Here's a list of summer camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:
50 Fun Things To Do at Wal-Mart
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
TP as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Things you'll never hear
8 things you'll never hear a man say:
8) Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.
8 things you'll never hear a woman say :
8) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
1) Hey, pull my finger!
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
Outside a chemist in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.
The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"
Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."
Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."
Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!"
Egg in the Box
Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?'
He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.'
Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?' she asked. 'Every time I got a dozen, I sold it.'
A Father's Last Request
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
First Time Constestant
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host
could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was
shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
How was your game?
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."
Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
No Need to Run
The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto".
Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"
Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.
"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits.
I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night".
Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off.
Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a **** first!"
Jack or Jill
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work late.
The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
Two bored casino workers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars
on a single roll of the dice. She said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down, and hugged each of the dealers, picked up all the money and her clothes, and departed.
The dealers stared at each other -dumfounded. Finally one of them asked: "What did she roll?" The other guy answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all
men are men!