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There was this tall lanky cowboy sitting at a bar when a married lady happened to notice his unusually large boots. She walked over and shyly asked if it was true what she had heard about men with large feet. He proudly announced "Yes Maa'm - it is and I would gladly go out back and show you" She declined revealing to him that she was married. Returning to her seat, she ordered another drink. Thinking to herself that her husband was out of town and she had never done anything like this before, she went back to the cowboy and asked him to spend the night with her. The next morning the woman woke up and handed the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing the cowboy declined and said "Gosh Ma'am - I'm terribly flattered, but it was all my pleasure - You don't got to pay me" Handing it to him again the woman said " Don't be flattered - Just take it and get yourself some boots that fit "!!!!!!
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If we had a Democratic president, these would be the top county songs in the USA:
17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number One song is .. .
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
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One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans.
The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied," I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnaped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, " How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon."
http://perfectunion.com/vb/images/ol...s/rolleyes.gif
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Ray Nagin, the mayor of New Orleans, was asked his views on Roe vs. Wade.
He said he didn't care how people got back to their houses. :banana:
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Subject: FW: WHY WE DRINK
Why We Drink?
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink,I feel
shame.Then, I look into the glass and think about the workers in the
vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then, I say
to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver'."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter,
faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no
sin, we go to heaven. So-o-o-o, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and
over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
"Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers!"
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may ! make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
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It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, hairy gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this is funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now, tell him you have a headache."
-
By now everybody knows that Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a
hunting companion with a load of birdshot while on a quail-hunting trip in
Texas.
And this has brought Americans together like never before. Red state and
blue state alike, we're all thinking the same thing:
"Dick, that was a lawyer. Why didn't you fire the second barrel?"
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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is
for
a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No,
I
don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin
Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if
other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone
a
! lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how
much
he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know,"
Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could
shoot the fxcker!
-
Cake Or Bed?
A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
Honey,
Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.
He Looks At Her And Says Angrily, Fix The Lights Now?
Does It Look Like I Have
Ge Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So.
Fine,
Then The Wife Asks,
Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right
To Which He Replied,
Fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So
Fine, She Says
Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door?
They Are About To Break.
I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
Want To Fix Steps. He Says, Does It Look Like I Have Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So. I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!!!
So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours...................
He Starts To Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home
As He Walks Into The House He Notices That The Steps Are Already Fixed.
As He Enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working.
As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
The Fridge Door Is Fixed.
Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried. Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
What Was Wrong, And I Told Him. He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.
He Said, So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?
She Replied, Hellooooo! ...
Do You See Betty Crocker Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!
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A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most
riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your axs hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
-
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on
our road.
The reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't
want them to cross there anymore.
This one was from Kingman, KS.
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a
taco. She asked the person behind the counter for
"minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only
had "iceberg lettuce".
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in
your baggage without your knowledge? To which I
replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we
ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an
intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind
people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
________________________! ________ _______________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker
who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our
manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should
do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all
just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself and for the life of her couldn't
understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no
less.
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys
had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to
unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle
and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he
replied, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,
Mississippi!
__________________________________________________ _____
*They walk among us and REPRODUCE! Kinda scary, huh?*
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This guy went into the local drug store the other day and asked the pharmacist if they carried viagra. He assured the guy that they did. The guy then asked him if he could get it over the counter. The pharmacist thought about this for a second then answered, "If you took two you probably could".
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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you; I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad; boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is real angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
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"SUPPLIES!! :banana:
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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle,Turner Brown".
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds,I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn Around
