I have a dream!
I have a dream!
Barack and Michelle Obama are at the O's game.
Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them,
one of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President.
Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and
shakes his head "no" violently.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from
the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"
So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and
throws her right over the wall into the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild,
cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says,
"You were right, I would have never believed that!"
Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"
Stop if you've heard this one....
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, dummy.
Buttercups & Golf Balls
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . .. .POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOF! . . . she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the Pssy Willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
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Another version, is A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a Methodist Minister all go fishing out in the lake. They have a nice little row boat and have been fishing for over 3 hours. The Catholic priest says " I have to take a pee", he steps out of the boat, non-chalantly, and calmly walks to the shore, takes a pee, and walks back to the boat, climbs in and quietly resumes fishing. 15 minutes later, The Methodist Minister says "I have to take a pee" he steps out of the boat, non-chalantly, and calmly walks to the shore, takes a pee, and walks back to the boat, climbs in and quietly resumes fishing. 15 minutes later the Rabbi, not wanting to be out done, says "I have to take a pee", steps out of the boat, and almost drowns, they pull him in and he sets there for a couple of minutes, catching his breath. Then says " I have to pee", steps out of the boat into 50 feet of water and almost drowns, as they pull the Rabbi back into the boat, The minister says to the priest "You think we should tell him where the rocks are?"
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, "Do you have vagina?"
"Yes," she says.
The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?"
good one, JP!
oops thats not going to work.
FORGOT MY GLASSES..
Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a
She said "Are you nuts?
You're almost 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
I signed up for five jumps a week!
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that guy, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
A man goes into Waterstone's bookshop and asks the young lady assistant.
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said, "That's the one, I'll take a copy."
THE BUS AND THE ZIPPER
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a man from Texas who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man just smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELES
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongingsinto boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day,
she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back withhis new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought into set off gas canisters, during which time
the two had to move out for afew days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit..
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was,
he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth .... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .......
... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?