An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine
alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who
were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men
standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in
town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming
rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and
strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and
flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
The Goat in the Fence
A Marine and an Airman are walking down a country rode when the Airman spots a goat standing by the side of the road with its horns caught between the rails of the fence. The Airman looks at the Marine and says, "Man, I've always wanted to give that a try." He looks around, sees there's nobody nearby, then drops his pants and proceeds to sodomize the hapless goat. When he's done, he pulls his pants up, grins at the Marine, and says "Okay, your turn." --So the Marine sticks his head through the fence.
A Set of Tracks
Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said "those are deer tracks." The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.
Grab Bag of Jarhead Jokes
Q: "What has an IQ of 42?"
A: "40 Marines plus their lieutenant"
Q. "Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships?"
A. "Because sheep would be too obvious"
Q. "What do smart Marines and UFOs have in common?"
A. "You always hear about them but you never see them"
Q. "Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats?"
A. "So that if the seat falls while they're drinking, it won't smack them in the back of the head"
A man and his wife enter a bar. They sit down at the bar and order a couple drinks. The wife notices another man staring at her. Her husband then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers in her ear.
"I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze your ***, and finally, I want to fill your ***** up with tequila and drink it out."
Amazed, the woman says nothing. The man walks away. The woman's husband comes back a minute or two later. The woman turns to her husband and says,
"That man over there said he wants to lick my nipples."
****ed, the man stands up and says, "What else did he say?"
"He also said he wants to squeeze my ***."
"That's it, I'm kicking his ***."
"Wait, he also told me he wants to fill my ***** up with tequila, and drink it all out." After hearing this, the man abruptly sits down.
"What are you doing? Aren't you going to kick his ***?" The woman says to her husband.
He replies with, "What are you crazy?? I'm not fighting a man who can drink that much tequila."
The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight....PROMISE! Well, the hours passed away quickly, and the beer was going down way too easily. At 3:00 am, drunk as a skunk, I arrived home and just as soon as I got in the front door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized that she would probably wake up, so I cuckood another 9 times! I was really proud of my accomplishment! Having such a snappy, witty solution to avoid a possible severe conflict with the wife. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got home. I said "At midnight, like I promised". She didn't seem disturbed at all. "Got away with that one" I thought to my brilliant self. Then she said that we need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, " Well, last night it cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****', cuckooed four more times, cleared its' throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, then cuckooed twice more, then farted".
Saving For Marriage
One day, a priest went into a public bathroom to use the cubical. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was a young man, sitting on the toilet playing with himself.
The priest was shocked. He told the young man that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.
The young man agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest.
About a week later, the priest ran into the young man at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.
The young man replied, "Great father! I've saved a whole quart!"
The Sensitive Man ....
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.
Top 10: Worst Pickup Lines Ever
10. I'm a virgin, so you don't have to worry about catching anything.
9. Baby, when you walked in the door, I damn near grew a third leg.
8. Should I call you in the morning or just nudge you?
7. Your butt is so nice it's just a shame you have to sit on it.
6. You look like a hooker I once knew in Reno.
5. I’m here - what were your other two wishes?
4. My name is Bill and I'm conducting a poll... in my pants.
3. I've had quite a bit to drink and you're beginning to look pretty good.
2. How would you like your eggs for breakfast: scrambled, boiled or fertilized?"
1. Can I have your phone number after we have sex?
I´m Glad I'm a Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
He Said, She Said
He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!
He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
What Men are Like
Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
he only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is ****ed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00
8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00
5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00
4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$3.00
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS
We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
- Are there penalties for early withdrawals? - What if one's penis is self employed? - Do multiple partners count as a corporation? - Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes? - Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?
With the Babysitter
A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says "Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her". The babysitter responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually mommy lets me take a bath". The babysitter says "ok". The boy is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The babysitter says "Really? ok". They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" The babysitter says "Really? ummmmm ok".
Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy says "That wasn't my finger either."
At Any Drugstore
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
At the Military Base
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had
a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might
have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the
medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist,
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Tang said, "OK, take
off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get
down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again,
the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Tang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to
me." As she did, Dr. Tang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem
vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Tang what is Ed
Zachary disease?" Dr. Tang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed
Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your