Chuckles of the Day...

One Question IQ Test

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

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He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

Morning Sex Poem

Brian woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over his wife's side of the bed.

His wife, Lisa, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Brian called his little boy into the room and asked him to "take a note to your beautiful mommy."

The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Lisa, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to "Take this to your silly Daddy",

The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Haemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Brian read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."

The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Lisa answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs."

The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand!

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

NEW TOWN PRIEST

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"

YOUNG ATTRACTIVE MODEL

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test.



The examiner shows him a card with the letters:



C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z



"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.



"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."

FACTS ABOUT VODKA

Did you know this about vodka?

* To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.

The solvent dissolves adhesive.

* To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a
trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

* To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

* Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

* Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

* Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

* Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

* Fill a 16-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

* Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Zip-Loc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

* Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three (3) days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

* To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

* To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

* Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

* Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

* Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me. . I've only been drinking the stuff

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to ! drink that much again."

23. 50% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists
My momma's email | Truman Capote

WEEK ONE

* Beans * Bacon * Coffee * Whiskey

WEEK TWO

* Beans * Ham * Coffee * Whiskey

WEEK THREE

* Beans al fresca * Thin-sliced Bacon * Hazelnut Coffee * Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin * K-Y gel

WEEK FOUR

* Beans en salade * Pancetta * Coffee (espresso grind) * 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay * 2 tubes K-Y gel

WEEK FIVE

* Fresh Fava beans * Jasmine rice * Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced * Medallions of veal * Porcini mushrooms * 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream * 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long * 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve) * 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX

* Yukon Gold potatoes * Heavy whipping cream * Asparagus (very thin) * Organic Eggs * Spanish Lemons * Gruyere cheese (well aged) * Crushed Walnuts * Arugula * Clarified Butter * Extra Virgin Olive oil * Pure Balsamic vinegar * 6 yards white silk organdy * 6 yards pale ivory taffeta * 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve * Large tin Crisco

Soon, Wal-Mart customers will be able to sample a new discount item:
Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming
up with Robert Mondavi Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an
affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "The right name is
important."

So, here we go:
The top 10 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat
(Possum) or red meat (squirrel).

Navy Chiefs

One day, a Navy Chief went to the Officer's Club with his Captain to eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found the place was quite crowded. They did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with two empty chairs, so the Captain asked them if they could join them.

They promptly invited them to join them. They ordered lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate. At one point, the Chief mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could determine the source of their commissioning. The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.

The Chief turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how he had noted this. The Chief replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.

The Chief then told the Lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant confirmed that this was correct and also asked how he had determined this. The Chief said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.

The Lieutenant across the table from the Chief asked if he had determined his source of commission. The Chief replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if he had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Naval Academy.

The Chief replied that it was none of these that led to his determination. He had simply observed the Lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

You can't take them Navy Chiefs anywhere.

Ellie

Top 10: Things Men Say + What They Really Mean

10. He says: "My wife doesn't understand me." He means: "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

9. He says: "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." He means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

8. He says: "I missed you while you were gone." He means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

7. He says: "Let's take your car." He means: "Mine is full of burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

6. He says: "I do help around the house." He means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

5. He says: "I broke up with her." He means: "She dumped me."

4. He says: "Hey, I've read all the classics." He means: "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

3. He says: "I heard you." He means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

2. He says: "Will you marry me?" He means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

1. He says: "I don't want to go because I hate shopping." He means: "I don't want to go because I hate sitting outside the dressing room holding your purse for 2 hours."

<tt>A study conducted by Indiana University's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. The study found that if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he's on fire.</tt>

Officers and making love


A colonel, a major, and a boot 2nd lieutenant were sitting at the base
chow hall enjoying lunch one afternoon when the 2nd lieutenant (Lt.)
announced that he wanted to pop the question to his girlfriend and ask her
to marry him. The Colonel wanted to spread his wisdom of marriage and
counsel the young Lt. and said that marriage is a lot of work and making
love is an important part of it. He advised the Lt. that making love was
50% fun and 50% work. The major cut in and said that he believed that
making love was 40%fun and 60% work.

The young Lt. boasted that he believed making love was 95% fun and 20%
work (you do the math)

Right then the Colonel saw a Corporal overseeing a working party and
summoned him over. The Corporal ran over and reported in and stood
listening to the debate. The colonel asked the corporal what his thoughts
on it were and the Corporal thought for a minute and said "Respectfully
gentelmen, you are all wrong." the Colonel sat back with amazement and
asked how he knew that and the Corporal replied "Well sir, making love is
100% fun, because if there were any work involved, you would get an
enlisted man to do it for you!"