After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Seņor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers,' a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." :banana:
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggin' pervert do you think I am?"
A BACON TREE ALREADY ! !
Back in the wild west days, a California bound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Rabbi sitting beneath a tree.
The wagon master rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Rabbi said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon master.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the wagon master, who manages to escape back to the old Rabbi, who's enjoying a "glassle of tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Rabbi holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"
A lesson from Mexico
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats,. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions.. Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could play your guitar with your amigos."
One dark and snowy night, a blond was sitting in her car wondering how she would find her way home, then she thought what her father told her long ago..
" If you find your self in a snow storm, just wait for a snow plow to come along and follow it "
As to the blond's delight, a snow plow did come along and she did as he father said,
In behind the plow the blond went, and after about an hour had gone by, the snow plow stoped,
Just then, the blond noticed the snow plow driver walking back to her car,
As the blond rolled down her window, the snow plow driver asked her what she was doing follow his snow plow,
The blond told the snow plow driver what her father had said long ago about following a snow plow during a snow storm,
The snow plow driver then said, " That was great what her father had told her... but, he was now done with the K-MART parking lot, and it was fine if she wanted to follow him to do the WAL-MART parking lot.
January 2, 2006 7:30 AM
START THE POLITICAL YEAR OFF WITH A CHUCKLE -- BEST LINES OF 2005
The Quorum Report /Daily Buzz ^ | January 2, 2006 | Harvey Kronberg,
What if the "Hokey Pokey" really is what it's all about?
He allows us the freedom to do what he wants us to do. (a House member referring to the Speaker's management style)
The time to kill a snake is when you have the hoe in your hand. (Rep. Fred Hill, urging members to kill a bill)
The longer you have to look at the ugly baby, the harder it is to love it (close your eyes and vote 'aye')
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it. (Upton Sinclair)
The proctologist called...they found your head
If the shoe fits, steal it (Jim Davis)
Power corrupts. Isn't that's what it's for?
No sum***** ever stopped being one just 'cause you pointed out that's what he is. (Ferrell Sams)
Regardless of whether or not we knew what we were doing, we did it. (Sen. Rodney Ellis)
The lack of intelligence in this room is palpable
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal
No one knows what the bill does, but we're pretty sure it's bad (Sen. Rodney Ellis)
"It's like rolling a body out of the morgue and saying this is going to be our wide receiver" (Speaker Tom Craddick)
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. (Howard Aiken)
Just a quick observation, when people don't want to play the blame game, they're to blame. (Jon Stewart)
The thought of it makes you want to poke out your mind's eye
She's beyond bi-polar...she's tri-polar (Pat Maines)
That's what happens when you put a casket salesman and his soothsayer in charge of what is really a very simple task (Les Brown)
Don't go buy your Cadillac yet (your good fortune is not yet assured) (Judy Roach)
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
"I've already yielded more than a cheerleader at a drive-in." (Sen. Kel
We are using fingerprints & face prints. Pretty soon we are going to be using butt prints. (Rep. Garnet Coleman)
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is because you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery & Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. (Molly Ivins)
ROBIN WILLIAMS QUOTES
"God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus."
"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again.""
"We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but **** us off, and we'll bomb your cities."
"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."
"Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”."
"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."
"My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."
"I like my wine like my women -- ready to pass out."
"Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"When in doubt, go for the dick joke."
A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some broccoli. The waiter said, ''Sorry, there's no broccoli.''
So the man asked for a meat pie and broccoli. The waiter said, "There is no broccoli."
So he asked for a meat pie, chips, and broccoli. The waiter replied, ''Spell cat, as in catastrophe.''
''C-A-T,'' the man answered.
The waiter then asked, ''Spell dog as in dogmatic.''
The man said ''D-O-G.''
''Now spell ****, as in broccoli,'' the waiter said.
The man yelled ''THERE'S NO **** IN BROCCOLI!''
The waiter laughed, ''EXACTLY!!"
True story from Sweden.......
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. Their downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love, so he asked the wife to move out and told her that he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow shaft of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back with his new girl and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything -- cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home -- including the curtain rods!
There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly, the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests the electronics of the car be removed down to its parts and then try to trace where a fault line might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that may be the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windos, get out, get back in, open the windows again?!" Maybe it'll work?!"
SCAM IN AUSTRALIA
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks. The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to read!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding? What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send me $2,500, I'll get him in the class. "
His father sends the money.
But the boy has a problem.? At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.? This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue
was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.? Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a ***** before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad."
What Bird Brings Babies?
Little Johnny says "Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?"
His mom says, "Why, a stork, little Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?"
His mom says, "A raven, dear."
Little Johnny then says, "Then what kind of bird brings no babies at
His mom says, "A swallow!"