MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR
Not all Democrats fit into that character you just laid out. Still alot of us old working class jarheads out there.
Allegedly attributed to the Marine mentioned. "He" apparently served in the 11th Engineer Bn, 3rd Marine Division.
Military Quote Of The Day
"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional.
I'm Glad I am out before Obama makes it mandatory."
Sgt CHARLES LUHAN JR, USMC
Marines, Often Tested, Always Faithful, Brothers Forever.
TALES FROM OTTOLAND
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8 Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you..
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. ( I'VE DONE THIS )
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words..
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. (DONE THIS TOO)
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11.. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n.. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Dear Fellow Sportsman:
Donít try this at home, and donít look for me in any of these videos.
Watch this video! Incredible.
Some of these are great some of them are INSANE !
THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
Dedicated to all the Hunters out there.
This is very good !!!!!
SSSSSHHHH A bear is coming
This would take some guts to sit there and let this bear get as close as he did.
The joys of deer hunting from a tree stand.
If confronted by a bear, just be cool and ask the bear a question.
And, oh yes, it helps to have a 12 gauge shotgun across your lap.
A tale of the Round Table
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first..
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night , in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
As we move into these last days after Christmas this year - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I canít touch any womanís purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I canít have a drink in a bar because Iíll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I canít eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I canít use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesnít crawl in my back seat when Iím filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ĎUnder Godí on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
THANKS TO YOU I canít use anyoneís toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites me.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I canít ever pick up a Penny dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting to grab me as I bend down to pick it up.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I canít do any gardening because Iím afraid Iíll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you donít send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighborís ex-mother-in-lawís second husbandís cousin's best friendís beautician . . .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Donít bother taking it off now, itís too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. [I really don't have a problem with this, my teeth have been in a drawer for around 20 yeas now]
THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL!...................
I found out today in group at the va that Ellen Degeneres has been dead for two weeks ,the shows on tv the last two weeks are repeats,,,,,they found her face down in Ricki lake .:p
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When his son refused to get a job,
his father insisted he join the U.S. Marine Corps
At the physical, the Doctor directed
the reluctant recruit to read the eye
chart across the room.
''What chart doc? 'The young man asked.
'The one on the wall! 'The doctor said.
'What wall?' said the young man.
Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, and
wanting to fill the quota, the
doctor asked his nurse to strip down and
walk into the exam room naked.
'Now what do you see son?'
Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm as blind as a bat.
'Well, you may not see
anything,' the doctor said, but your dick is pointing straight toward Parris Island South Carolina
to the U.S. Marine Corps'
UNIVERSAL LAWS .......
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible location.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
The only 3 things you need to know to become a plumber.
1 shet rolls downhill.
2 Payday is on Friday.
3 Never lick your fingers.
I hear that in the late 1800’s the muslims invented the condom by using the lower intestine of a goat. I also hear that the British later improved on the design by actually removing it from the goat before use
Texas Bank Robber
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load
a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer
grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked
around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at
him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor
in silence. The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and
while keeping his head down said,
'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.....
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas.
'Since Christmas Day is to celebrate Jesus's birth, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Christmas card to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Christmas card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Christmas cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard!'
'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the mother ****er.'
After a long night of making love, The guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's bedside nightstand and begins to worry.
He nervously asks, 'Is this your husband?'
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' He continues.
'No, not at all,' She says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' He inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' He demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...
Sorry for the double post, but the edit ticker expired on my last post.