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ameriken
03-17-10, 01:08 PM
ATM Machine


MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.



FEMALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.<!-- google_ad_section_end -->
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ameriken
03-17-10, 01:10 PM
What men say and what they really mean......

Any situation

<TABLE border=1></TD><TBODY><TR><TD>I'm hungry </TD><TD>I'm hungry </TD><TR><TD>I'm sleepy </TD><TD>I'm sleepy </TD><TR><TD>I'm tired </TD><TD>I'm tired </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

A one-on-one situation

<TABLE border=1><TBODY><TR><TD>Do you want to go to a movie? </TD><TD>I'd eventually like to have sex with you. </TD><TR><TD>Can I take you out to dinner? </TD><TD>I'd eventually like to have sex with you. </TD><TR><TD>Can I call you sometime? </TD><TD>I'd eventually like to have sex with you. </TD><TR><TD>May I have this dance? </TD><TD>I'd eventually like to have sex with you. </TD><TR><TD>Nice dress! </TD><TD>Nice cleavage </TD><TR><TD>You look tense, let me give you a massage </TD><TD>I want to fondle you.</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>


In a group

<TABLE border=1></TD><TBODY><TR><TD>Anyone want to go eat? </TD><TD>I want to go eat </TD><TR><TD>Who wants to see this movie? </TD><TD>Do we have to see this movie? </TD><TR><TD>Who wants to see this movie? </TD><TD>Doesn't anyone else want to see this movie?</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>


Already trapped in a "relationship"

<TABLE border=1><TBODY><TR><TD>What's wrong? </TD><TD>I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this. </TD><TR><TD>What's wrong? </TD><TD>What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? </TD><TR><TD>What's wrong? </TD><TD>Oh no! Not again! </TD><TR><TD>What's wrong? </TD><TD>WHAT IS IT NOW? </TD><TR><TD>What's wrong? </TD><TD>Quit whining! </TD><TR><TD>What's wrong? </TD><TD>I guess sex tonight is out of the question. </TD><TR><TD>Yes dear </TD><TD>*****! </TD><TR><TD>I'm bored </TD><TD>Do you want to have sex? </TD><TR><TD>I love you </TD><TD>Let's have sex now. </TD><TR><TD>I love you too </TD><TD>Now why did you have to say that, it makes my stomach turn. </TD><TR><TD></TD><TR><TD>Yes, I missed you </TD><TD>How else do you expect me to answer that? </TD><TR><TD>And how I missed you </TD><TD>*****! </TD><TR><TD>Answering to her "Did you think that girl was pretty" question </TD><TR><TD>She was alright </TD><TD>If an elephant came into the room, would I not see it? </TD><TR><TD>Sure, let's go see that play </TD><TD>I don't want to go, but you'll make my life miserable if I don't go. </TD><TR><TD>Yes, I like the way you cut your hair </TD><TR><TD></TD><TD>I liked it better before. </TD><TR><TD></TD><TD>50 bucks and it doesn't look that much different! </TD><TR><TD></TD><TD>For 50 bucks they should have given you more hair instead of taking some away. </TD><TR><TD>Let's talk </TD><TD>I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. </TD><TR><TD>Hello, FTD? I'd like to send some flowers to my girlfriend/wife... </TD><TD>This ought to shut her up for a while at the expense of some humiliation from my male peers. </TD><TR><TD></TD><TD>This ought to secure sex with her tonight! </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>


While shopping

<TABLE border=1><TBODY><TR><TD>I like that one better </TD><TD>Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! </TD><TR><TD>I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together </TD><TD>I am gay </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>



Suicide

<TABLE border=1><TBODY><TR><TD>Will you marry me? </TD><TD>I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. </TD><TR><TD></TD><TD>I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks" </TD><TR><TD></TD><TD>I don't want to have "talks" over the phone anymore. </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>



General

<TABLE border=1><TBODY><TR><TD>I really want to get to know you better </TD><TD>...so I can tell my friends about it </TD><TR><TD>How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? </TD><TD>Is my penis really that small? </TD><TR><TD>You're the only girl I've ever cared about </TD><TD>You are the only girl who has not rejected me </TD><TR><TD>I want you back </TD><TD>...for tonight anyway </TD><TR><TD>We've been through so much together </TD><TD>If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity </TD><TR><TD>I miss you so much </TD><TD>I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good </TD><TR><TD>No, I do not want to dance right now </TD><TD>Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on </TD><TR><TD>The break-up should not start for another 24 hours </TD><TD>I want to have sex a few more times </TD><TR><TD>I am different from all the other guys </TD><TD>I am not circumsized </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>




What women say and what they really mean...

<TABLE border=1><TBODY><TR><TD>We need </TD><TD>I want</TD><TR><TD>It's your decision </TD><TD>The correct decision should be obvious by now</TD><TR><TD>Do what you want </TD><TD>You'll pay for this later</TD><TR><TD>We need to talk </TD><TD>I need to complain</TD><TR><TD>Sure...go ahead </TD><TD>I don't want you to.</TD><TR><TD>I'm not upset </TD><TD>Of course I'm upset, you moron.</TD><TR><TD>You're...so manly </TD><TD>You need a shave and you sweat a lot.</TD><TR><TD>You're certainly attentive tonight. </TD><TD>Is sex all you ever think about?</TD><TR><TD>I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! </TD><TD>I'm on my period.</TD><TR><TD></TD><TR><TD>Be romantic, turn out the lights. </TD><TD>I have flabby thighs.</TD><TR><TD>Hang the picture there </TD><TD>No, I mean hang it there!</TD><TR><TD>I heard a noise </TD><TD>I noticed you were almost asleep.</TD><TR><TD>Do you love me? </TD><TD>I'm going to ask for something expensive.</TD><TR><TD>How much do you love me? </TD><TD>I did something today you're really not going to like..</TD><TR><TD>I'll be ready in a minute. </TD><TD>Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. </TD><TR><TD>Is my butt fat? </TD><TD>Tell me I'm beautiful.</TD><TR><TD>You have to learn to communicate. </TD><TD>Just agree with me.</TD><TR><TD>Are you listening to me!? </TD><TD>[Too late, you're dead.]</TD><TR><TD>Yes </TD><TD>No</TD><TR><TD>No </TD><TD>No</TD><TR><TD>Maybe </TD><TD>No</TD><TR><TD>I'm sorry. </TD><TD>You'll be sorry.</TD><TR><TD>I'm not yelling! </TD><TD>Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

<TABLE border=1><TBODY><TR><TD>The same old thing. </TD><TD>Nothing.</TD><TR><TD>Nothing. </TD><TD>Everything.</TD><TR><TD>Everything. </TD><TD>My PMS is acting up.</TD><TR><TD>Nothing, really. </TD><TD>It's just that you're such an *******.</TD><TR><TD>I don't want to talk about it. </TD><TD>Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.</TD><TR><TD></TD><TR><TD>Can't we just be friends? </TD><TD>There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.</TD><TR><TD>I just need some space </TD><TD>...without you in it</TD><TR><TD>Can you help me with my homework? </TD><TD>If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.</TD><TR><TD>Do I look fat in this dress? </TD><TD>We haven't had a fight in a while</TD><TR><TD>No, pizza's fine </TD><TD>Cheap bastard</TD><TR><TD>I just do not want a boyfriend now </TD><TD>I just do not want (you as a) boyfriend</TD><TR><TD>I don't know; what do you want to do </TD><TD>I can't believe that you have nothing planned</TD><TR><TD>I don't really mind where we eat </TD><TD>....As long as it's the place I've already decided on</TD><TR><TD>I like you but... </TD><TD>I don't like you</TD><TR><TD>You never listen </TD><TD>You never listen</TD><TR><TD>We're moving too quickly </TD><TD>I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend</TD><TR><TD>I'll be ready in a minute </TD><TD>I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.</TD><TR><TD>Oh Yes! Right there </TD><TD>Well, near there; I just want to get this over with</TD><TR><TD>I'm just going out with the girls </TD><TD>We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends</TD><TR><TD>There's no one else </TD><TD>I am doing your brother</TD><TR><TD>Size doesn't count... </TD><TD>unless I want an orgasm</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

SGT7477
03-17-10, 01:29 PM
Pretty darn good,lol, Semper Fidelis.

tdrt
03-17-10, 01:33 PM
bite me

Integrity57
03-17-10, 02:00 PM
Hmmm...that one isn't on the list, can anyone interpet? lol

tdrt
03-17-10, 02:07 PM
"Bite me" interpretation: "You're most likely right, but I will never admit it. And I am amused; however again, I will never let you know that."

Integrity57
03-17-10, 02:10 PM
Thank you ma'am lol.

GSEMarine94
03-17-10, 02:53 PM
Friggin hillarious...:D

Marine84
03-17-10, 05:58 PM
HAHAHA! Anybody know how men and linolium are alike? If you lay 'em right, you can walk all over 'em for life.

ameriken
03-17-10, 09:20 PM
HAHAHA! Anybody know how men and linolium are alike? If you lay 'em right, you can walk all over 'em for life.

LMAO :D

tdrt
03-18-10, 08:34 AM
HAHAHA! Anybody know how men and linolium are alike? If you lay 'em right, you can walk all over 'em for life.

I love it! That is too funny and yet so true at the same time!