They were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last 2 decades.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane unfortunately crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied; "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day, any time of day that you want."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St.
Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your oatmeal....We could have been here twenty years ago!" :banana:
THIS IS NOT A CHUCKLE BUT IT IS A VERY GOOD POEM, I DIDNT KNOW WHERE ELSE TO PUT IT...
A Soldiers Life.....
Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes.
He stays up for days on end.
You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.
You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at, as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.
You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.
You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.
You talk trash on your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.
You don't feel like helping out your dad today, so you don't.
He does what he is told.
You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.
You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He does not get to eat today.
Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for months, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
You are angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He is told he will be held an extra 2 months.
He does as he is told.
You call your girlfriend and set a date for that night.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
You ditch class to go to a movie.
He goes where he is told.
You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.
You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own government and remembers why he is fighting.
You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of the men like him.
He hears the gun fire and bombs.
You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the bodies lying around him.
You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does what he is told.
You stay at home and watch tv.
He takes whatever time he is given to call and write home, sleep, and eat.
You crawl into your bed, with down pillows, and try to get comfortable.
He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gun fire.
You sit there and judge him, saying the world is a worse place because of men like him.
If only there were more men like him.
There is a price for most everything;
There is a price for peace.
The price we pay at peaceís wage,
At times is what we weep.
For clearer skies, and tearless eyes,
Soldiers fight with no retreat.
That our eagle may fly,
again up high,
So we may embrace freedomís feat.
Some soldiers return,
rugged but saved,
Remembering those given to graves.
But when war cries ring,
the angels sing,
In honor of our brave.
Marines, they sail to unknown lands.
The Air Force echoes its sounds;
Our Army fights a rigid fight,
On unfamiliar grounds.
The Navy with its crew at hand,
Engages from afar.
While our entire nation
And their loved ones,
Send prayers to our soldiers at war.
Each tear is real, each fear is felt,
Each terror is not solitary.
United we stand in giving support
To All soldiers in our military.
TOP FIFTEEN REJECTED TITLES FOR BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
14. "Prances With Wolves"
13. "Male Rider"
12. "Really Blazing Saddles"
11. "The Magnificent Seven Inches"
10. "Not-That-There's-Anything-Wrong-With-THAT-Little Mountain"
9. "How The West Was Hung"
8. "Little Bathhouse on the Prairie"
7. "For a Few Dollars More, We Can Make It a Threesome"
6. "Go West, Young Man...Now South..A Little More To The South... Oh God,.....Yes!......Right There!"
5. "Clint Eastwood's Nightmare"
4. "The Good, The Bad and The Really, Really Fabulous!"
3. "Broke My Back Mounting Him"
1. "Buttcrack Mountain" :banana:
"You are suffering form what is technically known as an 'Electra
Complex'," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In
other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(sniff)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs.
"I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"
"Never Lie To Girls"
There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.
He goes to Richmond to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
Boudreaux, the Cajun fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Y know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station."
He sayes "Bell 1 rings -- we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings -- we slide down the de pole. Bell 3 rings -- we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go."
"From now on, when I says "Bell 1" I want you to strip naked. When I says "Bell 2" you jump on the bed. When I says "Bell tree" we's gonna mek love all tru the night.
The next night he came home and yelled "Bell 1", his wife strips down, he yells "Bell 2", she jumps on the bed. "Bell 3" and they are off making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "BELL 4".
"What the hell is "Bell 4"?", He asked.
She replied: "Roll out more hose, you ain't yet nowhere near de fire." :banana:
An older gentlemen had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a rather large unfriendly looking woman with the appearance of a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name and in a very loud voice she said "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME RIGHT HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around and stared at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
Don't mess with old folks.
A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington IA, to Branson MO.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it it runs away!!" :banana:
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She explained that she was a physical therapist and said, "Please allow me to help.
I know that I could relieve your pain if would allow me!". "Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But the woman persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides. She loosened his pants, put her hands inside and began to massage his crotch.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!" :banana:
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"