Chuckles of the Day...

This just struck me funny…


A Fairy Tale you might enjoy ...
One day,
long, long ago there was this woman
who surprisingly, was
not controlling or overbearing........
But this was a long time ago.....
and it was just that ONE day

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
Responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... Pregnant when you met her."


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TO BE 6 AGAIN

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, Observing his wife turning back And forth, looking at her self in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked What she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still Looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, Made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, And then took her to Six Flags Theme park . What a day ! He put her on every Ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... Everything
There was. Five hours Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her Stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he Ordered her a Happy Meal with Extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she Wobbled home with her
Husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and Lovingly asked, Well Dear,
What was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression Suddenly changed.
I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is Listening, he is going to get it wrong.


BOOGIEMAN

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading
universities,
were attending their first class on emotional
extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the
professor
to the student from UCLA, What is the opposite of
joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young
lady from Clemson..
"Elation," she said.

"And you, sir," he said to the student from Texas
A&M, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texas A&M student replied, "Sir, I believe that
would be giddy up".

:D A litlle morning poem

'Tarzan swings,
Tarzan falls,
Jane then grabs him by the balls,
That's why Tarzan always calls,
Aah ee, Aah ee, Aah ee, Aah:D

It's all in the Towel ??



...about that towel

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult
their Rabbi
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following
suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help wife fantasize
and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the Rabbi's
advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as
they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again they
follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young
man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the
towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon
has an enormous room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see that, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!";)

The Driver's Licence ( Joke)


A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Two elderly friends, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Larry didn't show up. Ken didn't think much about it and
figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up
for a week or so, Ken really got worried. However, since the only time
they ever got together was at the park, Ken didn't know where Larry lived,
so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry,
but one day, Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat
Larry! Ken was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.


Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened
to you?"


Larry replied, "I have been in jail."


"Jail?" cried Ken. "What in the world for?"


"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress
at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"


"Yeah," said Ken, "I remember her. What about her?"


"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years
old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer for me please, and one for the road."

6. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"

7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

12. I went to a seafood disco last week . . . And pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

15. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

16. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

18. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

19. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

20. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

21. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

22. A group of Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the monastery to close down, but they would not. They were doing great business & tax free! He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest vicious thug in town. He trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

23. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

24. There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

25. Two cannibals are eating a clown.One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?

A filthy rich south Texas man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited randy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the back yard of his mansion. Randy was having a good time drinkin, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the ladies. At the hight of the party, the host said " I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump-in." The words were bearly out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Randy in the pool!! Randy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!! randy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, bitting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Randy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. finally Randy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Randy then slowly climbed out or
the pool. Everyone was just staring at him indisbelief. finally the host says, "well, Randy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars. "No, that's okay. I don't want it, said Randy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about a half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it, "answered Randy. The host asid, "come on, I insist on giving you something. that was amazing. How about a new Porsch and a rolex and some stock options?" again Randy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "well, Randy, then what do you want? Randy said, "I want the name of the SUMBITH who pushed me in the pool.

A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being born."

The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why don't you know what color the child is going to be?"

"Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is."

"OK", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?"

"Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman.

"Wait", says the doctor," The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"

"Yes, doctor he was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the actors Asian?"

"Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying.

"Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!"

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told
the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth
wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type
and color dress are you looking for? " The bride to be said: "A long
frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then
said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature
are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the
first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I
mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice? ". " Well," replied the
customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you
that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite
all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see,
my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we
were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a
terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that
wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again." "What
about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk. "That one was a
Liberal Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he
just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be,
but nothing ever happened." <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????...........................




OH, Come on...take a guess!


Think about it...

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is..


You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

Subject: 2 books to read

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:....... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[From a Friend] Way to go Texas!!

Texas Logic

A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texas engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total. saysthe Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a Lonestar beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water"........