I FOUND AN OLD
PICTURE OF ME AND
MY BABYSITTER ....
I MISS HER A LOT!
I FOUND AN OLD
PICTURE OF ME AND
MY BABYSITTER ....
I MISS HER A LOT!
WHY SOME KIDS KILL THIER PARENTS
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, he noticed a guy leaning against a wall. (The room was full of workers and the new CEO wanted to let them know that he meant business.) So he asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Quickie in the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head.'
----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
stupid question, excellent response!
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radiocastwent silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop , so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a great day!
<HR style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #000000; COLOR: #000000" SIZE=1>The North has Bloomingdale's; the South has Dollar General .
The North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses .
The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .
North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.
The North has green salads; the South has collard greens .
The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish .
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .....
In the South : If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive
Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .
Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners...
After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.
I Borrowed this from a friend.. It's that good
Toyota problems solved
<HR style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #000000; COLOR: #000000" SIZE=1>http://i704.photobucket.com/albums/ww47/gator10/cow.jpg
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America .
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, the disaster was clear.
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk
left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but
could find no remains of anyone, including the President.
They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away
as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did."
The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered.
"I done buried them all myself.
Took me most of the morning.."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't ...
but you know what a liar he is."
ONLY IN TEXAS!
Here's a picture of the new world record whitetail. It was taken by the cousinof a co-worker's sister's, uncle's, best friend's, son-in-law's cousin that is legally blind. Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by Boone & Crocket standard and was shot in West Texas on a really windy day around a curve with a bow. Supposedly, this deer had killed a Brahma bull, two Land Rovers and six Jehovah's Witnesses in the last two weeks alone.They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it wasshot with the bow.
Copy pasting directly from your e-mail has became a trend.
Save the picture to your hard drive.
Upload it to photobucket
Use the URL provided by photobucket to publish it here.
Linking to your e-mail does not work unless you want to give us your user name and password.
Hope this works.
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Ole & Lena's Honeymoon
Ole, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , takes a
lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he
could manage, he took himself to the doctor . He said
'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a virgin - in every
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy
in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should
be okay next week.. He took four tongue depressors and
formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all
together . ..quite an impressive work of art.
Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go
on their honeymoon to Duluth ...
That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said,
'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen
Ole immediately drops his pants and replies,
'Look at dis, ....still in da CRATE! [/FONT]
A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.
Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”
Indian: “Dog don’t talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” (pointing at the Indian)
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing to the Indian)
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements.”
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Indian: “Sheep lie.”