Chuckles of the Day...

> After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the
> mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that
> need repair or correction.
> The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the
> mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on
the
> lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot
reviews
> the gripe sheets before the next flight.
> Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
> humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems,
> as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance
> engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never
had
> an accident.
> > P = The problem logged by the pilot.
> > S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
>
> > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> > P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
> > S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> > P: Something loose in cockpit.
> > S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> > P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> > S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
> > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> > S: Evidence removed.
>
> > P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> > S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> > S: That's what they're there for.
>
> > P: IFF inoperative.
> > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> > P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> > S: Suspect you're right.
>
> > P: Number 3 engine missing.
> > S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> > P: Aircraft handles funny.
> > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> > P: Target radar hums.
> > S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

A stock broker, on his way home from work in NY
> > > > City, came to a dead
> > > > halting traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this
> > > > traffic seems worse than
> > > > usual.
> > > >
> > > > Nothing's even moving."
> > > >
> > > > He notices a police officer walking back and forth
> > > > between the lines of
> > > > cars, so he rolls down his window and asks,
> > > > "Officer what's the hold
> > > > up?"
> > > >
> > > > The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is just so
> > > > depressed about all
> > > > the New Yorkers making her the butt of so many
> > > > jokes, she stopped her
> > > > motorcade in the middle of the freeway and she's
> > > > threatening to douse
> > > > herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She
> > > > says her husband is
> > > > running around on her more than ever and the
> > > > Democrats told her to
> > > > forget about the presidency in 2004. So we're
> > > > taking up a collection for
> > > > her."
> > > >
> > > > The broker asks "Oh really? How much have you got so
> > > > far?"
> > > >
> > > > The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot
> > > > of folks are still
> > > > siphoning."
> > > >

woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with
>a fly swatter.
>
>"What are you doing?" She asked.
>
>"Hunting Flies" He responded.
>
>"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
>
>"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
>
>
>Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
>
>He responded,"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Top bumper stickers you would like to see:
> >
> > . Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you are an *******.
> >
> >
> >* Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
> >
> >
> >* The proctologist called... they found your head.
> >
> >
> >* Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any
film.
> >
> >
> >
> >* Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.
> >
> >
> >* Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
> >
> >
> >* I used to have a handle on life... but it broke off.
> >
> >
> >* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
> >
> >
> >* Guys... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be
one.
> >
> >
> >* Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people
> >"Everybody But Me."
> >
> >
> >* Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
> >
> >
> >* Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
> >
> >
> >* If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
> >
> >
> >* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
> >
> >
> >* Try not to let your mind wander... It is too small and fragile to
be
> >out by itself.
> >
> >
> >* Hang up and drive!!
> >

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
> > >The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and
hands
> > >him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the
menu.
Just
> > >bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and
order
> > >from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish
> > >pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's
table
and
> > >hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes
in a
> > >deep breath. "Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed
> > >potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks
towards
> > >the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells
her
> > >what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
> > >
> > >Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings
> > >him a menu again. "Sir, remember? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry,
I
> > >didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner
again
> > >retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After
another
> > >deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the
> > >macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in
> > >disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with
him
> > >and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's
going
> > >to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
> > >
> > >He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him
coming
> > >and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Amy, rub this fork on
your
> > >panties before I take it to the blind man." Amy complies and hands
her
> > >husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down,
the
> > >owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I
remembered
> > >you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts
the
> > >fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
> > >
> > >"Hey! I didn't know that Amy worked here!"
> > >
> > >
> > >Today is a wonderful New Day! Enjoy it !

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
> > > > not saying a
> > > > word.
> > > > An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
> > > > neither of them wanted
> > > > to concede their position.
> > > > As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and
> > > > pigs, the husband
> > > > asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
> > > > "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
> > > >

vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the
oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out
of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas
station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream
and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to
eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the
engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."

DEFINITIONS ACCORDING TO GENDER
------------------------------------------------
1: THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. Female: Any part under a car's hood.
b. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. Male: Playing football without a jockstrap.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
a. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's partner.
b. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking
off for a weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
b. male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
home run or goal. Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out
with one's girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement
and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple
can achieve.
b. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we
end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels
every 2 minutes.

WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK
------------------------------------------------
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I
need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on
the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

Equipment Specialist / Logistics Support
ASC/LUU SOF Support Center


We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. Please note
.... these are all numbered ! "1" ON PURPOSE!

# 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving
it down.

# 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live
with it.

# 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.

# 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never
going to think of it that way.

# 1. Crying is blackmail.

# 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not
work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We'll
get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!

# 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and
anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently
beforehand.

# 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes
you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out
of thirty, would ! look good with your dress?

# 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question. Please pick one.

# 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.

# 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

# 1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car
engine as soon as you hear it.

# 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in
an argument. In fact, all comments become null and
void after 7 days.

# 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us act like soap opera guys.

# 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.

# 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.

# 1. Whenever possible, please say w! hatever you have
to say during commercials.

# 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.

# 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out. Get over it.
And quit whining to your girlfriends.

# 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin
is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

# 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

# 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our
lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how
little we care about you.

#1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.

# 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer
to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

# 1. When we have to go somewhe! re, absolutely anything
you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!

# 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to
take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which
quiz.

# 1. Nascar is as exciting for us as handbags are for
you.

# 1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape

# 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have
to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we
really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Subject: Iraq

SEC.STATE Colin Powell was recently approached by an Iraqi news-paper reporter and accusingly asked, "Isn't it true that only 13 percent of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?"

Secretary Powell stopped, turned, and stated "Yes, it's true. But, unfortunately for you, all 13 percent are United States Marines."

1. Joined the Army Reserve and National Guard to get the college money.

2. Took jobs in defense industry because while they couldn't read a map, they could still pack munitions and supplies for the war effort.

3. Went to college to become architects, engineers and builders to develop the vacant desert and lands between Iran and Syria.

etc........

Sec. of State Powell later told American press members:

"Yeah, well, only 5 percent of Iraqi students know what a map is!"

The sky was dark, the moon was high all alone just her and I. Her hair so soft, her eyes so blue, I knew just what she wanted to do.Her skin so warm, her hair so fine, I ran my fingers down her spine. I didn't know how but I tried my best, I placed my hand upon her breast. I remember my fear, my fast beating heart, then slowly she spread her legs apart. As I did it, I felt no shame, then all at once the white stuff came. At last I was finished, it's all over now, this was my first time...milking a cow!

What were ou thinking!!!
I hope I made somebody laugh!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
> > > > devoted wife.
> > > > She was a very good looking woman, and determined to
> > > > keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
> > > > so she
> > > > decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch
> > > > hand.
> > > > Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the
> > > > other a drunk.
> > > > She thought long and hard about it, and when no one
> > > > else
> > > > applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring
> > > > it would be safer to
> > > > have him around the house than the drunk.
> > > >
> > > > He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
> > > > every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,
> > > > the two of them
> > > > worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
> > > > Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired
> > > > hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch
> > > > looks great.
> > > > You should go into town and kick up your heels." The
> > > > hired hand readily
> > > > agreed
> > > > and went into town one Saturday night. However, one
> > > > o'clock came and
> > > > he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He
> > > > returned around
> > > > two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by
> > > > the fireplace.
> > > >
> > > > She quietly called him over to her.
> > > >
> > > > "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
> > > > Trembling, he did as she directed.
> > > >
> > > > "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
> > > >
> > > > "Now take off my socks." He did.
> > > >
> > > > "Now take off my skirt." He did.
> > > >
> > > > "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he
> > > > did as he was told.
> > > >
> > > > " Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly
> > > > pulled them down and
> > > > off.
> > > >
> > > > Then she looked at him and said.......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll
> > > > fire you on the spot ! "

A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten
up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the
woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened
the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking
and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But
now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags,
those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess that explains the
goatee."