John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was a total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"”
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with gl ee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Old men can still think fast.
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly the blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this", and off she goes downstairs.
She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
The blonde says "I've put the dog in our yard. Now we`ll see how they like it !"
This is good.
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making
her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As
luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned
out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann
was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked
back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,
Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with
gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it
starts, I'm turning Catholic."
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on
the phone. "Like heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. I'll take
care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are
NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, Do you hear me?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.....
"They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way." :beer:
A cowboy, who moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Thank God it hasn't affected my brothers."
Joe wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office....but she was dating someone else.
One day Joe got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."
Joe said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend....so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed
Looks like golf wins!
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one
remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf
course, meet his buddies and
play a 20 round. His buddies all chimed in and said,
'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way
and meet here early Christmas morning. Months
later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
golf course. The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a
fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't
take her eyes
Number 2 guy says, I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home
planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to 20 her eyeballing
Number 3 guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual. They all turned to the last guy in
the group who is staring at them like they've lost their minds.
'I can't believe
you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my
wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning for either sex or golf .. and she said ..
Take a sweater.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the co nditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word s tarts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
The Husband Store
A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women
go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the
'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the
products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT
go back down except to exit the building!'
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor
the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kid and are extremely good looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with
Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just
across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
The Maid asked for a raise.
The lady of the house was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Lady of the house: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Lady of the house: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Lady of the house: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I am?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Lady of the house: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Lady of the house (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Ma ria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!
A surgeon went to check on his blond patient after her operation.She was awake and after checking her ,he told her "you'll be fine "She asked "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?"The doctor seemed to pause,which alarmed the girl."Whats the matter doctor ?I will be alright wont I ..He replied yes,its just that no one ever ask me that after having their tonsils out,,
6 Truths of Life
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his Buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
" Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
" Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
" She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new Truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and Headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off
All her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
Subject: Guts or Balls
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS- Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, fatty.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since b oth ultimately result in death.