I have read & reread this post, & I keep turning it over in my head, trying to find the right answers, & what I keep coming back to is that there simply isn't enough information to give you truly helpful advice. I'm going to break your post into pieces & give you my thoughts & questions as I go along.
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Originally Posted by
Midgetcakes
Okay. So my husband and I have been together for 5 years, married 2 of those years as of April 5.
Before I go any further, between reading this statement & your profile, it means you were married at 18, which is tough. You started out a major, lifelong commitment when you were very young & probably had some growing to do.
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I have a common problem most wives have... Separation.
Do you mean that the problem is the actual time of the separation? The communication during separation? Or, based on the later part of your post, the trust during the times you are separated?
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I have been with my husband since his 9th grade year of high school, now we are wanting to start a family, but not too soon. He is wanting a kid by next year.
Next year is pretty soon at this point. And what's the rush? Why the imposed time limit of next year? You'll both likely be young, healthy & fertile after 2010, so what's his impetus to have a baby before next year, especially if you're not 100% on board with it, which it sounds like you're not. I know you've been together a long time, so having a child may seem like the next logical step after several years & marriage, but there's no going back from adding to your family, so there should be no doubt in either of your minds that you're ready for that kind of responsibility before you try to conceive.
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But before we decide to have a family, I want our trust to go up.
Does he also have problems trusting you? You say "our trust", so do you mean that you are both suspicious of each other? If you are, then you're withholding parts of yourselves from each other, because it's nearly impossible to be completely open & vulnerable with someone you don't feel trust with. Or do you solely have problems trusting him? Has he given you reason to distrust him?
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its kind of hard to trust him, I don't know why. He likes attention. He was attention deprived as a child. As far as I know he has never let another women touch him or anything.
What I read into this is that he likes to flirt, am I right? He likes the attention of women? I suppose you could just mean that he enjoys being the center of attention no matter the situation, but my gut tells me that's not what you're getting at. If I'm right, & that's what you mean, then I wonder if it's something you guys have talked about as a couple, & if you are living up to the same standards to which you want to hold him.
I, personally, am pretty hard-line about what's appropriate in marriage, & I don't think that it's appropriate, harmless, or healthy to flirt with people other than your spouse. It begins to blur the boundaries of what's acceptable, both in thought & behavior, & it encourages jealousy (And I come at this from a religious perspective, where the Bible says that love is not jealous, so a spouse should not be doing anything that sows the seeds of jealousy in his or her partner.). You both should be getting your emotional & physical gratification from each other, & this leads into your next statement:
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Recently he has been telling me "You are not supportive" and I have tried to be supportive.
This really gets to the meat of the problem. Those four words are likely the lynchpin of what's going on in your marriage, but they could mean so many things. Does he feel that he has dreams & desires, either personal or professional, that you're crushing or dismissing? Does he have a need for affirmative words that you're not meeting? (If you've never read it, pick up a copy of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's a quick read & very helpful to discovering your spouse's particular need for love/support.) Does he feel that you're not pulling your weight in the house, either financially or in chores/work?
The answers to those questions determine the kind of advice that would most benefit you, IMO. There are so many ways that he might feel unsupported that if you are not hitting the right wickets, he'll continue to feel an emotional absence from you while you'll think that you're "trying harder", & you'll both wind up burning out before you make any improvements. How are you trying to be more supportive? Are the things that you're doing the things that you think are supportive, or are they things that he's mentioned, that are meaningful to him? It's easy to look at things through your own lens of wants & needs, but to truly support your spouse, there's a large degree of perspective-taking necessary to meet his needs.
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I need some advice from marine wives who have been for a while. I'm pretty sure I am not the only one who has this problem. So how can I show him more love, be more supportive, and stop this speration anxiety?
I can't say I've been "for a while", really. In 5 days we'll celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary, & this summer will mark 6 years since we met, & in the stage play of our lives, this is just the first scene in the first act, but I can say with honesty that I've had a lot of learning to do about just the kinds of things you've been asking, as has my husband, so I feel my qualifications for giving you advice come more from the quality of the lessons learned (and some of them have been bitter, difficult ones to learn, but oh-so-necessary & beneficial) than from the time in which I've had to learn them.
There's no right answer for every marriage, because you're married to your husband, who has a unique set of needs & desires from anyone else's husband, & to best love him, support him, & trust him, you need to learn his heart & make those needs & desires your first priority, above & beyond anything else in your life.
