The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS
I am pleased to feed you bull****.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
The following exam was administered to gangsters as their version of the SAT, this version is known as the official GAT (Gangsta Aptitude Tess)...
1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet. You can buy:
A. A dime and two 40's
B. A new pair of Fila's
C. Dashikki down the block
D. Yo mama
2) It's tha end of da monf again and da man is on your jack for da rent. You:
A. Bust a cap in his ass
B. Say, "**** man, why you all up in ma bidness?"
C. Have anuther kid on welfare
D. Yo mama
3) You and ya holmes are banging down da block when yall scam da uther mo fo's commin your way. If ya both jaking your hydros, and both yall draw yur gats, which of da following happens:
A. **** goes down in da hood
B. Ya check yur colours and let the cop-killers fly
C. **** man, I do'no maff
D. Yo mama
4) You drink haff a 40. How much is left:
B. Da uther haff
C. Zum mo
D. Bout enuff to jak yo mama
5) You, beein da **** you are, dress yo self in da morn in which of deese:
A. Yo Tek 9 with da Raiders hat
B. Da AK47 with yo Fila's
6) Tiz yo 21st birfday. You:
A. Hook up with Dashikki down the block and treat her to MceeDees
B. Treat yo self to crack, ice cream, and 40's
C. Gaffle da man
D. I do'no maff
7) Wher iz da mutherland at:
D. Souff Centra
E. Yo mama
8) What am da capita of California?
A. Da Hood
9) Tek 9 : Gatt :
A. Yo mama : Dashikki
B. Fila's : Nike
C. Tu pac : Barry White
D. St. Ive's : Colt 45
10) Malt Liquor : Da Chronic :
A. Da Man : Da Systum
B. ReeRun : MC Hammer
C. Fat Albert : Shaft
D. Yo mama : Dashikki
NOW LOOKIE HERE FOO. I GOTS TO AXE YOU AN EXXAY QUEXTIUN: IN 25 WURDS MO O LESS, TELL UZ ME WHO AM DA MAN?
So dat we may give uh you yo cowrecked sco, sine yo tag here!
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
And you probably though this would be dirty
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
> > was a very good looking woman, and
> > determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
> > she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
> > for a ranch hand.
> > Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
> > thought long and hard about it, and when
> > no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it
> > be safer to have him around the house than
> > the drunk.
> > He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
> > lot about ranching. For weeks, the
> > two of them worked, and the ranch was going very well.
> > Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
> > a really good job and the ranch looks
> > great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired
> > readily agreed and went into town one
> > Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two
> > o'clock and no hired
> > hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow
> > sitting by the
> > fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
> > "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
> > Trembling, he did as she directed.
> > "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
> > "Now take off my socks." He did.
> > "Now take off my skirt." He did.
> > "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was
> > "Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down
> > off.
> > Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes
> > town again!"
from the year 2035...
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in
the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English
recognized as the California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United
States crops and livestock.
A baby is conceived naturally . . . Scientists
Authentic year-2000 "chad", sells at Sotheby's for
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Afghanistan,
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will
take at least ten more years before radioactivity
decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now
be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has
banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest
version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation
New federal law requires that all nail clippers,
screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by
Who the first person to look at a cow and say,"I'll think I'll squeeze these little dangly things here,and drink whatever comes out."....... Who was the first person to say,"See that chicken there.....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt?"..........Why do toasters have a setting that burns bread to a horrible char,which no decent human being would eat?.......Why is there a light in the fridge,but not in the freezer?......If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,why is there a song about him?......Can a hearse carrying a corpse,drive in the carpool lane?.......If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?........Why do people point to their wrist when asking what time it is,but not at their crotch when asking where the bathroom is?......Why does a doctor leave the room,when you are asked to get undressed,if they are going to look at you anyway?......Why does Goofy stand erect,and Pluto is on all fours?They are both dogs....What do you call male ballerinas?..... Can blind people see in their dreams? Do they dream??.......If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that crap from ACME,why didn't he just buy dinner?.......If quizzes are quizzical,what are tests?........If corn oil is made from corn,and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,what is baby oil made from?.......If electricity comes from electrons,does morality come from morons?.........Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?......Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?........Stop Singing and Read Some more......Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?.........Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the atmosphere,but call it a hemorroid when it's in your a$$?.........Did you ever notice when you blow in your dogs face, he gets mad at you,but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?.......Does pushing an elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?......ARE YOU WONDERING WHY I POSTED THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE?...........:banana:
Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether you use “la” or “le in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few of our recommendations...
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider … it gives a man pleasure. He'd be lost without it. Lastly while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't ***** to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all *****y every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Well it's been 29 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new
or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
Your age Used or New
1 - 12 Years (See note A)
13 - 16 Years New
17 - 21 Years Used, but not used up
22 - 35 Years Used, heavily
36 - 60 Years New, (See note B)
60+ (See note A)
A. Seek psychiatric help
B. Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be
old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the
other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems
worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than
average mileage (2.1 SO's / yr). Much greater than the average may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual
begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if
dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or
I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap
you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once
on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two
questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the
detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she
Ordering vs. On The Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU
questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed
at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding
the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product
according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each
category, variation is not statistically significant.
Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the
options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points
of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you
mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical
hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.
Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an
alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.
Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has
most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size
or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.
Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.
Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and
suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your
long-term girlfriend needs.
Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be
caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.
Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a
girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful
or unreliable, or have a dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!
Why God never received tenure at any university...
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork!! He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be sooooo cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee ).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...........well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING "WHAT'S WRONG?".....
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now
"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!!
Reasons you won't win the local annual Halloween costume contest...
After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.
Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.
The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.
"Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??"
Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at the Quayle house.
Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.
Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President's semen.
Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.
You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.
In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?
Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.
The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.
Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.
Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party - four times.
Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler" is stuck in the car door.
Your beret falls off every time you kneel.
Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check. Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer"? Check.
Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!
No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.
This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.
Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.
The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.
The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.
*Nobody* likes a farting clown.