Chuckles of the Day...

Mexican Earthquake
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country
is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is
asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two
million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

Makes you go hmmmmmmmm?

Can you cry under water?
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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of them are 'Hillary fans'
Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny Says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he is a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my Mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "Holy *** ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

When OJ Dies


One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack
and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is
waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You
are on my list, but
I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay
here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks
here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their
place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil
opened the door to the
first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted
kept diving in, and
surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he
dove in and
surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full
of rocks. All he
did was swing that hammer, time after time after
time. "No, this is no
good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw
Bill Clinton, lying on
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she
does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally
said, "Yeah man, I
can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the
front row and said, "Do you know what your azzhole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.




You can't tell which way the train is going by looking at the tracks

A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of them are 'Hillary fans'
Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny Says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he is a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my Mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ed Palmer

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the
front row and said, "Do you know what your azzhole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.




You can't tell which way the train is going by looking at the tracks

---

LMMFAO...ya and do ya know who's with momma while your up at the deer huntin camp....bunch ole ass Marines hangin round the bars where them deer huntin widows spend their time for two weeks each year...TARGET RICH ENVIORNMENT....ONCE AGAIN LMMFAO...HEY warz Jody

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One
night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless :

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

Brokeback Mountain Baby
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and Then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby Is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and Screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse Comes by, and to the delight of the two gays, she points out that the Happy child is theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?," one says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies... And yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves our love for one another." The nurse says, "Oh Sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we pull the Pacifier out of his ass."

Pure LUCK !!! Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the mirror: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table. Jack asks, 'Son...what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I
have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady! I'm married!'

Broken furniture - $855.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back
to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his
Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you
know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you
think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up
yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His
mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and
Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, go ahead, tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue."

Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

A Thanksgiving Tale:
.
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
.
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
.
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
.
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
.
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
.
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his arse and let him go!"


Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!:beer: