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THE CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of
my own funeral... ..I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
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The Kitchen *****
>
>A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son
>playing with his new electric train in the living room.
>She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of
>*****es who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last
>stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are ge tting on , get your
>asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks."
>
>The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
>of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you
>are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
>your train...but I want you to use nice language."
>
>Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with
>his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
>"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your
>trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
>
>She heard her little darling continue, "For those of you just boarding,
>remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
>pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
>
>As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you w ho
>are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the
>kitchen".
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Furious George
This is George.
George was an angry little monkey, always getting mad at things he should ignore, always quick to blame other people for things he did himself, and always very furious.
George lived with the man with the yellow pills, who he also called the man with the yellow hat. The yellow pills made George calm and almost okay to live with.
One day George and the man with the yellow hat went out for a drive in the country. George wanted to drive the little blue car but the man with the yellow hat said "George, that's not safe. You don't know how to drive. Remember the time you stole the police car and ran over all those people at the bus stop because you thought they were looking at you?"
George didn't like being reminded of that story. He had to go talk to a judge because of it and the judge made George take the yellow pills that made him sleepy.
George got mad when the man with the yellow hat said that to him so he ripped off the man's hat and threw it in the creek by the side of the road. For the rest of the day, George called him "The man without the yellow hat."
Today was a nice day to be outside and George decided he would build a tree house. George wasn't very good at building things, but somehow, he decided this would be the best tree house ever.
George asked the man with the yellow hat if he'd give him a ride to the lumberyard, but the man said "No, George, the car won't work because someone put sugar in the gas tank. Do you know who put sugar in the gas tank, George?" George said he didn't know, but really he did. George put sugar in the man with the yellow hat's gas tank on account of he believed the man had stolen the prize out of his cereal box. Later, he remembered that he dug the prize out as soon as he opened the box and soon thereafter broke it.
George walked to the lumberyard and stole some pieces of wood. He distracted the men who worked there by starting a fire at one end of the yard and when they ran to put it out, George stole some of what he needed. He'd need to start many more fires to get all the wood the tree house called for, but that was to worry about another day.
When George got back home, he started to look for his tools. He needed a saw, a hammer, a level and a door plumb. He looked in the man with the yellow hat's toolbox, but couldn't find the saw. Then, George remembered he'd left it outside the week before when he was making a soapbox derby racecar that he never even came close to finishing.
The man with the yellow hat had warned him to bring all the tools back in, but clearly he didn't warn him well enough. This was everybody's fault but his own thought George. The saw was stiff and rusty and was coming loose from the handle.
George knew he needed to get a new saw. George knew he'd have to buy it, which required money, yet one other thing George didn't have. But George did know where to get some. He opened the kitchen drawer and took out the envelope that said "RENT MONEY, DO NOT TOUCH" and took out a handful of twenties. That should be enough to buy the best saw in the world and enough ice cream to make him throw up in the gutter several times over.
George walked to the hardware store and cracked the front door open; he waved the money and then walked in. George had been told not to come back unless he had money because one time he ate a bag full of wing nuts and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance.
George looked all over the store for a saw, high and low, there and here, but couldn't find anything. George was terrible at looking for things because he didn't pay close attention to what he was seeing and his mind often wandered. Still, George was getting angry. In fact, he was getting one of those headaches he got right before he had "an episode" in which he broke all sorts of things and did terrible things that he didn't remember.
George wanted someone at the hardware store to help him, but one of the workers there was already helping another customer and the other guy was making keys for someone.
Then, George saw an old man who looked like he probably worked there. If George had looked a little closer, he'd have seen that the man was really just there to buy a drain snake, but George didn't pay close attention to what he was seeing.
George became very angry that the old man wasn't coming over to help him. George became so angry that he picked up a hammer and threw it at the man, hitting him on the back of the head. At that point, everything went kind of crazy in George's mind, but from what he could piece together, somehow, everything got twisted around and George was blamed for throwing the hammer and he had to run home while the employees and customers from the hardware store chased him along with the police and the jerks from Animal Control.
George spent the rest of the day hiding under the sofa, watching Animal Planet. He never did get that saw, the loads and loads of ice cream, or to build the tree house. George did hide the money he stole from the rent envelope though.
THE END.
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My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned
both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from
reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and
rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under
your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."
The lady says: I'm not using it on my legs, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "In that case don't ride your bike for ten days." :banana:
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Homeland Security is collecting profiles on all air travelers, including such important information as where they sit on the plane and motor vehicle records. They're using this data to create a score to determine whether you're safe to fly the friendly skies, which they will store in a database and then promptly lose the password.
There are no legally published guidelines or SAT prep. The government won't let you see the score they've assigned you, because you might realize "Oh yes. I'm actually a Yemeni sleeper agent. Good thing I found out my score."
We have obtained a leaked copy of the scoring guidelines so you can take this test yourself. The higher you score, the higher your risk. Please don't look at anyone else's paper, and the penalty for guessing is a four-night stay at a hidden interrogation cell in Riyadh.
1. You have a screaming baby. 20 pts.
2. You are a screaming baby. 40 pts.
3. Your first name is Mohammad. 10 pts.
4. The bomb strapped to your chest is for 'self-defense'. 10 pts.
5. You stow your roller bag the wrong way in the overhead bin 30 pts
6. Your last name is Mohammad. 10 pts.
7. You prefer the middle seat. 50 pts.
8. You are a member of the mile-high club? 10 pts.
9. You've illegally downloaded music. 70 pts.
10. You demand the full can of soda during beverage service 20 pts.
11. Finish the sentence: Death to________! America – 50 pts. Britain – 10 pts. France – 0 pts.
12. You watch the inflight movie with your own headphones 20 pts.
13. You watch the entire safety demonstration every time you fly: 25 pts.
14. Both your first name and last name are Mohammad. 30 pts.
15. You ate the entire inflight meal. 40 pts.
16. You haven't illegally downloaded music, but the RIAA sent you a cease and desist letter anyway: 20 pts.
17. You lit matches to cover up for gas after eating the inflight meal. 20 pts.
18. You only have one name, and it is Mohammad 40 pts.
19. You root for the bad guys in "24". 60 pts.
20. You cut me off in the parking lot today: 95 pts.
21. You arrived in America in a shipping container. 20 pts.
22. You asked for a vegan meal. 60 pts.
23. You did the inflight magazine crossword puzzle in pen. 90 pts.
24. You show up 24 hours early to get a good seat when you fly Southwest. 15 pts.
Your Score
0 – you are lying and are a terrorist.
1-200: we're going to adjust your score to inflate our numbers for budgetary purposes.
201- 450: you're probably safe but we'll make you walk through the puffy air machine every time.
451-700: you've racked up enough frequent flier miles to fly free to Yemen.
701 or above: you are such a terrorist you are part of the plot in this season of "24".
Ellie
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Choosing A Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed
The man thought for a long time about what ea ch woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alz heimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Fairy Tale
One day, long ago, there was a woman who surprisingly, never *****ed, nagged or whined.
But that was long ago and it was only one day.
The End
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change!:beer:
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Flattened Frog
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the street,
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him He came to a house of ill
repute, and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money
to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, what the hell, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making
love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and
headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a
restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she's very
fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way,
he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed
and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-*****
that ran over my frog."
Never underestimate a little kid
-
Italian boy's Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or l ater, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please , Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi, and
I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar
boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."
-
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for
more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
afford new clothes and
other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another
position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more
than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1
million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one
of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had
"charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings
and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he
found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would > have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him!
-
Political Humor
Showed up in my mailbox
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on I-95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."
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CAJUN HUNTING
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young Cajun boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy look down and said, "Well, how 'bout dat! , a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you onna do with him?"
The little Cajun boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!!
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Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
7. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
8. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
9. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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A fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,It warms the bed in winter,And suffocates the
fleas.
A fart can be quiet,A fart can be loud,Some leave a powerful,Poisonous
cloud A fart can be short,Or a fart can be long,Some farts have been
known To sound like a song...... A fart can create A most curious medley,A
fart can be harmless,Or silent , and deadly. A fart might not smell,While
others are vile,A fart may pass quickly,Or linger a while......or A fart can
occur In a number of places,And leave everyone there,With strange looks on
their faces. From wide-open prairie,To small elevators,A fart will find
all of Us sooner or later. But saying farts are all bad,Is simply not true-We must
never forget.......Sweet old farts like you!
