Chuckles of the Day...

I owe, I owe

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

Little Johnnie

This is a story about Johnnie's day at school....Johnnie's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard."

Johnnie raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I know it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnnie, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think."

Next the teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnnie's teacher.

Johnnie raised his hand again and said, "Teacher, teacher, I know it's an orange rubber ball." The teacher looked at Johnnie and said, "No Johnnie, it's an orange, but I like the way that you think."

Johnnie was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnnie grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, "I have something behind my back. It's pink in color and it's LONG. It's soft, but it's HARD."

The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnnie, "Now Johnnie, I'm going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior." Johnnie stopped her and said, "But, teacher all I have is my pink eraser, but I like the way that you THINK!!!"

Shortages

Interviewer asks in America: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Shortage?' What's a 'shortage?'"

Interviewer asks in Poland: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Meat?' What's 'meat?'"

Interviewer asks in Russia: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?

And the reply is... " 'Opinion?' What's an 'opinion?'"

Interviewer asks in Israel: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Excuse me?' What's 'excuse me?'"

The Best Hotels

Time: late 1940's

Place: New York

There were these two elderly Jewish gentlemen visiting the Big Apple when they decided it was getting late and they needed to find a room for the night. As they passed one hotel, one man says to the other, "Why don't we try this one?" The other says, "Are you crazy? It says on the sign that this is a restricted hotel. You know what that means? It means they don't let Jews in!" To which the first man replies, "Restricted, reschmicted. Let's go in and have a little fun. Just let me do all the talking."

So the two men enter and approach the desk clerk.

Man: (in thick Yiddish accent) We want a room!

Clerk: (Flustered. With a "Connecticut clench") I'm sorry, but this is a RESTRICTED hotel. We do NOT allow Jewish people to stay here.

Man: What makes you think I'm Jewish? I'm just as Christian as you are! Come on, ask me a Christion question!

The clerk decides to amuse him.

Clerk: OK. OK. Where was Jesus born?

Man: Such a question! Everybody knows that Jesus was born in a stable. Come on, ask me another Christian question!

Clerk: (Impatient) Look. I know you are Jewish and you are not staying here!

Man: Come on, ask me a question. Ask me, "What for was Jesus born in a stable!"

Clerk: (visibly angry) All right! Why was Jesus born in a stable!?

Man: Because a schmuck like you wouldn't give his mother a room either!

Hippies

Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in a cast. The first hippie asked "Sister, how did you break you leg?" "I slipped in the bathtub." The second hippie asked the first "What's a bathtub?" "How should I know, I'm not Catholic!"

Revenge


A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. (Sounds familiar, right?) So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his John Thomas in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?"

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye:

"Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Keeping Score


There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local *****house and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the *****house, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.

The white guy energetically balls his ***** and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a " | " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the ***** again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another ``|'' on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims,

"A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"

An international conference and a Country Club


There was an international conference and a luncheon following at the U.N.

The G.B. representative started to offer a toast:

To the women of the Eastern Hemisphere!

The Chinese representative then followed:

To the women of the Western Hemisphere!

The Italian representative thought for a moment, and then said:

To the two hemispheres of women!

Management training
>
> I think I've worked for some of the management teams he's talking
about.
>
>
> Subject: Management Training
>
>
> An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket
of
> buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee.
The
> waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall
> mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up
the
> bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun,
> then just walks out.
>
> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
and
> a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says
to
> the waiter, "Me want coffee. The waiter says , "Whoa, Tonto. We're
still
> cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck
> was all that about, anyway?"
>
> "Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee,
> shoot the ****, and disappear for rest of the day".
>

A Cowboy’s Last Prayer

Jake, The Rancher, Went One Day To Fix A Distant Fence. The Wind
Was Cold And Gusty And The Clouds Rolled Gray And Dense.

As He Pounded The Last Staples In And Gathered Tools To Go, The
Temperature Had Fallen, The Wind And Snow Began To Blow.

When He Finally Reached His Pickup, He Felt A Heavy Heart. From
The Sound Of That Ignition, He Knew It Wouldn’t Start.

So Jake Did What Most Of Us Would Do If We Had Been In Trouble
There. He Humbly Bowed His Balding Head And Sent Aloft A Prayer.

As He Turned The Key For The Last Time, He Softly Cursed His Luck.
They Found Him Three Days Later, Frozen Stiff In That Old Truck.

Now Jake Had Been Around In Life And Done His Share Of Roaming.
But Once In Heaven, He Was Shocked-- -- It Looked Just Like Wyoming!

Of All The Saints In Heaven, Jake’s Favorite Was St. Peter. (Now,
This Here Line Ain’t Needed But It Helps With Rhyme And Meter.)

So They Set And Talked A Minute Or Two, Or Maybe It Was Three.
Nobody Was Keepin’ Score—You See up there In Heaven Time Is always Free.

“I’ve Always Heard,” Jake Said To Pete, “That God Will Answer
Prayer, But This One Time I Asked For Help, Well, He Just Plain Wasn’t There.”

Does God Answer Prayers Of Some, And Ignore The Prayers Of
Others? That Don’t Seem Exactly Square -- -- I Know All Men Are Brothers.”

“Or Does He Randomly Reply, Without Good Rhyme Or Reason?
Maybe, It’s The Time Of Day, The Weather Or The Season.”

“Now I Ain’t Trying To Act Real Smart, It’s Just The Way I Feel. And I
Was Wondering’, Could You Tell Me -- -- Just What The Heck’s The Deal?!”
Peter Listened Patiently And When Jake’s Tale Was Done, There

Were Smiles Of Recognition, And He Said, “So, You’re The One!!”
“That Day Your Truck, It Wouldn’t Start, And You Sent Your Prayer A
Flying? You Gave Us All A Real Hard Time, With Hundreds Of Us Trying.”

“A Thousand Angels Rushed, To Check The Status Of Your File, But
You Know, Jake, We Hadn’t Heard From You In Quite A Long, Long While.”

“And Though All Prayers Are Answered, And God Ain’t Got No
Quota, He Didn’t Recognize Your Voice; He Started A Truck In NorthDakota.”

"It’s Best To Keep In Touch"

Author unknown.

GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and asked, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's elderly minister.

The minister said kindly, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"

The Royal Outing

Her Majesty, the Queen, and Her Royal Highness, Princess Diana, were out for a drive in the country. Suddenly, upon a quiet road, they were set upon and stopped by a highwayman. He forced them out of the car at gunpoint, and demanded their jewels.

"Give me your tiara, Ma'am," demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry," replied the Queen. "I did not wear my tiara today."

"Well then, give me your ring, your highness!" demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't wear my ring today," replied the Princess.

Frustrated, the robber waved them away, and drove off with the Bentley, getting at least something for his efforts. The Queen, Princess and their chauffeur made it back to Windsor castle, where they related their ordeal to the Queen Mother.

After the Queen Mother received an account of the robbery she turned to Queen Elizabeth and asked, "I thought that you wore your tiara today?"

"But I did. When I saw the robber pull us over, I hid the tiara in my private place."

The Queen Mother turned towards Diana and said, "And you - I thought you wore your ring today?"

"I did, but like Momsie, I hid the ring in my private place."

At this point the chauffeur interjected, "It's a shame, Ma'am, that Princess Margaret wasn't wi' us. We could have saved the Bentley!"

Busy night in the garden

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatos won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and she's getting tired of it.

So she goes to her neighbor and says, ``Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?''

Her neighbor replies, ``Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatos can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.''

Well, what the heck? She does it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

``So-so,'' she answers. ``The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''

French in vogue...

A newly wed couple arranged to spend their honeymoon in a basement apartment they had rented in Paris. It was a gorgeous Spring day when they arrived and they took the opportunity to exercise their new marital privileges.

The three French boys walked by the open window and looked in -

Three year old: Oh looook, they are fighting...

Four year old: They are not fighting, they are mekking laaave...

Five year old: Oui! VERY poorly too!

A humourous anecdote from soc.men

The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter. The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in boxes marked 'medium.'"