Need advice from parents, please!

[asherdasher114]

So, here's a my situation...
I am joining the Marines (Intelligence), one of my step-sisters is joining the Air Force (Avionics), and the other step-sister is joining the Navy (Corpsman). It just so happened that we all told our parents (yes, I consider my step-dad more of a dad than my real father) within 24 hours. Talk about overload!
My mom isn't exactly happy about my joining, but she is understanding and 100% supportive. My step-dad on the other hand is very anti-military and thinks that all three of us are going to be dodging bullets in Afganistan. Needless to say, he is not taking this very well. Every time I talk to my mom, she is understanding and just asks normal questions, but pretty much as soon as I get off the phone with her, my step-dad puts all these terrible ideas in her head again. Then she calls me back later frantic again, then I have to explain the whole thing to her again.
My question to you, as parents of Marines, is there anything that made you truly accept your child's choice, or did it not happen until they went to boot camp? I'm trying to figure out what to say to my step-dad to make him stop freaking out.

Thanks
Ashley

[tdrt]

Don't know if there is anything you can say to him. He's only going to believe what he wants to believe no matter what you say, and he has chosen to only believe the worse. And since he is anti-military, there is probably absolutely nothing you can say or do. His choice.

Just keep mom calm. Explain as many times as SHE needs to hear it.

[Bdchi1]

Ashley...your question regarding parental "accept"ance is complicated. I would be honored and proud if one of my boys made the decision you and I did. I would do my best to push ("strongly encourage") college on them first and then ask them to re-evaluate their desire to go in the Corps.

As a parent I would really have two issues with "accept"ance. First, as stated above, I would be proud that I 'spawned' a young person ready to give for his country. Second, I would be horrified at the prospect of losing a child.

As a parent, I think of my children's futures with educations, wives, grandchildren, great jobs, and the American dream without hostility. It is naive, but it is how I think about them, and it is how my wife and I make decisions now regarding their futures. I don't, however, ever think about them in the Marines or any military. I don't think about them taking the life of an enemy. I don't think about them experiencing the most horrific scenarios that war creates.

So, it would be a very sobering conversation with one of my boys if they came to me with this topic. I would never tell them not to do it, but I can assure you that my protective nature as a parent would be in conflict with the pride I would have in their decision to become a Marine. Ultimately, support would be given after any decision they made.

For you, it will be a long time before you appreciate the magnitude of this "accept"ance about which you are inquiring. There is nothing that you can say to consule your step-dad in this situation. If he is the father figure that you say he is, then he will worry sick about you but support you long after you enter the Corps and EAS healthy and ready to give him some grandkids.

You need to stay focused on your life and future, and make the decisions you need to make. That is your priority. Your second priority is to be as positive about your decision and be very understanding to the pride and anguish your parents are experiencing over their entire family deciding to go in the service during such hostile times.

All decisions make impacts: some more good than others.

I hope this helps you in your endeavors. If I were you, I would be more focused on getting over the whole shin-splints issue.

[hussaf]

Understand that there is some element of risk in any MOS you pick in the military...have no illusions about that. With that, realize you could get struck by lightning walking out of the house in them morning or hit by a drunk driver on your way to a job at Starbucks. I was in Chicago for a weekend and more people were killed there than in the AO I was in in Iraq for seven months (23...however it was some kind of record in Chicago).

Your step dad has been guiding you as you grow up and helping you make decisions....When someone has this kind of relationship with a young person, they are often of the belief that the young person (you) isn't always capable of thinking decisions through and needs help/guidance when making important choices (do your limited life experience). Combine that with his lack of military knowledge and you can see he probably thinks he is preventing you from making a choice you will regret about to do something you don't fully understand (trust me...military life will be nothing like what you expect...not necessarily better or worse...just different). Anyway, pretty much everyone I grew up with were pro military..so I can't empathize too much with that aspect of your problem...but I do know its important to try and understand specific motivations behind another's argument against your decision.
all the best to you and your step sister,
Adam

[USNAviator]

Hi Ashley

It's Dan, we've sent a few PM's back and forth. As the father of two daughters, 24 and 26 I'd be proud and honored if either or both decided to serve. In fact I encouraged them to do so but it simply didn't "take"

I think having all three of you hit him with the news in such a short time might have overwhelmed the man. As for his being anti-military well, we no longer can afford to have such a viewpoint in this country.Our sworn enemies will do all they can to destroy our way of life.

If not the three of you, would he prefer three others to take your places? I think not.

Ashley, he'll adapt and overcome this situation, he has no choice. Give him time, keep him informed, tell him you'll be getting the best training in the world. Does he have a problem with your two step-sisters as well? Or just with you and the Marines?

Young lady, I'm familiar with your road to this place in your life. I have no doubt in my mind that you are going to succeed and be one hell of a Marine!!! And give your two step-sisters a big thank you for stepping up and serving our country. So many sit idly by and do nothing but enjoy our freedoms, they take but give nothing.

Carry on smartly Ashley and best of luck!!

Dan

[asherdasher114]

The shin splints are a work in progress and they will be gone by the time I leave for boot camp! They are my number 1 priority right now.

Thank you all for your responses, they are much appreciated.

I understand that this is very hard on him, and all three of us telling him on the same day was unintentional. I brought up the idea of the military to my family last July, but they told me to give grad school a try before I made any decisions that I would regret. Becoming a Marine is something I have thought long and hard about. I know that I can't truly understand how he is feeling, but right now he won't even talk to me. I know it is a lot to take in, and that going from a family with no military background, to being a family with children in 3 different branches is a huge transition. I just wish that I could have a conversation with him about it. My mom is taking it 100 times better than I expected her too, considering I am her only child.

My family is very important to me, and although I know that my step dad supports me (even though he's not very happy about my decision), it is still harder than I thought to not be able to talk to him about it.

The one good thing about having a family with no military background, is I am not getting questioned about choosing the Marines over the other branches. At this point, all three of us are receiving equal non-acceptance.

[hussaf]

For shin splints rub a smooth rock across the blade edge of your shins (which is likely where it hurts). THis makes them go away rather quickly.

[Lisa 23]

Ashley...
Just be sure to give your shin splints rest! You really don't want this turning into something more serious "before" you even get to boot camp or while you're in boot camp.


What are shin splints (http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/shin-splints)?

Shin splints are a condition that causes pain and sometimes swelling in the front part of the lower leg (shin) (http://www.webmd.com/hw-popup/shin-splints) http://img.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/media/interface/camera.gif (http://www.webmd.com/hw-popup/shin-splints). The pain is most likely from repeated stress on the shin bone (tibia) and the tissue that connects the muscle to the tibia. They are common in people who run or jog. Activities where you run or jump on hard surfaces, such as basketball or tennis, can also lead to this painful condition.


What causes shin splints?



Most people get shin splints from repeated pounding on hard surfaces during activities such as running, basketball, or tennis. You can also get them when you:

Change to new running or workout (http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/default.htm) shoes or wear shoes that don't have enough support. This can happen when you wear your shoes too long and they wear out.
Run or walk on a different surface than you are used to. For example, you might get shin splints when you switch from running on a trail to concrete or asphalt.
Work out harder than usual or train too hard or too fast instead of working up to a training level gradually.
Some people have flat arches in their feet, which can make the feet roll inward when running. This may also lead to shin splints.


What are the symptoms?

Most people with shin splints feel pain on the front lower part of the leg. Some people have mild swelling too.

When you first notice the pain, it may just be at the start of your workout and feel like a dull ache or soreness. If left untreated, the pain can become sharper and last until you stop exercising. In severe cases, the pain can continue even after you finish your workout.


How are shin splints diagnosed?

Your doctor will be able to tell if you have shin splints by talking to you about your symptoms and examining you. He or she may do an X-ray (http://www.webmd.com/hw-popup/x-ray) to rule out other conditions, such as a stress fracture (http://www.webmd.com/hw-popup/stress-fracture).


How are they treated?


In many cases you can use home treatment to help relieve pain and swelling from shin splints.

Rest is often the best treatment for shin splints. This doesn't mean that you have to stop exercising. The idea is that you can exercise as long as it isn't painful. You may need to avoid high-impact activities like running until you feel better, or at least cut back on how often and how long you run. As you recover, it may help if you:

Choose low-impact activities such as swimming (http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/features/fitness-basics-swimming-is-for-everyone) or cycling instead of, or in combination with, running.
Run or exercise only on soft surfaces, such as dirt or grass.
Run on level ground and avoid hills.
Reduce your speed and distance when you run.

Ice helps to reduce pain and swelling. Apply the ice or cold pack for 10 to 20 minutes, 3 or more times a day.
Elevate your lower leg on pillows while you apply ice and anytime you sit or lie down. Try to keep your lower leg at or above the level of your heart (http://www.webmd.com/heart/picture-of-the-heart) to help minimize swelling.
Stretching (http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/tc/fitness-flexibility) exercises, such as heel cord (http://www.webmd.com/hw-popup/calf-stretch) http://img.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/media/interface/camera.gif (http://www.webmd.com/hw-popup/calf-stretch) stretches, may also help.
You may also try over-the-counter (http://www.webmd.com/hw-popup/nonprescription-medications) medicine. For example, ibuprofen (http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-5166-Ibuprofen+Oral.aspx?drugid=5166&drugname=Ibuprofen+Oral) (such as Advil or Motrin (http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-4387-Motrin+Oral.aspx?drugid=4387&drugname=Motrin+Oral)) or naproxen (http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-5173-Naproxen+Oral.aspx?drugid=5173&drugname=Naproxen+Oral) (such as Aleve (http://www.webmd.com/drugs/mono-1289-NAPROXEN+-+ORAL.aspx?drugid=1098&drugname=Aleve+Oral)) can help relieve pain and swelling. Acetaminophen (http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-362-acetaminophen+oral.aspx) (such as Tylenol (http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-7076-Tylenol+Oral.aspx?drugid=7076&drugname=Tylenol+Oral)) helps with pain.

Ask your doctor if strengthening and range-of-motion (http://www.webmd.com/hw-popup/range-of-motion) exercises are right for you.

After you feel better, don't go back to your old exercise routine too quickly. Start slowly, and little by little increase how often and how long you work out. If you start out too fast, your pain may come back.


Can shin splints be prevented?


There are things you can do to help prevent shin splints.

Start slowly when you try a new activity. For example, if you are new to running, increase the distance and pace of your run over several weeks.
Wear shoes that fit your foot right. And don't work out in shoes that are worn out.
If you have flat feet, you may try a shoe insert to give you more support and cushion the impact of exercising on hard surfaces.
If you are a runner, try cross-training with a low-impact sport, such as swimming or cycling.
http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/shin-splints-topic-overview

[Lynn2]

Joining the military is an adult decision. It may in fact be the first real adult decision many of us make.

I suggest you take this opportunity and make this decision like an adult.

Its not your step dads decision nor life. And all he has to do is live with the fear that something will happen to one of the 3 of you.

But you want him to buy in more. You want him to live with the fact that if you come home in a body bag that decision you made will be his decision also.

How selfish.

Save him and your Mom having to live with that thought for the rest of their lives if on the rare chance some thing does happen to you.

My son served. But it was totally his decision. What service and what mos/rate was going to be totally up to him.

I would offer answers to questions he had. I never made a recommendation or said I agreed with any of his choices. (OK truth be told I was praying he went to the Academy) They were his choices not mine. And he was the one that was going to have to live with those decisions.

If the worst did happen. I did not want his blood on my hands.

Do the same for your parents.

[DevsDad]

Scan...scan...scan...yep topic was advice from PARENTS. OK now that Ive got that straight.
Ashley, it is your decision period. Yes, it would be great to have both parents blessing but if you truly feel the call to duty then you need to follow through with your convictions. Thats the way our son put it to us..."this is what I feel I need to do and I would like your blessing but I'm going". We asked why the Marines... "because I want to be the best". Cant argue with that. Scarey... you bet...open 03 contract.

It sounds like your folks have a lot to absorb with all that is going on. Just stay the course about YOU... what YOU want and it will be OK.

One more thing... the blood on the hands thing bothers me.. I think that was an uncalled for remark. So .. if I supported me son's decision.. and God forbid the worst happens.. it is somehow my fault? I dont think so. FREEDOM IS NOT FREE. Our son knows that..it's why he became a Marine.

[USNAviator]

"It sounds like your folks have a lot to absorb with all that is going on. Just stay the course about YOU... what YOU want and it will be OK."

Outstanding!! Great advice. Too many people live for their parents and not for themselves. They later regret and resent all that has transpired

Dan

[Cudadad]

Your decision to enlist means they have been voluntold to join the ranks parents of those who serve.
Knowledge is key them accepting your decision. One book I would recommend is "Keeping Faith by Frank Schaeffer" A must-read for recruit parents. Encourage them to join in this message board and ask questions. Other web site like navyformoms.com and MarineParents.com are excellent resources as well.

Good luck in your choice and I look forward to seeing you achieve the title Marine.

[Lynn2]

"One more thing... the blood on the hands thing bothers me.. I think that was an uncalled for remark. So .. if I supported me son's decision.. and God forbid the worst happens.. it is somehow my fault? I dont think so. ...."

As you said. It was advice from parents that was asked for. And that is what I gave. My advice....not your advice....and I gave no advice to you.

But the advice I gave was from a parent who was a combat vet in a unit with over 40% KIA/WIA, and who also has a kid in the family coming back from AStan as we speak. 5 or 6 trips to the ME so far among the two youngens......and counting.

I know first hand what deploying to a war zone can mean for parent and child. I know first hand what the last 45 years have been like for a few parents that lost kids in my war.

Like you said..."I don't think so..." So for you that advice is not spot on. Even though that advice was not meant for you.

For me as a combat vet that was the way I approached it when I had kids of my own joining. And that is the advice I give to kids that are so determined to have their parents buy in to the decision they want to make.

I was not going to suggest that my son do this or that. Why? Because I did not want "his blood on my hands". His decision was going to be his decision. And no ones elses.

I was never going to wake up in the middle of the night , in a cold sweat, wondering why I encouraged or supported his decision.

Adults make their own decisions.

[asherdasher114]

Thank you for all of your responses! My mom took the news much better than I expected, after just one day she was 110% supportive and interested in what I have to do to prepare. I think my step dad is going to take a little more time. He said he is not happy about any of our decisions, but will support us. I found that by providing my parents with a couple of websites, one of them was the marineparents.com that cudadad recommended, and a very nice pdf file from the PI website, my mom really felt like I had done my research and was ready to be proud of my decision.
I am 23, and joining the Marines was not a decision I made lightly. I had thought about it for about 10 months before I decided to enlist. The reason I finally made that decision was for many of the reasons you, as parents, have stated; I needed to stop living for my family (specifically grandma) and do something for myself. And that is exactly how I approached it when I told my mom. I also found it better to wait until after I already signed papers and had all my ducks in a row before telling her. That's just the way my family is; if you don't have your sh*t together, you will get torn apart.

[Lynn2]

DevsDad, one other quick point.

Ashleys dad is terrified of her joining. And of course it was Ashely who I was advising.

How do you think he will feel if he gives in and joins this decision of hers if something bad happens later on?

Do you think he will spout bumper sticker slogans about freedom or do you think he will wake up each morning for the next 40 years guilt ridden wondering what he could have done to prevent it?

[foreverproud]

Ashley,

Talk ...never, never fight. Provide your parents with as much information about your choice as you can. There is nothing wrong with asking for your parents support. You may or you may not receive their approval/support and if your step-father finds it hard to understand your choice right now ... so be it. If his disapproval comes from love and concern ... well ... its just his fear for your safety that he is able to express right now. Give him time ... eventually I believe he will be very proud having three daughters who have made the decision to serve.

It is, of course an adult decision and you must own your decision as truly your own. If you waver in your choice because of family disapproval or fear then I would say you would need to rethink your motovation.

As far as my own situation, I was never fearful for my son, but did stress the point that I thought it was important that he was sure ... I guess a parent finds it hard to believe that anyone 18 years old can be 100% sure of anything. As it turned out joining the Marines was the one thing he was 100% sure he wanted to do. He has always had our support and I can state with 100% certainty that I have never regretted giving him my support nor will I ever.

Give your step-dad time and keep him and your mom informed.

The very best to you and your sisters.

[LHMHMOM]

As a lot of posts have suggested, the websites and books are great for parents. I read everything that I could get my hands on when my son decided to join. I also watched anything that I could find on the military channel that had anything to do with the Marines.

But the thing that helped me the most was talking to the recruiters and other parents. After talking to the recruiters my thought was "if my son turns out to be like these men then this will be wonderful for him". The recruiters put me in touch with a local parents support group. After spending some time with Marine parents I couldn't wait to be one myself. Your parents may never get to that point but there is nothing that can compare to talking to others who have been there. They know exactly how your parents feel because they had the same feelings themselves. Talk to your recruiter and see if you have access to a local support group. If not, the recruiters might know other parents who would be willing to meet your parents and talk to them.

The worst thing for me was talking to people (family mostly) who had not experienced having a child decide to join the military. They mean well but they just don't get it. It was very sad for me when I realized that my family couldn't understand why I was so proud and excited for my son.

Good luck!! It sounds like your parents are already coming around so I'm sure they will be fine.

[Gator347]

Amen, on the best person to speak with parents is the "Recruiter". My son's recruiter was awesome.

We thought my son was going to go USAF or Air Guard because his JROTC unit was USAF. Iraq was ugly at that time.

When my son told us that his recruiter was coming over and would be there in an hour, I thought my wife (Step-Mom) was going to @#$% but the recruiter was nothing but smooth. Heck, after he was finished, I wanted to go:evilgrin:

Now, my son's Mom did everything to stop him. Turns out, instead, my son talked his Step-Brother into joining the Corps:D

Just let your Step-Dad try to be anything but proud on Graduation Day. There is nothing like MCRD on that day:yes: