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funny signs
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
__________________________________________________ __________
> > Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
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> > At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
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> > On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
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> > On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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> > Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
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> > At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
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> > On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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> > At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg.
> > We want tows."
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> > On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
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> > In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
> > on fire and take appropriate action."
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> > On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
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> > At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're
> > looking for, you've come to the right place."
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> > On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
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> > In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
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> > My "personal" favorite....:) On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome!
> > Dog food is expensive."
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> > At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -
> > miss a car payment."
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> > Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
> > coming."
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> > In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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> > At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in
> > your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
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> > In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry,
> > come on in and get fed up.
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> > In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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> > At a Propane Filling Station "Tank heaven for little grills."
__________________________________________________ ________
> > And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town
> > to take a leak."
> > Have a good day!
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Subject: World's Thinnest Books
>>>>
>>>>20. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda
>>>>19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver
>>>>18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino
>>>>17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by HILLARY CLINTON
>>>>16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden
>>>>15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates
>>>>14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
>>>>13. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
>>>>12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
>>>>11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
>>>>10. DETROIT: a Travel Guide
>>>>9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES -by DR. J. Kevorkian
>>>>8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
>>>>7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
>>>>6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes
>>>>5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
>>>>4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
>>>>3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
>>>>2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
>>>>
>>>>And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ....
>>>>1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction by The
Rev.
>>>>Jessie Jackson
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I've read them all.....in less than 5 minutes and I'm not even a speed reader! Had a hard time looking for them in our library system. (Might be the censor patrol.)
Gary
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Three Marines were on leave in Mexico. While they were there they decided to look for a resort to do some bungee jumping. They went to this small town just ten miles from their hotel. There was had a huge cliff over looking the town. There people could bungee jump over it. They got to the top of the cliff. Paid their money, and got suited up. They looked around at eachother and said, "Ok? Who's first?" The youngest of the three spoke up. "I'll go first!" They hooked him up to the bungee cord and he jumped off over the cliff. The other two watched patiently for him to bounce back up. When he did, they saw that he was bleeding. He went back down and came back up, and he was screaming for help! The others grabbed the cord and pulled him back up to the cliff's edge. When they had secured him they asked, "What happened?" He replied, "I don't know, but what the hell's a pinata."
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A little southern humor
This very prim and proper southern lady was driving across the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, SC one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge of the bridge getting ready to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your Mom and Dad".
He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead, I'm gonna jump".
She said, "Well think of your wife and kids".
He replied, "I'm not married and don't have any kids".
She said, " Well think of Robert E. Lee".
He replied, " Who is Robert E. Lee?"
She replied, "Well, just go ahead and jump then , ya Damn Yankee!"
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A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready,
all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple
start out, the cat shoots back in the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes
out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the
cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will
be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs
to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid ***** was hiding
under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get
her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed
her in the back yard !!"
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Vell, Ole and Lena went to the
same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and
taught Sunday
School. Ole went on Christmas
and Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the
other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was
in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a
fine looking
woman she was. Vhile dey were
taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Lena,
how about you and me go to
dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,"
said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his
luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and
on Friday he picked
Lena up and took her to the
finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole
looked over at
Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould
you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat
vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so
he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached
in his pocket
and pulled out a pack of
cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a
smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat
vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low
after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving
Lena home ven dey
passed the Hot Springs Motel.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had
nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how
vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,"
said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his
luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the
median and
everything, and drove back to
the motel and checked in with Lena.
The next morning Ole got up
first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her
gray curls on the
pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat
have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke
up. "Lena, I've
got to ask you von ting," said
Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School
class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I
alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to
have a good time!"
=====
Build love within a circle.
Circles have no endings.
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"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS
> THAN WITH A
> SINGLE AMERICAN"
>
>
>
>
> This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a
business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such
an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups
> from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that
the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.
But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the
proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society
> who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And
> after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would
dare post such a sign?
>
> keep scrolling
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer: A Funeral Home
> (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
>
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A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was
a liberal Democrat. She then asked her students to raise
their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting
to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like
fireworks.
There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had
not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy
why she decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said.
The teacher asked, "Then what are you?"
"I'm a proud conservative Republican" said the little girl.
The teacher, a little perturbed and red-faced, asked Lucy
why she was a conservative Republican?
Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself
and freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government
to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom
are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative
Republican too."
The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What
if your Mom and Dad were both morons?
What would you be then?"
Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat."
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of
>>his
>>dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly
>>dismounts,
>>worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes
>>to find him.
>>The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
>>
>>The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
>>sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
>>
>>"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
>>
>>"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
>>
>>"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and does
>>something on her knees that blows it right back up."
>>
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Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...
Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie -- poof! -- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." -- Poof! -- the mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm losing weight." -- poof! -- The mirror swallows her.
Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." -- poof!
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BECAUSE HE SAYS.....
The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or
blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or
in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it
all in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon,
you'll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots
twice and always eats what he shoots.
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One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was
printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine,
poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.
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Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some.
The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
