The Difference Between the Infantry, the Artillery and the Armored
HAPPINESS IS . . .
Infantry: A good rifle
Armored: A big tank
Artillery: A loud boom
UPON HEARING FIREWORKS
Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise
Armored: Not loud enough
Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?
Infantry: Waste of rations
Armored: Waste of rations
Artillery: Waste of rations
IDEA OF FUN
Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective
Armored: Racing across a grid square on "full stab"
Artillery: Leveling a grid square
Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret"
Armored: "Purple Haze"
Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!
BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD
Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4
Armored: Grunts to dig their trenches for them
A LONG ROUTE MARCH WITH FULL KIT
Infantry: 20 clicks
Armored: From the hangars to the tank
Artillery: What's a route march?
Infantry: Are morons and should stay away from the trenchlines
Armored: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles
Artillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines
FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION
Infantry: Anything but walking
Armored: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. TankstankstankstanksTANKS!
Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?
BIGGEST GRIPE IN THE FIELD
Infantry: The weather
Armored: Coffee maker in tank not working
Artillery: Only having basic cable
BREAKFAST IN THE FIELD
Infantry: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it
Armored: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser
Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton's coffee
WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
Infantry: Death Techs
Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers
WHAT OTHERS CALL THEM
Artillery: Drop shorts
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic."
Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to **** off.
No Sex Since 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in tendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Riddles and Answers
Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader
Q: What did the sign on the door of the *****house say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What does a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to he cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX.
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," ! ; I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I had told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
Hidden Signs Of Dating!
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a
person. Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."
1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
- No foreplay.
2. Can't hail a cab.
3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
- Prefers virgins.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way.
- He is a virgin.
5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
- Will swallow.
6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.
7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, "The lady will have..."
- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.
8. Asks for "the usual"
- Insists on missionary position only.
9. Asks what the specials are.
- Will want you to use handcuffs.
10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
- Premature ejaculator.
11. Drinks decaf.
- Fakes orgasms.
12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
13. Credit card is refused.
- Low sperm count.
14. Under tips waiter.
- Small penis.
15. Uses toothpick.
- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
Sweet justice in Australia!
Melrose Drive , Tullamarine , Victoria . January 16th 2006 : 14.35 hours :
Highway patrol pulls over a Workcover Inspector for doing 68 in a 60 zone.
Workcover Inspector says nothing and cops it sweet accepting the $50
ticket. Policeman finishes writing ticket and proceeds back to his car...
Workcover Inspector in the mean time, gets digital camera out of bag,
photographs the cop and proceeds to the police car where he issues the
Policeman with an $800.00 fine for not wearing his hi-visibility vest
when leaving his vehicle in a high traffic area.
Don't you just love justice!
New Husband Store
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . . .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
"Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord."
The second floor sign reads:
"Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids."
The third floor sign reads:
"Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking".
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
"Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework".
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
"Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak".
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!"
WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE??
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents."
HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
WHAT'S THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four, because at that , you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you...If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on TV."
"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime."
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...We were behind a tree."
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there."
CUSTER'S LAST THOUGHT
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of “Custer's Last Thought.” The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at the Little Big Horn.
Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.
The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, “What the hell has this got to do with ‘Custer's Last Thought’?”
The artist replied, “It's simple. Custer's last thought had to have been: ‘Holy ****! Where did all these ****ing Indians come from?’”
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Outstanding! All of these could come from the log books of Pappy Boyington's VMA-214 or the latest 90 day wonders. :banana:
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking
"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," replied his mother.
THE SEA by Kindergartners
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A Dolphin breathes through an ******* on the top of its head. (Billy
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give
a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they >
have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my >
(Kevin age 6)
There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there.
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Pivot Point ^ | 2/3/06
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining. The day is young. We've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
TIBETIAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark....
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover....
POINTER: I see it. There it is. There it is, right there....
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb....
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z
CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be ! before I can expect light? Will you people hurry up?!
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.