Al Qaeda Recruiting Video
Al Qaeda Recruiting Video
Things only a Mother can Teach
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... then you'll see what it's like"
Why Cats Are Better Than Men
A CAT always hits the litterbox.
Better chance of training a CAT.
No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.
You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.
If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party.
A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... A man thinks he is.
If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.
Signs You Had Too Much of the 90's
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espresso's as "getting wasted."
You no longer own a real deck of cards because all your favorite card games [solitaire, spades, and hearts] are all played on your computer.
Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
Your friend's daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
A man approached his family physician and said,
"Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days."
The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed,
"Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?"
"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, haven't you?"
An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months
together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor.
The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going
to be a mother."
"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."
"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was
impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."
"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked
down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a
rage, she dialed her husband.
"Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.
She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"
There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's
Can't see, can't hear
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.
The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.
"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
Where have you been?
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty ****ed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and...
"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!"
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."
He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.
"A magic potion" she replies.
"Well what is it for?" he asks.
"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer."
At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.
After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.
"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"
"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."
"And how about your sex life?"
"Oh, not bad."
"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"
"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."
"And you call that not bad?"
"Not for a priest with a small parish."
Social Security Kind
Kathy and Suzy are having a conversation during there lunch break.
Kathy asks, "So, Suzy, how's your sex life these days?"
Suzy replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Kathy asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
The Mechanical Caddy
A man walks into a country club, and asks to play a round of golf. The man behind the counter suggests he try one of their brand new mechanical caddies. The guy had just gotten his paycheck, so he had money to burn, he figured "what the hell".
He took the caddy out and it was great, it would tell him what club to use, what was wrong with his swing, and what direction his putts would break and how much. The man gets done, and shoots the best round of his life.
A month later he comes back and asks for one of the caddies. The manager replies, "I'm sorry, but we had to get rid of them." The man a little confused asks, "Why did you get rid of them, they were great." The manager explained that they were made out of metal, so when the sun reflected off of them, it blinded the other golfers.
Still confused, the man adds, "Well, why didn't you just paint them black?"
The manager replies "Well, we tried that, but then 2 of them didn't show up for work, and the others robbed the clubhouse."
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
The scene: HEAVEN
The year: 2031
President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly
Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and
Leader of the Free World.
"Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.
"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.
"Sure," says the Saint, "but first you have to confess your sins. What bad
things have you done in your life?"
Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't
call it 'dope smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate
extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I
didn't have full 'sexual relations' and I made some statements that were
misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false
witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of
With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares,"OK,
here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it Hell.
You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you
enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just don't hold your breath
waiting for it to freeze over."