it as well. So I thought I would try to sell him a boat so that he could go out and catch some big fish. After deciding on the boat he realized that his car wouldn?t be able to tow the boat so I showed him the new truck we had and he bought that as well. By the time he had walked out his total was $39562.


The manager said ?you are one hell of a sales men a guy comes into buy fishing hooks and you sell him fishing line, a rod, a new boat, and even a truck?


?No? the clerk said ?He came in to buy tampons for his girlfriend and I said your weekend is pretty much shot you should go fishing!?

"Ice fishing"


A guy decided to go ice fishing one winter's day. As he started drilling his hole a voice from above said "There are no fish under the ice!" Three times he started to drill and three times he heard the same words. Finally he looked toward the sky and asked "Is that you Lord?"

"No, stupid" came the reply, "I'm the hockey rink announcer."

A Chicagoan dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Chicagoan is happily swinging his hammer and
whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The Chicagoan, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Chicago. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home.
This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Chicagoan's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Chicagoan is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The Chicagoan replies, "This is great! Just like April in Chicago. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the Chicagoan suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice.
Confident that this will surely make the Chicagoan unhappy, the devil checks in on the Chicagoan. He is again aghast at what he sees.

The Chicagoan is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!" screams the devil.

Jumping up and down the Chicagoan throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Cubs won the world series!! "

> >
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > very secluded,rural area of the state. After spending
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > substance on his plate and he questioned his
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > grandfather......."are these plates clean?"His
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > grandfather replied...."those plates
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > substance that looked like dried egg yokes....so he
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > asked again.... "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > says......"I told you before, those dishes are as
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, as he was on
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > and would not let him pass....... "Grandfather, your
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > dog won't let me out," he complained. Without
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > diverting his attention from the football game, his
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Grandfather shouted......"Coldwater, move!"

1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He
didn't trust me so much.

7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

8. If the shoe fits ... buy it in every color.

9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

10. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

13. Some days are a total waste of makeup.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to
make them all yourself

Women vs Men

1. NAMES - If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT - When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY - A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS - A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS - A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS - Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE - A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS - A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE - A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING - UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL - Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING - Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady

and after the wedding, he laid down the following

rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what

time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I

expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you

that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,

boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies

and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are

my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just

understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock

every night . . . whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II):

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of

their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells,

"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you

a headstone that reads,

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight

at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no

good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to call her, after the

phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,

"What took you so long.."

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his

achievement. He is so proud

of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother

of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that

it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife

is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his

voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of

discretion shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

God may have created man before woman but there is

always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

YES DEAR.

"Cohones de Toro..."

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on acation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Put The Cat Out


A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say good bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

"Boring Bar"

A guy walks into a bar...no one is there except the bartender. He orders a beer...drinks it. Orders another...drinks it. Finally he says to the bartender, "Kind of boring here with only me and you...I'll tell you what....just to liven things up, I'll make a bet with you". "Okay", says the bartender, what's the bet?" "I'll bet you a beer I can bite my right eyeball", says the customer. "Oh, what the hell", says the bartender, "okay". So, the guy takes out his glass eye, bites it, and replaces it. "Okay", says the bartender, "here's your beer. You got me with that one."....The guy drinks it and says, "Tell you what...for another beer, I'll bet you I can bite my left eyeball". The bartender's thinking there's no way the guy's blind, so he takes the bet. The customer takes out his false teeth, bites his left eyeball, and collects the beer. Finishing his beer, the customer says, "One more bet!! I'll bet you I can stand on the bar...**** on you... and not get you wet". The bartender thinks..what the hell...it'll be worth it just to see what happens...so he agrees to the bet. The customer gets on the bar, pulls out his dick, and starts ****ing on the bartender...soaking him! "Goddam you, you sorry mother****er!! Look what you've done!!", screams the bartender. "Well, what the ****?", says the customer, "you can't win 'em all".

"DUMASS DOG"

Clinton walked in a bar with his dog, DumAss. Clinton said to the bartender"How bout a free drink and I'll introduce you to my dick suckin' dog, Dumass." The Bartender agreed so the all went to the back room. Clinton told the bartender to pull out his dick and he positioned Dumass in front of the bartender. "Now what ?" said the barkeep. Clinton positioned the dog closer to the bartenders dick and gave the dog the command to suck his dick. The dog just sat there.... Clinton again and again commanded the dog to suck the barkeeps dick. Dumass just sat there.. Clinton said" Now look, Dumass, I'm only gonna show you this one more time......"

-(7)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a small bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your degrading blond jokes, *******! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only other blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!"

-(8)

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walk into a bar. They sit there for a while before they talk to the bartender. He tells them that if they go into the bathroom and say something that's true into the mirror, a genie will appear and grant them one wish. If they don't say something true, they get sucked into the mirror. They all go into the bathroom. The brunette steps in front of the mirror and says "I think I'm the smartest woman in the bar." The genie appears and grants her a wish. The redhead steps in front of the mirror and says "I think I'm the prettiest woman in the bar." The genie again appears and grants her a wish. The blonde steps in front of the mirror and says "I think...." and immediately the blonde is sucked into the mirror.

-(9)

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

-(10)

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what

had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the

phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to

your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-***** called back!"

"Funniest one you'll ever hear"

One sunny day a Russian, an American and a blonde are walking down the street. They were talking and getting to know eachother and they started talking about history. The Russians chest swells up and he says proudly "We were the first to land on Mars!"
The American says "We were the first to land on the moon!" The blonde's chest puffs up the most and she says "Yeah, I bet you can't beat this, we're going to be the first to land on the sun!" The Russian and the American look at eachother and chuckle then the Russian says to the blonde "Your joking right? You think that you can do that? You'll burn if you get anywhere near it!" The blonde starts laughing and says "HELLO!!! WE'RE GOING AT NIGHT!!!!"

???Hangover Rating System???

1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.


2 star hangover **

Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.


3 star hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.


4 star hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein

and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.


5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.

"Finally gonna get some........"

A college couple had been dating for about 6 months. One day in the cafeteria they are having lunch. After beating around the bush for a few minutes, the boyfriend expresses that he's interested in going "all the way". The girlfriend excalaims that she has been wanting to also but was unsure on how to address the issue. After several more minutes of small talk, the girlfriend says she is willing to finally consumate their relationship, but that the boyfriend must first meet her parents and bring protection. He agrees and accepts her invitation to dinner at her house that evening. The boyfriend proceeds directly to the pharmacy after his last class and walks directly to the condom aisle. Upon reaching said aisle, he is quickly overwhelmed by the seemingly endless variety and begins to scratch his head in indecision. Seeing this from behind the counter, the Pharmacist proceeds the boyfriends location and asks him of his quandry. After a moment of verbal stammering, he explains to the pharmicist that it's his first time buying condoms and he's not sure what kind to buy, but that he needs a lot of them as he and she are going to make a marathon night of it. The pharmicist chuckles, hands him a "bonus pack" of the most popular brand, and sends the boyfriend on his way. A few hours pass as the boyfriend feverishly prepares for the night he's hoping will make him into a man. Finally the moment of truth arrives as he arrives at his quarrys abode, with not a hair out of place and a bilfold full of condoms, he nervously rings the doorbell. After what seems a small eternity, his girlfriend answers the door and with a passionate kiss invites him throught the portal. He graciously accepts and enters to meet her parents waiting in the foyer. Gretting are extended before all are ushered into the formal dining room for the evening meal. Upon sitting down, the girlfriend invites her extremely nervous and uncomfortable boyfriend to say Grace before dinner is served. The boyfriend eagerly accepts and commences with the longest, most religious, heartfelt prayer in all of history. At the end of the prayer, the girlfriend exclaims "I had no idea you were so religious". The boyfriend sweating from his labor exlaims in turn "I had no idea your father was a pharmicist"!