-
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.
"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."
-
Jackson is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward Jackson. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterward, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. Jackson is amazed. Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Death Sentence
-
Cow pick up lines
-
Mouse
-
Office or Arcade
-
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell
sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are
you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and
one blonde...
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde...? Why kill a blonde... ?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See,
smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
__________________________________________________ ____________
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in "You know, I like construction workers...those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,
and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart,
no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."
-
Peeing Squirrel
-
It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.
Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "May I have the other 10 years?" The Monkey agreed.
The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man spoke up, "May I have your other ten years?" "Of course," said the Lion.
Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years, and he got them.
This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.
-
A rather bookish young man goes into a *****house to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."
The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."
So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his thing rises to a full 12 inches.
So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed. "Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."
But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."
-
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Africa and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.
The mother is so thrilled that she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."
Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."
"Oy, mazel tov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"
"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you." said the daughter. "What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.
The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy! Stupid! Idiot ... I said a RICH doctor!"
-
Car Phone
-
Golf Bet
-
What else is new
