How to get rid of unwanted phone calls.
Him: Hello, sir. I'm from <Major long distance carrier>. How would you like to save money off your long distance calling?
Me: If I told you that I was very happy with my current carrier, would that preclude any further conversation?
Him: Actually, no, sir. I have to hear a certain number of "no's" before I let you go.
Me: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Him: Have a nice day, sir. <Click>
man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing the tune of Dixie-Girl. The man thought that this was strange so he goes over to the bartender and asks where the man came from.
"Here," says the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, "rub this."
So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie.
"What do you wish for?" asks the genie.
"A million bucks," the man states, quite sure of himself.
"Granted." And the genie claps his hands and disappeared back into the lamp.
The man looks around, checks his wallet but can't find a million bucks anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar. Astounded the man says: "Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
"Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replied the bartender.
FW: Fossil submission
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
And he faced his mortality.....
I thought I would tell you about the closest I've ever come to strangling my husband.
We had only been engaged for a few weeks. We were walking into a convenience store when out came this blonde bombshell - bikini top, tiny shorts, absolutely gorgeous. As she jiggled past us, he took my hand. My heart swelled with pride and love - "even when he sees someone like that, he still thinks of me."
Then he leaned over and whispered, "You'd let me sleep with her, wouldn't you?"
A business man is packing for a trip. He glances in his briefcase, then calls to his wife.
"Yes, darling?" she replies.
"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."
"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"
"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for heaven's sake, give me more than ONE!"
Seeing Eye Chihuahua
Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" Man says, "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says "Well, OK, then I guess it can stay."
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says, "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a fews seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.
Bartender says, "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" Man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!"
Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
(from my colleague Tony, who received it from a colleague, who...)
Judge Ito's Bar and Grill
ROSE LOPEZ NACHOS.............$3.55
Spicy, with a thick Spanish Accent,Nachos
haven't been this good since.. I can't
SOUPS & SALADS
Aged for one year. May be bitter.
An Empty head of lettuce with very little
FROM THE BAR
PAULA BARBIERI COCKTAIL...$4.95
Cool, with a little honey on the side. Goes
down real easy.
MARCIA CLARK BEER............$2.85
We thought we had a case, but now we're not
SIMPSON ALIBI SANDWICH.......$3.95
Full of bologna and hard to swallow, but a lot
of people are buying it.
FROM THE GRILL
MARK FURMAN CHICKEN....$4.95
Absolutely NO dark meat!
DENNIS FUNG PLATE............$22.95
Grilled detective served open faced. May be
Sorry, our bakery is temporarily closed. The
lawyers have taken all the dough.
The Prodigal Son's Return
We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said, "Throwing wide his arms, the father said..." at which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered "YOU'RE GROUNDED
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
Damn near the Truth
In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:
Marines-heads will be shaved.
Army-flat-tops for all recruits.
Navy-no haircut standard.
Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.
Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch til 1300, train till 1600.
Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.
Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army-one hot meal, 2 MREs.
Navy-3 hot meals.
Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.
LEAVE and LIBERTY:
Army-4 hours a week.
Navy-2 days a week.
Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.
Marines-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. SGT Smith).
Army-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."
Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.
Marines-medals & badges are awarded for acts of gallantry & bravery.
Army-medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy-will have ships’ engineers make medals for them as needed.
Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.
Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to your sailors.
Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and gray service chevrons and name tapes on them. They will also get newly designed and personally tailored uniforms to replace the airline pilot coats they have now.
Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army-doesn’t matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.
Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.
Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.
I shared a beer in New Orleans with an active duty Marine sergeant assigned to one of the new SOG units. He had the chance to train with other international units, SAS, Israelis, ROK Marines, Rangers. He said none of them commanded his respect like the US Navy SEALs.
"We were a klick out from the shore in a Zodiac inflatable. Then this SEAL cuts the motor and says, 'Alright, everone out of the boat'. I just laughed", the Marine sergeant told me.
I interjected, "Oh, you think it's a joke!" The sergeant chuckled, "That's exactly what he said!"
"The next thing I know this big mutha' SEAL picks me up ABOVE his head and throws me out of the boat!" Considering there is not much leverage in a small Zodiac, that's alot of power.
"When I break the surface, I see all of my buddies in the water with me. We spent the next hour and a half practicing righting a capsized inflatable."
Training, training, training...
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Dont use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer...
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling"run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
came along,too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's
door of the BMW.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it
wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing? " asked the lawyer.
The cop replied ,"My God, man, don't you even realize that your left
arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!! ".
"My God! " screamed the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex?"
The College Food Chain
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Is occasionally addressed by God
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Talks to animals
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays russian roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself