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ameriken
08-18-09, 05:25 PM
ATM Machine


MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.



FEMALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.<!-- google_ad_section_end -->

ameriken
08-18-09, 05:26 PM
Oil Change

Instructions for women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:


Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00 Total: $21.00
================================================== ==========
Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open first beer and drink it, to assess the situation.
4) Plan to jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands behind garden hoses, rakes and assorted crap. Jack up vehicle.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process, cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of storing it for recycling.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to grocery store to buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids' sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas over a bad patch of lawn.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) More beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, she makes bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:


Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!!!

ameriken
08-18-09, 05:27 PM
Showers


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN


Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.


Get in the shower.


Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.


Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.


Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.


Rinse conditioner off hair.


Shave armpits and legs.


Turn off shower.


Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.


Spray mold spots with Tile Cleaner.


Get out of shower.


Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.


Walk naked to the bathroom..


If you see partner along the way, shake penis at her making the 'woo-woo' sound..


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


Admire the size of your penis and scratch your ass.


Get in the shower.


Wash your face.


Wash your armpits.


Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.


Wash your ass, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.


Wash your hair.


Make a Shampoo Mohawk.


Pee.


Rinse off and get out of shower.


Partially dry off.


Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.


Admire penis size in mirror again.


Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.


Return to bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake your penis at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


Throw wet towel on bed.

Lisa 23
08-18-09, 05:45 PM
Showers



HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.


Walk naked to the bathroom..


If you see partner along the way, shake penis at her making the 'woo-woo' sound..


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


Admire the size of your penis and scratch your ass.


Get in the shower.


Wash your face.


Wash your armpits.


Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.


Wash your ass, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.


Wash your hair.


Make a Shampoo Mohawk.


Pee.


Rinse off and get out of shower.


Partially dry off.


Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.


Admire penis size in mirror again.


Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.


Return to bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake your penis at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.



Throw wet towel on bed.


http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l305/wmarineluvstaylor/Fun%20Smilies/wooohooo.gif http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l305/wmarineluvstaylor/Fun%20Smilies/laughing1.gif

Drafter
08-18-09, 06:48 PM
Damn I thought I deleted these chain mails in 1994.

GSEMarine94
08-18-09, 07:20 PM
Now that was hillarious :D

Marine84
08-18-09, 07:20 PM
1994?????

Damn Drafter! How fast is your computer?

Supersquishy
08-18-09, 07:22 PM
Damn I thought I deleted these chain mails in 1994.

Is that the Year internet was invented by Al Gore?

StoneTheWeak
08-18-09, 07:48 PM
Oil Change

Instructions for women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:


Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00 Total: $21.00

================================================== ==========
Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open first beer and drink it, to assess the situation.
4) Plan to jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands behind garden hoses, rakes and assorted crap. Jack up vehicle.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process, cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of storing it for recycling.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to grocery store to buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids' sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas over a bad patch of lawn.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) More beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, she makes bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:


Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00

Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!!!


A+ roflmao

Lupo22
08-18-09, 10:37 PM
My fiancee and I just read that together and it made us laugh out loud because I actually read this a while back and did that whole "woo woo" thing to her a couple times! Its great to be a man!

Why do you women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don't have balls to scratch, duh

Idena
08-19-09, 09:55 AM
There must be something wrong with me, because none of these are accurate for me. lol

Petz
08-19-09, 06:53 PM
that's 'cause who you husband is.... I'll PM him and you'll laugh when he does the shower thing to you later this week.... :D

Isrowei
08-19-09, 11:57 PM
Hmm... I see. I see.

Stay tuned. :D