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A small town patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting." :banana: :banana:
After the southern tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all
sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure' preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Georgia, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
think positive
Midland, TX. City Councilman Ejected From Studio
T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Midland, TX, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio - but to a thunderous applause from the audience.
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say":
"Red is positive"
"Black is negative"
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus
arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine
kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind
man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you
put a piece of rubber at the end of
your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."
New Mexico Barbie Dolls:
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls
for the New Mexico market:
Tanoan Albq Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold at out-of-state Fashion Centers since
there is no High-end shopping in the entire state.
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
long-haired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a semi- custom dream house.
Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic ex-husband
Ken comes with squeeze-me Skipper and a Ferrari.
Rio Rancho Barbie:
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan
and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time
occupation or secondary education. Traffic- jamming cell phone sold
separately. Can swear in English or Spanish. Available at Target.
Espanola Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a 78
El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit.
This model is Only available after dark and can only be bought with
cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know
what you are talking about.
Northeast Heights Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or
HummerH2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and
country Club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Private
School Skipper. Ahwatukee Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early
80's.
Moriarty Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her
shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at MCC. She has a six- pack of Coors
Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick
mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk.
Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper
sticker absolutely free. Available at Super Wal-mart.
Los Lunas Barbie:
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
Beer-Gut Ken out of Belen Barbie's (discontinued) house.
Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails,
strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter-top.
Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal- Mart.
Cheap.
Corrales Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic (nose job) Barbie wears leopard
print spandex, and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at
the lodge. She's into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and two
alimony checks. Also cheap.
West Side Albuquerque Barbie:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional
accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his
'79 Caddy where available, but are now very difficult to find since the
addition of the infant.
Santa Fe Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white
socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need
a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Flagstaff Barbies and the optional
Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
Ruidoso Barbie:
Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. We
don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on
business. Ruidoso Barbie aspires to become Tanoan Barbie. Not cheap,
but still very naive.
South Valley Albuquerque Barbie:
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This
is the only Barbie who is willing to do manual labor.
Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his
left hand. Green cards are not yet available for South Valley Barbie or
Ken. Available at Food City.
Silver City Barbie/Ken"
These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't
have much time left. Both write checks for everything or pay in change,
and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about "The good
ol' days." Drives a golf cart, signals right to turn left. Can be seen
in Barbie Grocery Store (soldseparately) arguing over prices.
Available at the doctor's office
Las Cruces Barbie:
Into basketball and marijuana and green chile. Dropped out of NM State.
Does nothing but complain about any Albuquerque Barbie :banana:
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"
The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?”
"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
The cop asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.....
"I'll be damned---My girlfriend's gone, too
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale,
"Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time; and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female,
"Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." :banana:
Keep an open mind
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop
that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800
dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband
says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story : - If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his
arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go
forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story : - If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep and a administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!"
says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says
the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my
personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my
life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: - Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: -
"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and
rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story : - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well,
why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed
with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the
tree.
Moral of the story: - Bull_ _ _ _ might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.
A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
Little boy was walking down the street and ran into the town preacher. The preacher had a jar under his arm so the little boy ask "Whats in the jar Preach", the Preacher said Holy Water and went on to say that he had put some of the Holy Water on a womans stomach and she passed a baby. The Preacher noticed a jar under the arm of the little boy and asked "What's in your jar". The boy replied that he had a jar of acid and that he had put some on a cats azz and the cat passed a motorcycle.
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
"Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!
:banana:
An Old Couple Find Each Other
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterwards, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it
shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get
another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to
empty your bedpan