thedrifter
08-10-03, 06:59 AM
08-07-2003
Guest Column: New Solution for Troops in Iraq
By Don Monkerud
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld plans to tell Congress on Monday that he
sees “no end” to the U.S. military occupation of Iraq, and will argue that ongoing American control will prove that “our country is better than those other bums” who refused to assist in the war.
Rumsfeld reportedly will refuse to discuss a timetable for withdrawing from Iraq but will pledge that the troops will stay as long as they need to “and not a century longer.”
“We have decided to leave the troops in Iraq until they retire or turn 70, whichever comes first,” Rumsfeld reportedly told aides as he finished a new policy paper to be sent to Congress. “If the war is ever over, we will retire them to a small plot of land in the Iraqi desert, which will by itself save our government enough money to give the rich another tax cut.”
In Washington, D.C., plans are being made for a “Wives and Families” retirement party in Iraq in 2064. “We love our husbands, but bringing them home could cause complications with certain new acquaintances we have made in their absence,” said Jane Prettymouth, spokeswoman for Fundamentalist Christian Wives. Others hope their husbands will simply forget about them by retirement age, but keep sending their checks, including the new $14.95 monthly combat pay supplement.
Rumsfeld reportedly blames occupation miscalculations on the CIA for what he called “standard” intelligence lapses. “At one time we thought we could bring our boys and girls home in six months, but it looks like there’s more oil there than Halliburton can pump out in our lifetimes.”
Some war supporters have called for rounding up unemployed single mothers
and shipping them to Iraq to stabilize a situation that is quickly getting out of hand. “We need to send our toughest welfare moms to Iraqi,” said Jimmy Lafferting, chairman of the Christian Seniors Assoc. “Everyone hates these leeches, and think of the tax money we will save.”
Rumsfeld is increasingly under pressure to “take the fall,” as one White House source put it, for the boggled attempt to bring order to Iraq. Meanwhile President Bush is praying and reading the Bible. “I am absolutely confident that Halliburton will make a profit in Iraq, despite our failure to find Elmo – or was it nuclear weapons?” Bush said.
Recently, other countries have pledged troops. Newly-formed countries such as Oz and Fairyland have sent a dozen troops, evidence, Bush said, “of continuing world support of our ignorable efforts.”
Some critics protested turning Islamic mosques in Iraq over to the Mormon Church, but Senator Orrin Hatch, R-UT, said church zealots are tough. “We have millions of unwanted missionaries around the world who will continue to knock on doors until they drop.”
Rumsfeld reportedly will tell Congress that mid-year spending for maintaining troops in Iraq has doubled to include $3.9 billion a month in payments to President Bush's top fundraiser, Kenny Lay, to advise the Iraqi [??] government on building a giant “Ruins of Civilization” amusement park on the outskirts of Baghdad. Concessions for the multi-trillion dollar complex include “What Happened to the Money?” a game that will feature retired U.S. workers guessing what happened to their Social Security, Medicare and pensions.
“I woke up this morning and saw the question of how long our troops would be in Iraq in a new prism,” Rumsfeld reportedly told his aides. “I saw a new tower on the mall, taller than the Washington Monument, round, in a comforting shade of pink, with my name on it!”
Just kidding. I hope.
Don Monkerud is a columnist and author based in Aptos, Calif. He can be reached at monkerud@cruzio.com.
http://www.sftt.org/cgi-bin/csNews/csNews.cgi?database=DefenseWatch.db&command=viewone&op=t&id=164&rnd=405.29596994374714
Sempers,
Roger
:marine:
Guest Column: New Solution for Troops in Iraq
By Don Monkerud
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld plans to tell Congress on Monday that he
sees “no end” to the U.S. military occupation of Iraq, and will argue that ongoing American control will prove that “our country is better than those other bums” who refused to assist in the war.
Rumsfeld reportedly will refuse to discuss a timetable for withdrawing from Iraq but will pledge that the troops will stay as long as they need to “and not a century longer.”
“We have decided to leave the troops in Iraq until they retire or turn 70, whichever comes first,” Rumsfeld reportedly told aides as he finished a new policy paper to be sent to Congress. “If the war is ever over, we will retire them to a small plot of land in the Iraqi desert, which will by itself save our government enough money to give the rich another tax cut.”
In Washington, D.C., plans are being made for a “Wives and Families” retirement party in Iraq in 2064. “We love our husbands, but bringing them home could cause complications with certain new acquaintances we have made in their absence,” said Jane Prettymouth, spokeswoman for Fundamentalist Christian Wives. Others hope their husbands will simply forget about them by retirement age, but keep sending their checks, including the new $14.95 monthly combat pay supplement.
Rumsfeld reportedly blames occupation miscalculations on the CIA for what he called “standard” intelligence lapses. “At one time we thought we could bring our boys and girls home in six months, but it looks like there’s more oil there than Halliburton can pump out in our lifetimes.”
Some war supporters have called for rounding up unemployed single mothers
and shipping them to Iraq to stabilize a situation that is quickly getting out of hand. “We need to send our toughest welfare moms to Iraqi,” said Jimmy Lafferting, chairman of the Christian Seniors Assoc. “Everyone hates these leeches, and think of the tax money we will save.”
Rumsfeld is increasingly under pressure to “take the fall,” as one White House source put it, for the boggled attempt to bring order to Iraq. Meanwhile President Bush is praying and reading the Bible. “I am absolutely confident that Halliburton will make a profit in Iraq, despite our failure to find Elmo – or was it nuclear weapons?” Bush said.
Recently, other countries have pledged troops. Newly-formed countries such as Oz and Fairyland have sent a dozen troops, evidence, Bush said, “of continuing world support of our ignorable efforts.”
Some critics protested turning Islamic mosques in Iraq over to the Mormon Church, but Senator Orrin Hatch, R-UT, said church zealots are tough. “We have millions of unwanted missionaries around the world who will continue to knock on doors until they drop.”
Rumsfeld reportedly will tell Congress that mid-year spending for maintaining troops in Iraq has doubled to include $3.9 billion a month in payments to President Bush's top fundraiser, Kenny Lay, to advise the Iraqi [??] government on building a giant “Ruins of Civilization” amusement park on the outskirts of Baghdad. Concessions for the multi-trillion dollar complex include “What Happened to the Money?” a game that will feature retired U.S. workers guessing what happened to their Social Security, Medicare and pensions.
“I woke up this morning and saw the question of how long our troops would be in Iraq in a new prism,” Rumsfeld reportedly told his aides. “I saw a new tower on the mall, taller than the Washington Monument, round, in a comforting shade of pink, with my name on it!”
Just kidding. I hope.
Don Monkerud is a columnist and author based in Aptos, Calif. He can be reached at monkerud@cruzio.com.
http://www.sftt.org/cgi-bin/csNews/csNews.cgi?database=DefenseWatch.db&command=viewone&op=t&id=164&rnd=405.29596994374714
Sempers,
Roger
:marine: