Democrats set to move Obama's big speech from 74,000-seater Too a two seater in the woods
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Democrats set to move Obama's big speech from 74,000-seater Too a two seater in the woods
)
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi..._Goat_Peak.jpg
I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in,
stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says, "No. Why you ask me that? Is it because I Chinese?"
"No", I replied. "It's because you're drinking my beer, and I'm about to kick your ass."
The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up.
It was Johnny's turn.
Jonny: I wanna be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. Find a Bi#th there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas. Get her a Ferrari. Buy her a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, get her expensive jewelery and have sex with her 3 times a day.
The teacher was lost of words and didn't know what to do. She just proceeded along and asked Marie what she wanted to be. Marie replied:
"Without a doubt ma'am, I ’ d like to be Johnny's Bi#th !!"
:thumbup:
Subject: John Hinckley's Release
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
- 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
- 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
- Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
- 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
- Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
- 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
- Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
- Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
- 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
- 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
- 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
- 365 bicycles = 1 unicycle
- 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
- 10 cards = 1 decacard
- 52 cards = 1 deckacards
- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
- 1000 cc's of wet socks = 1 literhosen
- 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
- 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
- 10 rations = 1 decaration
- 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
- 2 monograms = 1 diagram
- 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
- 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = One I.V. League
All about useless, right?
The 2012 Presidential election was too close to call. Neither Mitt Romney nor Obama had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin.
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.
At the end of the first day, Mitt Romney returned to the starting line, and he had 10 fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having a bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day Mitt came in with 20 fish, and Obama came in again with none.
That evening the Democrats got together secretly with Obama and said, "We think that Mitt Romney is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. Tomorrow don't bother fishing. Just spy on him, and see just how he is cheating.'
The next night (after Mitt returns with 50 fish), the Democrats got together for the report of how the Republicans were cheating.
Obama said, "You are not going to believe this ... he's cutting holes in the ice."
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
HEALTH MESSAGE
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!
1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 8 months.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise??I don't think so.
I'm retired.Go around me.
Good one!
Big brother grabbed little brothers hand and led him to their parents bedroom door. Big brother tells the litle one to look through the key hole. He did and jumped back, looking at his brother. Big brother says, I don't need to remind you, this is the same woman who whipped your ass yesterday for sucking your thumb!