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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
> He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so
> he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
> A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
>
>
> Dear Sir,
> Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
> cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
> as a pirate.
> Very truly yours,
> Acme Costume Co.
>
> The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
> wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and
> he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
>
> Dear Sir,
> Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
> wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
> Very truly yours,
> Acme Costume Co.
>
> Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
> wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
> another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel
> and a note, which reads:
>
> Dear Sir,
> Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
> Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
> wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
> Very truly yours,
> Acme Costume Co.
-
Subject: Halloween drunk
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest
episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea
and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had
watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on
here?'
The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the **** out of
a ghost.'
-
Butch the Rooster ( Alias : AL Gore )
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was
to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought
a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a
very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's
amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He
would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention?
-
THE OFFICE CONTEST TO BEAT ALL OFFICE CONTESTS
>>
>> The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
>> staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This
>> is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who
>> understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the
>> purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra
>> advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad
>> slogans, originally written for other products that captured the
>> essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes
>> later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.
>> With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very
>> well for everyone.
>>
>> The top 10 were:
>>
>> 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
>>
>> 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
>>
>> 8. Viagra, Like a rock!
>>
>> 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
>>
>> 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
>>
>> 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
>>
>> 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
>>
>> 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
>>
>> 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
>>
>> And the unanimous number one slogan:
>>
>> 1. Viagra, This is your peepee, this is your peepee on drugs.
-
Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
It had no guts.
http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s...ongs-anim1.gif
How do monsters tell their future?
They read their horror-scope.
http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s...ongs-anim1.gif
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.
http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s...ongs-anim1.gif
What do Skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appetite.
-
If Ida Lupino had married Don Ho, she would have been Ida Ho..... :banana:
-
Health Care
Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a
kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in
six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take
half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out
looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind.
We are about to take a woman with no brains, put her in the White House, and then
half the country will be out looking for work."
-
Cold Weather Latrine Detail (UNCLASSIFIED)
An US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump $#*!
from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?
-
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is
a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops.
:banana:
-
joke
Just Bought A Racehorse Named 'my Face'
Hes Not Any Good
But I Can't Wait To Hear All The Women In The Crowd Screaming Come On My Face!
-
An old man went grocery shopping with his grandson. The toddler was crying and screaming at the top of his lungs.
As the old gentleman walked up and down the isles, people could hear him speaking in a soft voice, 'We are almost done, Albert. Try not to cry, Albert. Life will get better, Albert.'
As he approached the check-out counter, he carefully brushed the toddler's tears from his eyes and said again, 'Try not to cry, Albert. We will be home soon, Albert.' As he was paying the cashier, a young woman behind him said, 'Sir, I think it is so wonderful how sweet you are being to little Albert.'
The old gentleman blinked his eyes a couple of times and said, 'Miss, my grandson's name is John. I'm Albert!
-
The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman pockets the coin and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
<O:p></O:p>
-
Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal..." he starts writing in his notebook.
"But, I'm not a Bruins Fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.
"Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Red Sox fan either!" The boy said.
"I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or the Red Sox. So, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Yankees fan!" the child beamed. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."<O:p></O:p>
-
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
-
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
----------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
--------------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm
OK. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
----------------------AND FINALLY------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
