I modified your story somewhat and turned it into a cartoon.
I modified your story somewhat and turned it into a cartoon.
tourist goes to the pole, and meets an Eskimo.
"During the summer you don't have any nights, and during the winter you don't have any days... What do you do during that endless summer day?" he asks.
"We go fishing, and make love to our women," the Eskimo replies.
The tourist thinks a while, and asks another question:
"Then, what do you do during that endless winter night?"
"We don't go fishing..."
Cricket match which is funnier than baseball
I am reminded of how this native went to his first cricket match and described it to his witchdoctor after he got back. I heard it when I was in college and have no idea where it originated.
He said, ``It was a beautiful sunny Sunday. A big crowd of people gathered around this giant grass field with a thin strip of mowed and flattened pitch in the middle. There were three sticks at either end of the strip. A man in a long overcoat came out with two men in sweaters and he tossed a coin in to the air. They went out and out came eleven men in sweaters and white pants. One of them was padded and had big gloves. Then out came two men with pads on their legs and small gloves holding big sticks. They took positions at either end of the strip and one of the other men came running towards the wickets and threw this ball at the person holding the stick. And lo and behold it started to pour.
``White man sure knows how to make rain.''
The hair o' the dog . . .
Apparently this woman's miniature schnauzer had an infection in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the hair with a depilatory cream. The women went to a drug store and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an appropriate product. He went on about how some were better for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for removing facial hair. He then said, "May I ask where you intend to use this?"
She replied "Well, it's for my schnauzer."
He said, "OK, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks."
There were these two dogs...
There were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
"What are you here for?" he asks.
"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off."
"I don't blame you. So, what are you here for?"
"Erm... well... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going to be... you know... I'm going to have the operation..."
"Oh dear. I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
"Go on, tell me. Please..."
"OK. Well, it's like this. The ***** next door was in heat, and so I was feeling... you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't resist it!" admitted the dog.
"Oh, so you're here for the operation too, then."
"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
99 Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early
. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies--she's much
better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who
came to see her when she thought she was dying.
6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was
the only time they would come.
7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the
only time they would come.
8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards
on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about
whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to
10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the
ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half
an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.
12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half
an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems
13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My truss snapped.
17. My support hose popped.
18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19. I'm arranging financing for a house.
20. I'm arranging financing for a car.
21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the
only time they could deliver it.
23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this
was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think
this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse
that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate,
it's extremely effective.)
25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
28. My back aches.
29. My stomach aches.
30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover,"
especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
31. My biological clock is ticking.
32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish
are getting freezer burn.
35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running.
The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.
39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
42. I think I left the iron on.
43. I think I left the water on.
44. I think I left the refrigerator on.
45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
48. I have to have my waistband let out.
49. I have to have my watchband let out.
50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.
51. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
I won't be able to work afterwards.
52. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
I won't be able to work afterwards.
53. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or
two so I won't be able to work afterwards.
54. I'm having a root canal.
55. I'm having a tax audit.
56. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that
beating a dead horse?)
57. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
58. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than
$100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
59. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home.
60. I have to renew my driver's license.
61. I have to get new license plates.
62. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty
bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny
problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN
I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new
63. I've got an urgent session with my therapist.
64. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist.
65. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE
66. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
67. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
68. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
69. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
70. My rheumatism is acting up; there's going to be a terrible tornado.
71. My arthritis is acting up; there's going to be a terrible blizzard.
72. The pharaoh is acting up; there's going to be a terrible rain of
73. I need to give blood.
74. I need to give evidence.
75. I need to give up.
76. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party.
77. I'm going to my best friend's wedding.
78. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't
last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
79. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
80. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm
going to be arrested.
81. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
82. I'm having my nails done.
83. I'm having my colors done.
84. I'm having my head examined.
85. I'm going to the bank.
86. I'm going to sleep.
87. I'm going over the edge.
88. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
89. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
90. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
91. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
92. I need to check into a rest home
93. I'm breaking in my shoes.
94. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.
95. I'm breaking out.
96. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
97. I have to pick out a car.
98. I have to pick on my kids.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on
Christian fundamentalists. I thought I'd go to a ball game instead.
The Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who thirst justice.
Blessed are you when persecuted.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven...
Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And James said, "Will we have a test on it?"
And Phillip said, "What if we don't know it?"
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Matthew said, "When do we get out of here?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with the real life?"
Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' Lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain... and Jesus wept.
Collection of cute sayings.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A king's castle is his home.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
Brain--the apparatus with which we think that we think.
BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying "slow down."
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon.
Drive defensively--buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail friends.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Familiarity breeds children.
God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself--historians merely repeat each other.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein
It works better if you plug it in.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury--Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
KODACLONE - duplicating film.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Life's a *****, then you die.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.
QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The road to to success is always under construction.
Those who can't write, write help files.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When in doubt, don't bother.
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol.
YTERM - A terminal program for queries.
When in doubt, ignore it.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
Like ships in the night
It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that they will tend to overdramatise the affair.
We had just picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from changing the 'G' flag for the 'H' and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty rolling the 'G' flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him to "let go," the lad although willing is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.
At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the "let go" to the third officer on the fo'cstle. The port anchor having been cleared away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the "pipe" while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out "by the roots." I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans the tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.
After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there was a film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report.
Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems.
At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing spring down onto the tug.
The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in under the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was answering my double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of that vessel.
It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.
It never fails to amaze me the actions and behaviour of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records.
The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my crew.
I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will enable us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the #1 hold.
I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.
For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty numbers T/750101 to T750119 inclusive.
Regarding the story about the Kraft marshmallow dispenser:
David Letterman does a sketch entitled "Supermarket finds," where his staff collects supermarket products and makes fun of them. Recently, he displayed Kraft Marshmallows and their claim about being
"The official marshmallow of the Starship U.S.S. Enterprise.(TM)"
And he then remarked, "Funny, I thought that was William Shatner's job."
Last night, while grocery shopping, I found a rather unusual item on the shelves. After filling my basket with Stouffer's Yuppie Chow, I strolled down the cereal aisle, where I saw several boxes of a substance labeled "Nintendo Cereal System." I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all, cartoon characters have been "endorsing" cereals for years, so why shouldn't Super Mario Brothers get into the act?
I see tremendous potential here. What better way for an organization with a sociopolitical agenda to infiltrate the minds and stomachs of Americans than to deliver its message at the breakfast table? I have seen the future of public relations, and it is the gastronomic equivalent of a "sound bite." I, for one, would rather sit down to a bowl of whale-shaped granola than receive another one of those envelopes from Greenpeace marked, "Animal Rights Survey Inside--Please Complete and Return Within Ten Days."
Not surprisingly, I have a few ideas:
Golden Graham- |The key to a balanced diet. Need I say more?
Special KKK |Even white supremacists need their minimum daily
|requirement of riboflavin. Try it with some grits.
Sugar Frosted |The pro-choice cereal. Stays crunchy in milk (or
Fetuses |saline solution). Anti-abortionists will have to
|make do with a box of Life.
Mothers Against |Send in three proof-of-purchase seals and
Drunk Driving Oats |receive a free breathalyzer.
Rifle Krispies |Specially marked boxes contain armor-piercing
|bullets. Cereal doesn't kill people. People
Rocky Tobacco Road |Brought to you by the tobacco industry, this is
|the only cereal that simultaneously satisfies your
|cravings for chocolate and nicotine, so light up
|a bowl for breakfast. Also available in menthol.
Khokhomeini Puffs |Some third world marketeer could capitalize on this
|idea in the aftermath of the demise of everyone's
|favorite mullah. Woe be to the infidels who fail
|to start their day with a bowl of little chocolate
|ayatollahs! Free "Death to America" decal inside!
A Paratrooper's First Jump
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
Subject: A VERY BAD DAY
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that,
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open
the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the
door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.
Some things, sometimes, seem to fall off by themselves.
I'm falling apart but, luckily, nothing has fallen off.
The perfect solution for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has been
Since the Palestinians want a homeland, but no one wants to chop Israel up into even smaller pieces than it already is, let's let the Palestinians have France!
The French have already stated that nothing is worth fighting for.
Besides, France has better irrigation and soil than the West Bank and Gaza strip.
Its the perfect solution. The French won't even fight back.
And how about a new name for this Franco-Palestine? How about
Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with France.