A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!" Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet.
Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?� I said, `No, sir.
I�m too scared.� So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took
his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around
as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I�m sticking this little baby up your ass.�" "So, did you jump?"
asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first.
The Navy Invented Sex
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.
After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'
The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'
The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'
The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'
> A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest
> > Airlines from Dallas , TX to Chicago . The little boy (who had
> > looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big
> > have baby dogs,and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
> > have baby airplanes?'
> > The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told
> > her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went
> > down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.
> > The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and
> > 'Did your Mom tell you to ask
> > me?' The boy said, 'yes she did.'
> > 'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby
> > airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your
> > explain that to you.'
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were
flying to a debate.
Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out
of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the
window and make 156 million people very happy."
It's barely dawn and the telephone rings: 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylormade Super Quad 460 golf club.'
SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . .
LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s**t!'
A husband and wife went in for counseling after 47 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 47 years
they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
When to start cussing...
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time
we started cussing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6
year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old
agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6
year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I
guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his
mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks
him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old
and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
ma n?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the
ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the ****ing wall!"
I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.
Obviously, I can't afford her but thought it would
be a cheap night for you.
hot and cold sex
After his exam the
doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do
any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex
with my wife I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex
the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that
like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an
unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after
with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
k now why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because
the first time is usually in January and the second time is in
The Herc and the F-15s
A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.
After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.
"Just watch," comes the quick retort.
And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..
After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"
And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."
Q: How do you know if there is an Air Force pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between an Air Force pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.
Q: How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One...he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q: How do you bury a fighter pilot?
A: You give him an enema and bury what’s left in a shoe box.
The Three Pilots
Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.
The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."
The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."
The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them.
“My Wife . . . .”
A Navy Chief and an Air Force General were getting shave sin a barbershop.
As the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces, the General
shouts, "Hey, don't put that crap on me! My wife will think I've been in a *****house!" Whereupon the Chief turns to his barber and says, "Go ahead and put it on me, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like."
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him.
Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided
to come to Mass, what made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really,
really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn
comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during
Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments,
I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves
on a bar stool.
One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined
at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft
The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, boys?"
"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every
year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"
"Ah, England, "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country... the
history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British cr*p," says Joe. "Hamburgers &
Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and
"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.
Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."