HOW GULLIBLE ARE WE?
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.” And for plenty of good reasons:
1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component of acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
He asked fifty people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three said yes and six were undecided. Only one knew that the chemical, “dihydrogen monoxide” was water. The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible are We?” He feels the conclusion is obvious.
Rules Men live by
01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella
02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
03: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed by his buddies and dumped in a ditch.
04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.
05: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
09: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax at least once. If you trap her head under the covers
for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel..and it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before
the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.
26: Unless it is a Jeep or a vintage Mopar, Thou shall not buy a car
in the colors of tourquoise, pink, lime green, orange or sky
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Cracking Paddy joke........
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
a drug addict , a cigarette smoker, and a drunk went to hell cuz they died... they met satan..."I shall grant you one wish, any wish you want!" satan said.. The addict said "I want lots of drugs.....give me weed, marijuana, ecxtacy etc...give lots of it now " ,satan said "wise choice..now open that door and you will find your wish"...so he entered... the addict found a huge room filled with all the drugs in the world..."i shall come back tomorrow to check on you" said satan.. then the drunk said "I want all the liQuor in the world, all of the diffrent kinds!!" "very well ..now open the door and you will find your wish" satan said ...so he entered... the drunk found a huge room filled with all the liquor in the world..."i shall come back tomorrow to check on you" said satan.. then the smoker approched satan and said "give me lots of cigarettes lots and lots all the cigarettes in the world"... then satan said "wise choice..now open that door and you will find your wish" ...so he entered... the smoker found a huge room filled with all the cigarettes in the world.. ."i shall come backtomorrow to check on you" said satan.. the next day satan went to check on the three..first the addict...he was dead but very very high...next was the drunk he was dead but was very very drunk..lastly there was the smoker..who was alive but crying...satan asked why he was crying....the smoker said to satan...."YOU DIDNT GIVE ME A LIGHTER A**HOLE!!!!"
A bear, a lion and a chicken are talking.
"When I roar" said the bear, "the forest rumbles."
The lion sniffed.
"When *I* roar, the jungle trembles", he said.
"Oh." Said the chicken.
The lion and bear looked at her, thinking about dinner.
The chicken smiled a small, knowing smile, and said
"When I cough, the whole world craps itself."
In an attempt to thwart the spread of the bird flu,
George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.
There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line ofchoosing a profession.
Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and abottle of whiskey...
"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up.
If he picks up the Bible,he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard -a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room.
He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!" :banana:
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real
workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world
are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried,
and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from
the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate
love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the
daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please,
go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a
trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that
buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They
entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the
couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the
couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my
One Sunday while counting the money in the weekly collection plate, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday he watched carefully as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put one of the distinctive pink envelopes in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you've been putting $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied. "Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful of him. How much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?"
"He's a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's certainly an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some **** wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but *****s and hockey players up there."
"Really?!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No ****??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
One Woman's Tale of Woe
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and
you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and
you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It work! s! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom tryi! ng to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose a! t this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the Morris had to call an
electrician, a roofer and a carpenter.
One afternoon Morris returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in
"God," he pleaded, looking skyward,
"please let her be having an affair."
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?
The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.
There’s this elderly Texas couple, Sam and Bessie.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and walks proudly all the way home.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asks, a little louder this time, Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”
Bessie looks him up and down and says, “Sam, what’s so different? It’s hanging down today. It was hanging down yesterday. And, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!!!”
To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat.”
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."